Its All About The Orchestra, Okay?!

I have decided that in order to truly remember the show experiences that I have had over the past however many years, I have to write it down so here are some of my most memorable amateur theatre experiences!

Finian's Rainbow

I think this was the the first South Oz amateur theatre production that I did. Only asked as a last resort because every other clarinet/saxophone/accordion player in SA had been asked to play before me.

• Playing clarinet next to some bloke I had never met who played very loudly.

• I had the wonderful experience of running for the train at 10.55pm every evening after that show in ELIZABETH! Talk about taking my life into my own hands!

• I actually sang along to one of the songs because I couldn't play it well enough!

• I was listed as Tom Bastians in the programme. The worst spelling of my name ever! :)

Oliver!

• My bass clarinet playing was a disaster of unharmonious proportions! Consisted of 'note, squeak, note, squeak, note, squeak....'

• The review of this show said "Who Will Buy should have been entitled 'Who Will Sing in Tune?" Funniest comment ever, John Wells!

• The cast and crew had gone to pains to try and create the atmosphere of an orphanage by having the kids scrubbing the walls of the theatre before the show started and people running around screaming at kids to work harder etc. Pity we, the orchestra, decided we were going to have a jam session right then to a 12 bar blues to accompany their hard work!
  

• Oh and please, I think I want to do that 'Consider Yourself reprise' just one more time!!!!!

CHANGED TITLES: I Think I'd Better Drink It All Again, Go Diddle Yourself, Pick a Nostril or Two, Poo Glorious Poo....


The Witches of Eastwick

• One word 'Sooooooome-thing....' - oh I have never laughed so hard! That was so bad. Losing all four reed players at once! Steve, you'll be the death of me!

• The thunder, MD, the thunder! MD accidently leaned on the sound effects button while reaching for something else during a poignant scene!

• MD sitting down thinking he had heaps of time, only to hear the cue line for the next song while he's off daydreaming!

• The recording was done on the evening that a saxophone broke halfway through the show, we had 4 ring-ins (including a flute player who was actually an actor who had to leave halfway through to do his scene on stage!), we all got the giggles and I squeaked five times on clarinet!

CHANGED TITLES: Loose Bowels, I Wish I'm Gay, Eastwick Blows,
Waiting For The Mucus To Begin, Worms Worms Worms....

Scrooge

I think by far the most hilarious show I have ever done (and completely unintentionally funny)

• One night when we had a replacement Keyboard 2 player, the keyboard just randomly transposed itself a fourth out but poor subsitute had no idea how to fix it. So bad.

• 2nd keyboard player didn't show up to a show so the MD had to play keyboard and miss the wedding he was supposed to go to! Funnily enough, this matinee was the best show of the season! Ironic.

• The Minister's Cat - the key changed every four bars - pity the orchestra didn't notice that it did.
  

• Show went so badly sometimes that I got drunk in between the matinee and evening show - 3 pints in 40 minutes! The evening show was fucking hilarious!

• Di and the harpsichord! Unfortunately the first keyboard player forgot to change the sound on her keyboard from the previous song and during a poignant ballad about a dying child, had the chirpy rasp of a harpsichord sound!

• Every evening the set people snuck an item into the lead actor's bedside drawer on stage so that he would see something different every night. This included two barbie dolls having sex and a picture of the director's head superimposed on one of those 'fat lady' calender pictures - he became so worried about what was going to be next that he was too scared to open the drawer.

• The lead actor forgot the words to one song and then when he came back in later, he was singing the wrong verse which was in a different key. Panic moment!

• The best part of the reviews was the bit that went something like 'The singers struggled to sing in tune but it didn't matter because the competent orchestra drowned them out anyway'. He he.
  

• I dropped a bass clarinet down the stairs at the Shedley just before the final show! It consisted of me screaming for someone to catch it at the bottom of the stairs and a fellow orchestra member thumping the keys back in to shape with a hammer! I cried! It wasn't even mine - and snuck back secretly! Only the start of the disaster that is my bass clarinet playing career! At least I could blame the squeaks on the 'damaged instrument'.
  

• Child actors. Need I say more.

Nix's Summer 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' Column!

1. Teenage boys running for buses.

There is something so amusing about gangly, gawky early teenage boys running to catch buses. They always seem to have their backpacks on their back bouncing up and down and it always makes me giggle. I really feel tempted to yell out 'Run Forrest Run!'..... equally are girls who run with windmill arms! There was this girl running down Walkerville Terrace the other day like this. I wish I'd had a video camera. He he he.... I saw a guy running like a girl the other day and had a bit of a chuckle. Edgy wasn't as amused as I was. No sense of humour. :)

2. Books about band geeks.

I have been reading lots of books about American concert and marching bands lately - some are unspeakably awful, I hate to admit. Some people know what has sparked this interest for me but it is particularly cool for me to read about people who are just like me - a little too geeky and band-obsessed. But it reminds me that I'm not alone out there.

