Down With Pants!

The Death and Birth of the Three Cs

2011-06-23T15:27:00.014+09:30

Out with courtesy, courage and consideration;

in with cruelty, conceit and cowardice.

I have recently deactivated my Facebook account (although not exactly sure how to delete it entirely). I will need to go back on it to tidy up a few things such as downloading photos that I have nowhere else, ask for alternative contact details of the people I care about on there and let the people I care about on there know that I am getting out of the brainwashing cult that is this f***ed up "social networking" disaster but for now, I'm not even logging in!

I was sucked in, just like everybody else. I didn't realise its evil power until it was too late. What started out as mere curiosity - a growing wish to jump on the bandwagon, to pardon a cliche - became a totally ridiculous obsession. It caused me to spend mindless hours every day scaling the profiles of people I don't even really care about, who don't even like me, who I hadn't (and still haven't) seen in 10 years (and as a result of Facebook, I remember WHY I hadn't kept in contact). The people about whom I actually care are the same people I have or will make an effort to see outside of an online environment anyway, so what is the point? For every old friend I have happily reunited with and have been happy doing so, there are fifteen of whom I couldn't give a toss. Yes, it is nice to learn about the people in theatre with whom I work, or my work colleagues or other bandspeople but I think Facebook is just laziness on my part. If I cared enough, I would do this in person, not spend hours a day stalking profiles, mindlessly commenting on equally mindless statuses and scouring for information about them when I could simply ask them in person and learn who they really are behind the computer screen. And if those *hugs* and xxoo emoticons were real, the world would be one steamy, 'touchy feely' place!

I have justified for many months now why I have this stupid thing and why I continue to use it to my detriment and I can't use any of the following excuses anymore:

EXCUSE NO 1: "It keeps me in contact with family and old friends"

Are you kidding me? I can do that via email, via phone, via Skype or even better, in person. How impersonal and unfamily-like is an online social network. Facebook no more keeps me in contact with family than it did before - the only difference is that I can now learn what they had for breakfast - big deal! I still don't have a personal relationship with them. Communicating via Facebook is a world away from being as good as saving up to visit them and feeling that warm hug or having a friendly chat or a welcoming phone call. Or even an email which, unlike the other technological advances, seems to not have the same distasteful aura that something like Twitter or My Space have (combine Youtube with Twitter and Facebook and you get 'You Twit Face' - so true. Ha ha ha!). And email definitely appeals more than trying to have a face-to-face conversation with somebody who insists on burying their heads in their friggin' smart phone 23.75hrs a day, rudely checking their Newsfeed at dinner or during a performance or at the back of a lecture theatre (what is the point in spending $5000 a year on uni fees if you're just going to use the time to find out that Joe Bloggs just made toast). At least email is instant letter writing. Yes, it does have some negatives that can be off-putting but I can handle that. School Friends was better than Facebook in that at least you could target a specific person without appearing as if you were stalking them.

EXCUSE NO 2. "You can share photos"

Yes, indeed you can, but you can also do that via USB, via portable hard drive, by phone, by memory card, by CD or DVD, via email, in person or the most wonderful of all - print them and display them lovingly. The biggest negative with photo sharing on Facebook is the tagging. I am sick to death of being tagged in photos that are unflattering, pointless or uninteresting. Or my biggest pet hate: being tagged in a photo that isn't even of me! The risk of being tagged, for the world to see, in a photo of you dressed in a Playboy Bunny outfit that you wore 15 years ago to a 'tarts and vicars' party is just too high. By the time you untag yourself, thousands of people may have seen it. Or downloaded it or shared it. For every nice photo that is posted, there are ten that you would rather not see. There's that 'witch's nose' profile shot, that photo of you in a compromising position with the Rundle Mall bronze pigs, there's the obligatory 'large gut' shot and of course, the hundreds of "I'll get as close as I can to the camera and open my mouth as wide as I can because I'm drunk!" photos! Where will it end? If there are any good photos, I would hope that they would be shared privately between the owner and myself. If I want copies, I'll ask for them! And don't even get me started on the ridiculous number of 'new baby' photos from new parents. "Here's my baby at 1 hour; here's my baby at 1 hour and 3 minutes; oh look how cute my baby is; please comment on how beautiful my baby is! Here's what my baby threw up yesterday!" It's the world's worst family slide show!