3. Puppies with funny barks.

There was this dog outside a Stirling cafe the other morning tied to a post. Another dog came past and this little pug started barking. It was the most hilarious sound I have ever heard! It was a snuffly, squash-nose-combined-with-phlegm bark! It was very similar to this dog's bark..... so funny!

4. Finding a good reed.

I know this sounds quite sad and geeky but getting a good reed is very exciting. They cost so much and yet most of them are useless even straight out of the box. Don't even START me on the problems I've had since I changed mouthpieces. I have been battling with reeds that sound like a goose for a number of months and finally yesterday I found one that was alright. And thanks to reading the band nerd books, I found this cartoon that confirms my views:

But a bad reed can be the bane of a wind player's existence. One of the rare amusing memories I have of the con is when a certain bassoon player pinned up a bassoon reed on the woodwind noticeboard in 3 separate pieces. Underneath, she had put a note: 'Let this be a warning to all reeds: Behave OR ELSE!'. So true, so true..... Better to break the reed against the wall than throw the clarinet like one clarinet player I know, no names mentioned!

5. Coffee places that make REAL lattes.

And I don't mean cappuccinos without the chocolate!!!

What part of 'lattes do not have foam!' do coffee franchises not understand? A latte should be mostly milk but not foam! To the people at Hudsons - cappuccinos, lattes and flat whites should be different, not exactly the same!!!

The lovely ladies at Unruly Tabouli in Golden Grove seem to understand this so why can't Hudsons or Gloria Jeans or all the other coffee places (that generally do half-ass coffees anyway that are cold or burnt or too hot or curdled anyway). There is nothing quite like a good coffee, when the barista takes their time so that the coffee doesn't burn, warm the milk without curdling it, lets the coffee brew properly. I will pay more for it if its better and also if they give better service like the above G.G Village establishment where the girls remember my order every week and give service with a smile. Quality is better than quantity!


What's NOT

1. People who do not rsvp to invitations.

This is so friggin rude! It is totally impolite when somebody invites you to a party or function (especially when it is a special function which requires booking) and they don't respond. All it takes is a five second text message or email apology if you can't make it. I don't think this is much to ask really. The problem is that online social websites like Facebook have made it easier for people to just rsvp to functions without giving a polite explanation of why they can't make it or even a simple one word 'sorry'. It appears that, ironically, with this social network that should aid in communication, people have become socially inconsiderate. And no matter how busy you are, you would expect at least SOMETHING from people you consider friends.

2. Smokers who throw cigarette butts out of car windows.

I saw the SES and CFS attending to the end of what looked like a small grass fire on the freeway just before the tunnels the other day which could have only been started by a cigarette. How completely irresponsible! What right do smokers think they have that they can litter when everything else is considered taboo? Smoking is a disgusting habit that they should subject themselves to and noone else but the rest of us seem to suffer with the smell, the passive smoking, the litter and all the other unpleasantries. Anyone caught throwing a butt on the ground should be fined, full stop. I don't care what excuse they have. If there's no bin, wrap it up and put it into your bag to dispose of it later. A police officer friend said that when she's on duty, she loves to pull over drivers who throw cigarette butts on the ground, pick up the cigarette butt and throw it back in the car saying 'I'm sorry, you dropped this!' You go, girl!

3. Andre Rieu

There are some truly wonderful violinists in Adelaide - Natsuko from the Grainger Quartet, anyone in the ASO and even some of the Elder Con students. Violinists that don't get the recognition they deserve. Some of the concerts done by Musica Viva, The ASO, The Australian String Quartet, The Grainger Quartet, the ACO don't get the audiences they deserve to get because of the supreme quality of music they provide.

And yet somebody as crass and kitsch as Andre Rieu infiltrates Adelaide with his vomit-inducing crap and pretends to be 'bringing class' to Adelaide. All the elderly ladies claim that they are getting a classy classical evening but there is nothing classy about a bloke who musically rapes some of the greatest compositions around. Even when the music is not Viennese or a waltz, he manages to turn it into both. He is a person of limited musical ability and if he really cared about the music, he wouldn't need the sets or the costumes but just the music. His tickets cost a ridiculous amount and he didn't sell out. Maybe this is because he underestimated the intelligence of Adelaideans. U2 sold out their concert at AAMI even though their tickets were the same price.

Just because he is a good businessman, doesn't make what he does right. And to those who begin to say 'when you sell out AAMI stadium, let me know', I would NEVER sell my soul, no matter how famous I'd ever become.

4. Songs on the radio that are lyrically COMPLETELY inappropriate for the age group they appeal to.

To give a few examples, in the last few months, there have been the following.....

Lady Ga Ga - Just Dance. To quote the lyrical content:

I've had a little bit too much, All of the people start to rush (start to rush by)
A dizzy twister dance, Can't find my drink or man , Where are my keys? I lost my phone
What's goin’ on, on the floor? I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore keep it cool What’s the name of this club? I can't remember but its alright, a-alright

At a time when the government have been trying to target teenage binge drinking, have they LISTENED TO THIS SONG? Geez, this chick was on Rove promoting this song and she's all of ,what, 12???

And how about 'Take Me On The Floor' by the Veronicas. Ok, so the title is self-explanatory. The Veronicas' core audience are tweenies (ie 8-15 years old). These little bitches as pop icons have a friggin social responsibility to these kids and this is the message they're sending them??? They should be ashamed of themselves.

And then there's Usher's "Love In This Club" where the chorus lyrics are "I wanna make love in this club...' and other lyrics like: "If you didn’t know, you’re the only thing that’s on my mind
Cuz the way I'm staring miss you got me wantin to give it to you all night"

That song makes me wanna puke. Again, as a guy who was only 16-ish when he hit the big time and who appeals to teenagers, he has a responsibility to them to act appropriately and with lyrics like that, he is completely violating that. It makes me so angry.

5. Turning 30.

Turning thirty is bringing some harsh realities to light for me. I haven't really achieved much - I have no assets, no real financially secured income, I haven't even reached my playing or career goals despite 21 years of scholastic focus. It's a little depressing! I wish I could just freeze time right here and hold off until something happens and then press 'go' again when something is achieved so I can approach my 30th birthday with no regrets. But I don't think that's gonna happen somehow...

Cover Up Properly or GO AWAY!

As a general rule, I don't like music covers. I don't enjoy many of the performances that happen on Australian Idol due to this fact. Whilst I can appreciate the difficulty to perform many songs that are a lot more challenging than they appear, I don't understand why it is NECESSARY to cover somebody else's work. It's like gaining fame and money through somebody else's hard work....

I am a big fan of song writing. There are some fabulous songwriters - past and present, some extremely famous, some not-so-well-known. Those songwriters deserve to have their songs presented in a way that truly represents their vision and talent.

The majority of covers simply don't do that. Most covers either try to do one of two things:

1. To be a direct copy of the original ie. has anyone noticed how incredibly similar Le-Ann Rimes and Trisha Yearwood's versions of 'How Do I Live' sound? That can't be a coincidence...did Diane Warren stipulate that every version of her song had to sound EXACTLY the same???.

Many songs that appear on 'Coverville' are exactly that - copies.... I don't want to hear some 3rd rate American garage band covering an REM or a Radiohead or a U2 song. Why do I want to listen to somebody doing a half-assed, C grade version of a great song when I can just listen to the original? Most offer nothing new or original or creative - just copycats. They don't understand or utilise the lyrical content, make good use of the melodic or harmonic contours and don't understand the sentiments under which the song was written. It's no better than singing along to a karaoke dvd.

2. Even worse than the first, they try to present the song as is but with an annoying whiny vocalist and even more irritating techno beat or thrashy '90s Punk Rock riff that is neither imaginative nor pleasant to listen to. As an example, take a look at the horribly grating 'Heaven' dance cover of Bryan Adams that appeared a few years ago. Now not only did they thrust a talentless teenybopper as a vocalist on us who had the diction of someone with a tennis ball shoved down her throat ("I'm trying hard to BUHHHlieve we're in heavuuuuuuuhhhhn!") but that beat just pissed me off! It's bad enough having to listen to Bryan Adams sing it but bloody hell! And let's not forget Madonna and her unspeakably awful version of Don McLean's 'American Pie'. Let's just say, just because you CAN cover it, doesn't mean you should. Just because you like the song and enjoy singing it in the shower, doesn't mean you should record it for all to be subjected to what is usually complete insensitivity to the original. How stupid was the dance cover version of 'Boys Of Summer' - did they even listen to the lyrics? They just don't make sense when a girl sings them....

BUT....

In amongst the mounds of crap, you do occasionally find gems and here is a list of some of my favourite cover versions of some great songs.

Regina Spektor's version of the late great John Lennon's song "Real Love" is, to put it simply, just gorgeous. Spektor's voice is full of simultaneous fragility and raw energy and she really does this song justice. I believe she tried this live and it was met with such enthusiasm that she recorded it for charity. It's a mean feat to cover Lennon but she does such a beautiful job of it.