EXCUSE NO 3: "It's good for promoting events"

I am guilty of using that one a lot. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned promotion via flyer, email, print journalism, personalised invitation, word of mouth.... I find that advertising events on Facebook is a double-edged sword - whilst effective in some respects, it can also be counterproductive, frustrating and allows people to be rude and inconsiderate. The RSVP function on an event has allowed people to say 'yes, they are coming' to an event without officially committing to anything. It has allowed for lazy inconsiderate people to leave others' hanging by the 'maybe' response. It has allowed for impoliteness: for people to leave a 'no' attendance reply without even offering a reason to the person who has kindly invited them. But more on that issue later.

I can see that there are people who have RSVP'd favourably to an event that is happening quite soon who I know aren't even in the state at the time! But apparently, they are flying back the six hour round trip JUST for this event?? The RSVP system is stupid and pointless and so is the promotion of the event. Email the details, send a personal invitation to me and I will do my best to attend, due to your individual effort to invite me instead of being one of a mass 'invite list' just because I happen to be one of your 827 'friends'. And let's not even go into the whole let's create an event that isn't actually an event phenomenon! I mean, the 'Christine has lost her phone' event was the social soiree of the century!

EXCUSE NO 4. "I can organise to meet with people easier - it's good for getting details out to people if I don't have their contact details"

But if they don't have my number, are they really my friends? I would have given it to them if they were. If I don't have their number, is it really worth my time to meet these people anyway? If they haven't been bothered to give my their number, they obviously aren't too fussed about me so why have I even added them/accepted their friend request? And I have a mobile phone, a home phone, several email addresses and a mailing address that I check regularly. You can contact me that way without having every detail of where I'm going to be and at what time I'm going to be there advertised on Facebook. Someone I know was burgled only this week: could it have been because it was plastered all over Facebook that she wasn't going to be home? It is a possible scenario - who knows!

EXCUSE NO 5: "Everybody has Facebook - so should I"

This is the most pathetic one of them all and I have heard this in my own head which is the reason I started in the first place. It's truly awful peer-pressure and prompts the age-old saying "If your friends jumped off a building, would you jump too?" You know, there are so many people on Facebook now that the term "I'll facebook you" is becoming the most common technological vernacular.

And then there's the number of friends issue. There is nothing more sad than a battle for who has the most friends. Do I care that you have 1075 friends? How many of them do you actually know? And who know you? How many of them do you actually have a true blue conversation with? There are people I have had on Facebook who have not communicated with me once since they added me, other than to send me endless requests to play Texas Hold'Em Poker or to farm a non-existent crop (!) or join their Cause which does nothing to help said 'cause'.

***Off the subject: Does anyone seriously believe that posting a status such as "I am posting this because I care about cancer research" is going to do anything for that poor kid in the oncology ward of a local hospital? How about getting out there and visiting that kid or donating money or volunteering to make that kids' life just a little bit better instead of sitting on your fat ass in front of the computer claiming you care so much about the fight against cancer. But I digress...

I even have an ex-boyfriend as a 'friend' on Facebook. We have hardly spoken to each other for 6 or 7 years now. We are both happier and in better relationships. He doesn't appear to care about keeping in contact with me (or he would have bothered to do so) and I am positive that his other half would care even LESS about him keeping in contact with me. So why do I bother? I have no intention of 'stalking' his profile and we have nothing in common anymore. So it's even more pointless pretending we are still 'friends'. Is Facebook becoming the ultimate voyeuristic tool? I have little interest in the online equivalent of a Peeping Tom!