There are actually two cover versions of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that I think are worthy of this list: the first is the gorgeous Tori Amos. I love her version of this song - very Tori in its simplicity - and I think that she made this her own with great sensitivity to the chordal structure - it has all the same darkness despite its more ethereal mood. Apparently Kurt Cobain called this 'the great breakfast cereal version.' LOL. The other is the version that the jazz trio The Bad Plus brought out. What I love about this cover and all the others that The Bad Plus tackle is that they mess with the chords, making it essentially jazz-based without destroying the integrity of the song. It is clearly and noticeably the same song but when the 'outside' chords infiltrate the song, it always makes me laugh. I love it.

Michael Jackson is a hard one to cover because of the massive energy and showmanship that he brings to every song - its not just about the song - its the video, the dancing, the orchestration. So I was rather impressed with Alien Ant Farm's version of Smooth Criminal. Not one of the most airplayed MJ songs but anybody who likes music videos will remember the clip. The riff lends itself to thrashy guitars and I think it works very well. It's such a fun version that holds interest all the way through which is a feat in itself. I also am a big fan of Jean Paul Wabotai's version of Billie Jean. Like the great Bobby McFerrin, Wabotai creates the whole Michael Jackson classic vocally - from percussive effects (done on his body) to booming vocal bass - but he maintains his distinctive French-Zairean accent throughout. I am a big fan of this man (and Bobby McFerrin, I might add) and the kind of energy and love he brings to all his performance and this stood out for me as a great but unfortunately little-known cover. You should check this guy out if he ever performs near you!

There aren't many covers that I think can do the Beatles' songs justice but Cliff Bennett and The Rebel Rousers did a bloody good job with "Got To Get You Into My Life". In fact, I think I actually like this version better and clearly Paul McCartney thought it was worthy too as he produced it apparently. Cliff Bennett had a great voice and I love the fat horn sound in his version that the Beatles just lacked in their original, I think.

I love Metallica and have grown to love and appreciate their music so much as I've grown older. "Nothing Else Matters" is a fantastic song that you really couldn't imagine anybody else doing justice but Apocalyptica have taken this song to a completely new place. This Finnish cello quartet do an achingly beautiful job of this song - the most unlikely looking group of string players if ever I saw them but their arrangement is exquisite. I'm curious to know what the Metallica boys think of this version...and whether James Hetfield would consider singing it with them (if he hasn't already).

I am a huge fan of Simon and Garfunkel but not of their song 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'. As great songwriters, I am very impressed with their work but lyrically, this song sucked. It actually annoys me because I love the melody and chordal structure of the song. So then comes Aretha Franklin. She does an awesome gospel version of this song that is chock-full of soul and innovation. Listening to her version actually makes me forget about the lyrics and listen to the great songwriting that Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel brought to the world. She's amazing. What a goddess.

There are so many great songs that the beautiful late Eva Cassidy brought to the world of music. I am deeply saddened that her tragic death means we won't get to experience any more of her wonderful voice. One of my favourite songs is Sting's "Fields Of Gold". I love his version - so beautiful. But Eva's song equally gives me tingles down my spine. Actually, many of her versions do, but this particular song is so simple and pure that it will probably remain my favourite of all her performances. Check her out on the Live At Blues Alley album....just lovely!

The soundtrack to Moulin Rouge is, of course, the ultimate cover album but for the most part, the songs are not as interesting as the original. All but one - the version of The Police's Roxanne is AWESOME. "El Tango De Roxanne" is one of the cleverest versions of a popular song I have ever heard. Not only was it highly appropriate to the film content but WHAT a voice that came from Jose Feliciano...so Tom Waits-y and raw. The song works so well in a tango form because it has that lyrical content that is so indicative of the tango passion. And the violinist should be commended - excellent playing!

One of my favourite albums of all time is Zebra Crossing by the Soweto String Quartet. What I love about these four men is that they are classically trained performers who haven't forgotten where they come from. They are some of the most delightfully jubilant people who clearly live for their music. Africa, musically, has so much to offer and the Soweto String Quartet tap into that throughout this album. But they pay tribute to Paul Simon and his Graceland album for bringing African music to popular culture. Technically this is four snippets of covers, not one: "Homeless", "Graceland", "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes" and "You Can Call Me Al". The songs, already based in African rhythms (and of course, lyrically and vocally) work so well with these performers who manage to muster so much energy to play these songs. I can't help but dance around the living room to this. I'm sure Paul Simon would have been most flattered to have heard this version.

Jazz versions of popular songs can go in different directions: either badly (aka any version by Michael Buble who takes out the character, energy and in a lot of cases, sexiness, of a song and squashes it flat) or done very well in the case of Harry Connick Jr's versions of Broadway show tunes on Songs I Heard- (so clever...you should check it out) or John Coltrane's famous version of "My Favourite Things". I think the latter two work because they AREN'T pop music. There's a certain element of rhythm, melody and harmony in Broadway and film music that doesn't appear in your average chart-appearing pop song. And I think that is why Miles Davis's "Someday My Prince Will Come" is so amazing. The basic elements of the song are there but Miles stamps his mark on it pretty quickly, complete with mutes. I love this whole album but that track is a real stand out for me.

Now anybody who knows me knows I live for Stevie. I love him - he is one of my favourite artists of all time. What a great songwriter, performer, idol.... And "Higher Ground" is one of my favourite songs of his. So you wouldn't expect me to actually accept covers of his music. But Red Hot Chili Peppers have done it. Their version of this song is outstanding. The Stevie-trademark keyed bass translates very well into Flea's slap technique and that is one of the stand out features of this song. Anthony Kiedis' wailing voice (which usually annoys me, actually) suits this song down to the ground as vocally, it isn't one of Stevie's strongest melodies. The character is in the bass riff and lyrics and both of these are exaggerated well in RHCP's version. I actually really love this version and will listen to both equally. And for anybody who hasn't seen it, check out the movie Centre Stage for a great dance sequence to this song...

I am not a big fan of Leonard Cohen, all doom and gloom and plain depressing. But I'll give him credit. He did create one hell of a good song: "Hallelujah", expertly covered by the late wonderful Jeff Buckley. Jeff Buckley makes this song sound so pensive and beautiful, unlike Cohen's version which sounds like music for a commercial. Buckley's version is stripped right back to sparce guitar and vocals, unlike Cohen's which is backed by choir. Whilst the biblical references and liturgical sentiments of the song are lost on me, I love that the song builds through the verses and then comes to rest again after the 'chorus'. Such masterful songwriting done so beautifully by Buckley - a sad reminder of what a tragic loss Buckley's death was to world music.

Of course, there are other covers that should make the list but these are the ones that stand out the most for me at the moment. Please feel free to comment if you feel that other covers should be added to the list....


Quote of the day: "Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art"
Charlie Parker

A Eulogy

We first met in 2005, in Edwardstown. I was a little apprehensive about taking you into my family - you seemed a little uncooperative and not 100% healthy. I didn't want to get attached to you but Dad convinced me that it would work out alright.

It took a while for me to get used to having you in my life. You were a rather grumpy bugger, stubborn and headstrong, refusing to do half the things I asked. One unfortunate day, you decided to go into total meltdown, leaving me totally helpless in Burnside, not knowing what to do. After much attempt at revival, we were forced to get help for you. You were picked up and taken to somebody who knew your condition well. After a complete bypass operation several days later, you recovered well for a short period. Then only a few months later, you once again succumbed to more issues: you lost the ability to suck. You lost all motor function and you had to be revived several times. After several other total malfunctions, including several occasions where I thought it was the end of you, I finally thought we had gotten over the worst of your condition. But your age was against you, despite me always having faith in you.

On Friday, you succumbed to your age and your basic functions gave in for the final time. You were 28. You were definitely not the most attractive member of your peers - you had many physical disabilities and aesthetically, you were rather scarred from many bad experiences. But you had undeniable character. You were a total BEAST. As much grief as you gave me emotionally, financially and the inconveniences placed on me as a result of your ailing health, I will miss you.

RUST IN PEACE, Helga the beer guzzling wench. :)

Courtesy of Sophie, the expert snapper!

Okay, so I'm wetting my pants laughing right now! My mum rocks!

The Trouble Makers in The Back Row

THE REQUIREMENTS OF TEAM THIRD MEMBERS

In order to be a true Team Third member is not simply the playing of the 3rd part of any section of the band but also in several other important requirements.

1. You must have sat in the second row, not the front, for an extended period of time so as to successful carry out your troublemaking without being seen.

2. You must have the suspicion of the musical director at all times that you and the people sitting next to you are 'up to no good'.

3. You must deface the music, changing directions, titles, composer names to inappropriate ones approximating the original. The dirtier the better. Good examples are: Sergeant Leper's Falling Off Parts Club Band; Music for a Testicle, Lawrence has Rabies, Champignon of The Peas, Amazing Grapes (by Ticheli Me Elmo). The movements of the Fifth Suite for Band entitled Down Hoe, Whore and my personal favourite: 'It's In Six, Fuckers! And you are not a true Team Third member unless you have been told off about it because you have defaced music belonging to Pembroke, Walford, the Police Band.... One very exciting Police Band Team Third nominee is the person who changed 'John Come Kisse Me Now' to 'John Kisse Me Come Now!'

4. You must discuss topics during lulls in the music (ie when the MD stops to discuss a section with another instrument group) that have no relation to the music being played. Preferably non music related topics. Even better is discussing these topics while the MD stops to pick on YOUR section. Be defiant when the MD points out your lack of concentration and attention. Ignore him whenever you can. Refuse to play a section when he/she asks because you haven't practiced it and can't be assed.