EXCUSE NO 6: "I enjoy reading peoples' statuses"

Yes, this is true. I probably do. There are some that are mildly amusing. But for every entertaining status, there are ten that are so mundane, they are puke-inducing. Guess what? I don't give a rats that you 'just had a shower' or that you 'have essays due and you are so stressed! (If you're so stressed, get the f*** off Facebook and fix it!) And the worst ones of all are the Too Much Information statuses ie. '*insert child's name here* just did a poo in the toilet' from a recent and sadly true status I read. Or fifty updates a day on your new baby or your wedding plans. Nobody cares!

SOOOO.....

The reason I have decided Facebook is no longer for me is simple; more simple than the notion of its bland-ness and ironically impersonal feel. I find that Facebook makes people cowardly, cruel, inconsiderate and lazy.

If someone is angry with you, it is very easy for them to slander you publicly on their 'wall' or other people's 'walls'. It is a simple task to say the cruellest things without have to see the expression on your face when they say something that hurts you deeply. People can hide behind Facebook when attacking someone but would never have the guts or consideration to face them in public. People can be misread, misjudged, misinterpreted and misunderstood online and as a result, pay the ultimate price of public humiliation and harassment and worst of all, it's public for everyone to see. This happens too, in email, but at least the audience is actively chosen. On Facebook, the sky's the limit with who has access to that, whether it is intended or not.

The clincher in rudeness is to be 'defriended' mid-dispute before one party has been given the opportunity to voice their objection, opinion or defend themselves. Facebook can be a medium for gang-ups and mob mentality ie. somebody says something cruel about you on their wall and inadvertently invites ten of their friends to 'like' their comment or pass judgement, often not even knowing the full story. It is easy to gang up on somebody when you don't have the target of your bullying in front of you - not having to look into their eyes and see the emerging product of your actions. It is much harder to say a cruel, callous and unjustified remark to somebody's face. It is easier to 'defriend' somebody, rather than have a truly restorative conversation to repair a relationship. And this is why Facebook is the true evil of today's society.

People become the worst version of themselves in the online form. Nobody is interested in anybody else - nobody truly cares if someone writes a comment like "So sad (with an obligatory sad face emoticon)" because in the digital form, this seems shallow and fishing for sympathy. I wouldn't be surprised if the growing dominance of the social networking medium has made people more lonely, depressed and socially inadequate than ever. Instant messaging functions provided by such networks add to this - people are forced to stay 'offline' to avoid people with whom they don't wish to speak. Why bother having these people on Facebook if you won't talk to them?! People talk about themselves constantly on Facebook and in the IM world. Half the time, polite greetings of 'hello' and 'goodbye' don't even appear! Grammar and punctuation are almost lost completelyy in online and instant messaging speak. If I see another sentence that reads "Your a good...." or abbreviated sentences such as "FML, jk, ROFL!", I will scream. So many will simply write LMAO on someone's not-even-funny status for want of an intelligent response. We can't even write in full sentences anymore! I saw a numberplate recently that read LOL. What the hell is our world coming to when somebody pays a premium for something that crass!

Facebook has offered a new medium for children to be bullied outside of school. In addition to the usual appearance, friends, parents, hobbies....., children can now be judged on how many 'friends' they have, teased if they have less than a peer, judged on their photos, on what online games they play, what groups they belong to, what pages they 'like' (pages that have titles like 98% of kids drink or smoke before 18. Join this group if you like bagels); all this opening them up to even more social threats than ever before and now outside of the normal school hours!

Facebook users are judged on their info page, their wall comments, their statuses, on their profile pictures, so many things. When applying for jobs, your potential employers are researching you via Facebook. Your profile picture or info page could be the difference between you earning a six-figure salary or lining up at Centrelink.

Today's Facebook-enabled population have become lazy, opting to write an eight-word 'Happy birthday so-and-so. Have a great day" on someone's wall, rather than ring them and have an actual live conversation or spend time with them or send them an actual birthday card that has a single ounce of meaning to them! Similarly, if someone's relative, friend or pet dies, how impersonal is a comment on Facebook that reads "I'm sorry. xx" rather than ringing or sending cards or flowers or something that requires more than 7 seconds of your time. I wonder how many people have been dumped simply by their partner changing their relationship status to Single. I wonder how many relationships have ended by private Facebook message (or even worse, public wall post!) I can imagine, there have been a few. It's digging unimaginably lower than a break-up via answering machine!