5. Spend at least 50% of post-performance evenings at the pub. You must be available to attend coffee club meetings as a bitch session about said MD.

6. Tune your concert Bb to perfection before the rehearsal so that you can comfortably play out of tune for the rest of the rehearsal/performance with a clear conscience.

7. Never have a pencil ready unless it is to deface music. Never mark music related scribbles on the score.

Any questions, visit the 'I'm a Proud Member of Team Third' facebook group. Spread the love!

WARNING: GRATUITOUS X-FILES POST!

I decided that since my life has been saturated with The X Files through the purchase of box set of all nine seasons on DVD, that I would write a post about it. So I apologise in advance to those who don't like the show.....skip over this post.

Generally my favourite episodes are the non-mythology ones because I have the attention span of a goldfish and can only concentrate for45 minutes on one thing. Not to say I don't like the mythology episodes but my favourites tend to be the clever stand-alone episodes.

My favourite eps from the first three seasons:

Season 1

Squeeze - This is a memorable one. This is the episode with Eugene Tooms, the stretchy man who rips out and eats people's livers and then hibernates for 30 years. This episode scared the shit out of me when I was a teenager - I had nightmares about the yellow eyes. This epitomises the X Files for me - subtle, creepy, never showing too much, clever and creative. Quote of the episode: "How do I get [the bile] off my fingers without betraying my cool exterior"

Fire - I loved this episode. This is the one where a man can set fire by will and burns people to death. The double entendres all the way through with relation to Scully's apparent jealousy of Phoebe Green, Mulder's ex-girlfriend, are really funny :) I thought this episode was very clever....twisted and turned and I love fire-related tv and film. Anyone remember Backdraft? Very cool.. Line of the episode: "Is that what you were extending?"


Ice - This is the episode where Mulder and Scully go to the Arctic where a group of scientists have killed each other. The worm inserted into the dog's ear is disgusting but cool and this is the first time that Mulder and Scully have been forced to distrust each other. A very interesting episode. Quote of the episode "Before anyone passes judgement, remember we are in the Arctic"

Darkness Falls - This, I think, was my favourite of the season. The little green bugs in the forest episode. I really truly thought that they were going to cark it in this episode when the bugs got in their car. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. The sucking sound effects of the bugs drinking the human fluid is revolting! The foley artists should be commended for that. And I like the concept that human ignorance and selfishness toward the environment were the cause of the anomaly as it really is not that far from the truth.

Season 2

Die Hand Die Verletz - This was the episode in which a group of school teachers were involved in some kind of satanic cult. This episode had it all - the funny lines, the cool effects and I really like witchcraft stories! This was the last one that Morgan and Wong wrote, I believe and they wrote some of the best eps. The best bit however was the 'blooper' in which the giant python eats one of the characters from the foot up - what would it have done once it got to his crotch? LOL. And since when do pythons leave a skeleton? But a very interesting episode nonetheless. Quote of the day: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!!"

Aubrey - I think this is the one that creeped me out the most in the whole nine seasons. This episode was about genetic memory and the specific murderous tendencies of one man being passed down in his family. The creepy eyes of the woman that plays BJ freaked me out. And same with the old bloke who plays her dad - cold hard and iceblue. I get very scared of any movie where creatures/people appear suddenly in mirrors - I think it harks back to the days of 'Candyman'. This was a really cleverly written and well filmed episode. Quote of the episode: "I've always been intrigued by women named BJ"

Humbug - This is the side show episode where the deformed miniture conjoined twin 'unconjoins' itself and goes around killing people. How funny was this one?!!! I love Jim Rose! And the Enigma who had grafted coral to his skull so he had horns! The little dwarf from "Living In Oblivion" was in this one and I always remember his bit in that movie to be the ultimate highlight. The bit where Scully eats the bug cracks me up every time. I've decided that when I grow up, I wanna be a side show performer! Quote of the ep: "Can't wait for the wake!"

F Emasculata - An Outbreak-esque episode about a bizarre disease with pus balls and rotting animal carcases. I liked this one. It wasn't particularly X-File-y really because all the events could be explained, albeit the disease was pretty nasty. The make up and special effects people did very well with this one. The pus balls were suitable stomach-churring. This would have made a good movie.Season 3

Syzygy - This is the one with the two teenage bimbos controlling events because they were born at a particular time of a rare astrological alignment giving them psychokinetic powers. He he he he..... this episode is a cack. From the first 'Hate her, hate her, wouldn't wanna date her' quote to Mulder and Scully's nasty repartee right to the last moment, this episode is clever and amusing. I'm a sucker for the funny ones. I like the episode Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose as well and it was a toss up between the two but I think this one wins out. Best quote: "I know how much you like snapping on the latex"

Oubliette - This was about the girl who was kidnapped and for some reason, another woman who had been kidnapped by the same man in her youth being able to feel how she's feeling. Not a funny episode; its actually a very sad episode but I really liked this one. The story between the two girls is poignant and this is one of the first times we really get to see Mulder open up (outside of the mythology series and Scully' disappearance and return). The bit where Amy is drowning and her 'other half' begins to cough up the water is a highlight.

Pusher - This is the episode with the man who can control other people to do things by speaking to them, therefore making people kill themselves or see things differenty. UGH! This episode is creepy. The whole Russian Roulette thing was an 'edge of your seat' moment for me and the scene when the deputy set himself on fire was disturbing! I thought this was a very clever episode that was extremely well acted by both Gillian Anderson and the bloke who played Robert Modell. I was pleased that he came back in season 5 because I felt like I was left wanting more after this episode. And I can never look at the words 'cerulean blue' the same way again.

War of The Coprophrages - Okay, lets face it. Any episode that has 'poo jokes' in it is alright with me! This episode involved cockroaches that kill! We see Queequeg have a bath with dog wash called 'Die Fleas Die' which was a particular highlight! The bit where Scully can't get past the fact that the entomologist's name is Bambi is hilarious. This is a silly episode but thoroughly entertaining! The third season episodes were starting to become more 'hit and miss', I think but there were still a bigger proportion of great episodes than not-so great episodes. Quote of the episode "You smell bad".

Okay that's enough shameless XFiles worshipping for one day!

Stuff people say

No 1.

I hate it when people say "Bob's Your Uncle". No he's not. Noel is my uncle, and Greg is my uncle and Leslie is my uncle and Chris is my uncle...and Steven is my uncle and Alan is my uncle and Gary is my uncle. NOT BOB!!! There's a moving company called 'Bob's Your Uncle Furniture Removals'. Will they not move my furniture if I don't have an uncle Bob?

Bothers me a lot!

No 2.

When people say 'basically' at the start of their sentences. I don't want it 'basic'. I want the FULL STORY. No short cuts so you can end the conversation. Although for some people, basic is all they can do.

No 3.

The End.

The funniest jokes ever....

You know, there are really complicated jokes, really dirty jokes, really socially controversial jokes, and just plain insulting jokes. Some of them (only some...) are funny.

But even the good ones all suck in comparison to the oldies but goodies....

What do you call a woman up against a lamppost? Eileen
What do you call her mother up against a lamppost? Marlene
What do you call a Chinese woman up against a lamppost? Irene
What do you call a woman with no legs? Noelene
What do you call a man pinned to a wall? Art
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a man whose been in a pile of leaves for a long time? Pete
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas
What do you call a boy with a car on his shoulders? Jack
What do you call a woman with an oyster on her head? Pearl
What do you call a man with his head down a toilet? Lou
What do you call a woman with her head down two toilets? Lulu
What do you call a man lifting weights? Jim
What do you call a man with a speedo on his head? Miles
What do you call a man on his knees? Neil
What do you call a man in a hole? Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and legs being towed by a boat? Skip
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man lying at your front door? Matt
What do you call two guys hanging up on the inside of your window? Kurt and Rod
What do you call a man being used as a NZ cricket ball? Chuck
What do you call a man stuffed in your mailbox? Bill
What do you call a girl on a beach? Sandy
What do you call a girl buried under the sand on a beach? Shelley
What do you call a man wearing a coat? Mac
What do you call a man wearing two coats? Max
What do you call a girl hanging from a washing line? Peg
What do you call a girl between two goal posts? Annette
What do you call a man who talks too loud? Mike
What do you call a man with a skull made out of timber? Edward
What do you call a man with a doughnut on his head? Duncan
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head? Beatrix
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lily
What do you call a woman sitting on a bbq hotplate? Patty


But for my favourite........

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ass? Warren

Nix's Winter 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' column

What's Hot

1. Asking police officers if they like donuts. He he he... I recently asked two that I know. One (a police prosecutor) laughed heartily. The other didn't. She had no sense of humour!!!

2. Snapping the elastic on someone's underwear. It's fun and it annoys the crap out of the recipient. Could there be a better pastime? I don't think so.....

3. Stickers. I love stickers. I bought some the other day for my students but now I can't stop putting them on stuff. My phone is covered, so is my diary. I'm one step away from buying a whole new set for myself. They are so cute and shiny. ....geez, what am I, five????!!!

4. Pig products. I love bacon and pork and ham. I think I was the only one watching Babe and actually thinking "mmmm, roast pork with potatoes"....