We have become a lazy, inconsiderate society, blatantly disrespectful, uncaring of what we say and do to each other and becoming more self-obsessed, conceited, critical and judgemental. And I am a part of that, continuing to use Stalkbook and contribute to the sad and ironically lonely society that such sites promote.

No more! I have become something I don't want to become and, at the risk of sounding like a fish and chip lady from Ipswich, I don't like it.

Conspiracy Theory Ahead!

2011-03-02T10:29:00.005+10:30

The biggest conspiracy in the world is not who shot JFK. Or if there's extraterrestrial life. Or what happened to Azaria Chamberlain. Or that Elvis is not dead but instead lap dancing in Vegas. No, no, no, don't be deceived. It's really the actual purpose of Valentine's Day.

Firstly, what do people believe Valentine's Day is? It's easy, right? A day for couples to be all schmaltzy and shower their loved ones with gifts on the most romantic day on earth, right? WRONG! These poor misguided fools are told to celebrate a day that was first introduced in honour of a priest (an amusing irony) who is now six foot under - now isn't that romantic?

Valentine's Day is a ploy to remind poor single people of the fact that they're pathetic and alone. Whilst those who are lucky enough to be 'taken' on the 14th Feb are receiving flowers, sweet goodies or getting laid, those poor bastards who admit to sitting on Facebook on a Saturday night or watching Midsomer Murders are lucky to receive cards from themselves.

Except, of course, if it's from a big fat tattooed guy called LuvGod121.

To top it off, radio stations like PatheticFM, play that contemporary adult shit where you have to put your fingers in your ears to prevent the obligatory vomit from all the sickliness. But the singletons are not the only ones who are affected. The lovestruck romantics of this world are the ones that are cheated. These naive lovebirds are fooled into believing that it is their obligation to carry out the expectations of Valentines Day, spending money on chocolates, flowers and stuffed toys, not to mention lingerie that will only be worn once a year because the rest of the year will be spent tearing each other's throats out.

I'm waiting for the day that the government wake up to the realities of Valentine's Day's destruction by creating a day to which we can all relate. A day in which couples are expected to express their displeasure, hatred, disgust and dislike for their spouse/lover/significant other in order to increase sales of poison, kitchen utensils, firearms, hardware and the employment of marital counsellors and solicitors.

I call it Loreena Bobbitt Day.

****Disclaimer: I'm really just a cynic but in all honesty....boys, you can shower me with gifts any time if you really want****

PS. This chick on the Net pointed out that St Valentine was actually the Patron Saint of Epilepsy and Plague. How friggin' romantic?

Things I like and loathe - Feb 2011

2011-02-16T15:07:00.007+10:30

Things I like a lot:

1. Crunching dried leaves in my hands

2. When I play You Tube videos of meowing cats really loud when Ozzie is
asleep next to me.

3. Freshly chargrilled corn-on-the-cob from the Garden of Unearthly Delights

4. When I'm practicing either music or skating and I hit the 'I'm finally getting this'
stage. That first time when you feel like it's not just a fluke any more. Best feeling
ever!

5. That first gulp of a cold beer on a 40 degree day...especially when it's in the
company of good friends and good music.

6. Inside jokes with close friends ("Extra Percussion", "I love Alex", "The prawn
looked at me!", poke-in-the-eye gesture...there are so many!)