5. The fact that I don't have to endure the pathetic bitchiness of the con ever again!!!! Let me tell you, I got so sick of dealing with the staff favouritism (and we all know who the culprits are of that one). I was fed up with the two-faced nature of particular staff members, the students who don't support each other but just bitch and moan, don't take any constructive criticism, are nasty to each other for little or poor reason, backstab instead of helping each other, and waste their time in the bar instead of practicing, wasting tax payer dollars whittling away their time and (usually government) money at uni on beer. And most of all, the fact that noone mingles outside of their instrument group or in the community music scene. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot - it limits your contacts in the outside world and limits your prospects as a versatile employee in the music scene.

At least I can safely say that I did my upmost to pass my years at uni (all 9 of them) and I didn't waste my 6 years in Adelaide Uni Bar. I have no sympathy for those who get stressed over their uni exams or assignments because they haven't practiced or studied enough. Tough shit - you didn't put the work in. Maybe you should have tried harder. Or in some cases, you're just not suited to music. Deal with it. People like that are making Adelaide's music degrees look really bad on a national level!!!!! I went to nationals this year in Brisbane and met a 2nd year clarinet student called Brendan at the Queensland Con. He was adorable - very friendly and full of compliments. We swapped email addresses and I fully intend to keep in contact with this guy. It was so nice to meet a friendly future player of the clarinet. He had enormous potential as a professional player but was still humble enough to be friendly to someone who wasn't as good as him and offer support and guidance. This is a rarity at the con because everybody is so far up themselves, it's hard to see straight. Of course, there are a few exceptions (Turkey is a trooper, for example) but it's such a horrible pattern.

I'm so pleased I'm not there. It's a weight off my shoulders. Because there is a happier life outside of the con.

What's Not

1. People who name their kids STUPID REDNECK TRAILER-TRASH NAMES. At one school I teach at, there are several variations of one name, only they change the first letter. So ridiculous! The real name is Aiden - but at this school, there's two Haydens, three Braydens, five Jaydens, one Kayden (kayden?????? You have to be kidding me!) and even a Cailan. They are not names, people!!! They belong in Dr Seuss.

Even worse is when parents just give their kids place names as christian names. There is a whole family there with kids named after American states: Montana, Dakota, Georgia and the worst, a country - Jamaica. It makes me want to vomit. The worst bit about it is that the kids have Balkan parents so it doesn't even fit with their background.

And then there's my pet hate - when they give them a normal name but spell it phonetically. Here are a few at this school: Jazminn, Mikayla, Jaymes, Jorja, Kristle....

It's not creative, people. It just makes you look like an ill-educated idiot who can't spell! I remember an ex telling me that someone named their kid after them, only they had no idea how to spell it so the poor kid has a normal name spelled wrong on their birth certificate.

2. The fact that people think they already know my nationality and occupation based on my first name (in nickname). Why does Nicky automatically denote Mediterranean flight attendant. That's why I like Nicole. At least it's relatively generic and you don't have people casting aspersions on your IQ based on your 'dumb airhead' first name.

3. Putting bumper stickers on your car that are humourless and pointless. Whoever came up with the 'porn star' bumper sticker must be cacking their pants right now! Why would you want a sticker that says that on your car? a) It's not true. b) Even if it were, why would you advertise it. c) Why is it suddenly cool to be a 'porn star'? And then there's all the different 'bitch' bumper stickers. Talk about advertising yourself badly. What the hell is the point?

My brother has the right idea. He wants to come up with stupid t-shirts that say pointless words cos there is bound to be dumb ass losers with too much money to spend who would buy them.

4. Being a celebrity for doing absolutely nothing. Anna Nicole Smith was the perfect example of someone who was famous for being famous. These people had/have MILLIONS! People like Corey Worthington proved to us that society has gone friggin nuts when someone can gain success for being a disrespectful, juvenile little shit. The Big Brother contestants go one further because when they come out the house, they don't really have a huge amount to offer as celebrities. (albeit even C Grade celebrities). I'm not saying that they wouldn't be fantastic lawyers or tax accountants or McDonalds drive thru attendants. They are just not celebrity material - why? Because anyone with an ounce of confidence, talent or dignity to withstand the scrutiny of the public eye would not be putting themselves on a tv show like that. They wouldn't need to.

5. Sack dresses. What is with the dresses that are 'fashion' now. The whole, 'one tube' thing with a belt. I've made jokes about long strapless tops with belts before but now it's actually happened. It's one stop away from the granny dress! Horrible. It's not flattering, clings in all the wrong places for anyone who has even an ounce of a hip or a chest and is usually made out of the cheapest, ugliest material. Taste? Whatever happened to taste? A couple of years ago, fashion looked promising but I knew it was too good to be true.