7. When I go for a walk and a passer-by smiles and says hello. Doesn't happen very
often and it is heart-warming.

8. A nice cup of Tetley tea in my ridiculously oversized 'Always 100% Grumpy' mug
when I'm feeling stressed and tired.

9. New socks, especially when they are colourful and knee length.

10. Buttered Popcorn Jelly-Belly jelly beans.

Things I could do without:

1. Certain people who, despite being chronologically accepted adults, have the social
consideration of a toilet plunger.

2. When someone borrows a book or sheet music and it is returned dog-eared,
with a broken spine or coffee stains on it.

3. When you go to the shops for something and you leave with everything but the
thing you came for - always happens....especially when it's milk that I need.

4. Banks. In the words of Wil Anderson, "1. They're bastards and 2. We hate them".

5. Having done several thousand dollars worth of unpaid overtime and then feeling
guilty for now refusing to do it!

6. Text language. I want my text messages in full sentences with correct
punctuation! And the correct use of 'Your' and 'You're' is a necessity!

7. Employers who don't even have the decency to send a generic rejection letter
when you unsuccessfully apply for a job.

8. People putting videos of angry, distressed animals on YouTube and then claiming
it is not abused, like this one. Hello?!!! What you are doing is abusive, assholes!

9. Texting while driving. There is no excuse. It is clear and well-known that
it is dangerous and that you are putting other people's lives at risk. People who
text while driving are ignorant and selfish pigs and deserve to hit a stobie pole.
Although, that would be cruel to stobie poles!

10. People who, when they have children, talk about nothing but their children. I
was friends with you before the kids. I want to log on to Facebook and hear
about you, not about how your child with the stupid bogan name did a poo in the
potty this morning! And no, I don't think she's that cute so SHUT UP and
ENOUGH WITH THE MILLION PHOTOS ON MY NEWSFEED! We don't care!

Phew, that took a lot of energy, that last one! :)

Quote of the day: Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down - Dave Barry

The Twilight Saga: Bastardising the Myth with "Sparkles"

2011-01-17T01:50:00.010+10:30

Now, before I get into this, I would like to just clarify one point. I actually enjoyed the Twilight series, despite what I'm about to talk about. But then again, I also enjoy Neighbours as a no-brainer after work, or Rick Astley as a blast from the rather shameful past, or Ace Ventura: Pet Detective or those terribly cheesy 'minimal plot covered by CGI' world destruction movies. I don't pretend that they are quality productions, nor would I ever talk them up as being so in their respective mediums. Twilight is low quality pulp appealing to the mass of screaming pubescence and nothing more. It will likely not be remembered in 10 years.

Twilight is bad on so many levels: from the basics of writing style and grammar to the more complex aspects of plot and character development and the deeper issues of the messages it sends out. Here are some of its (many) potholes which, unfortunately, haven't stopped this latest teenage craze from saturating book store shelves and movie screens.

1. Stephenie Meyer can hardly string two sentences together (or apparently spell StephAnie either.) without a writing no-no of some description. The ability to use the 'Thesaurus' function on Microsoft Word does not a writer make. Aside from the purple prose, mindless repetition of the same point 800 times and the use of words in the wrong context (using chagrin as a verb is a personal favourite), Meyer substitutes simple words for bigger ones to make herself seem a more intelligent writer. For example, instead of saying big dog, she'll write something like Brobdingnagian canine. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Meyer is obsessed with writing mundane details about what Bella is wearing and what she ate for breakfast and how many times she went to do Number Twos. Spare us! And what the hell is wrong with 'She said' or 'He said'. NOOOOO, of course not! It has to be 'She requisitioned ' or 'He asseverated'. Anything but plain old 'said'! Bad bad writing.

2. Nothing happens in the Twilight saga. Aside from a girl falling in love with a guy, is there really anything else to this? All the action happens in the last 30 pages of each book and usually it poses no real threat to the lead's love story. They have no real obstacles because they would be hard to write. Even the Volturi's threat to the Cullens' lives in the final book is a complete fizzer because the Volturi 'miraculously' give up on the whole idea of hurting them, therefore the Cullens win a battle that we knew and they knew they were always going to win. ZERO CONFLICT CREATED. Because killing off any of her beloved flawless characters or writing the actual battle would be hard to write. We don't have any story for any other characters – the minimal backstory we are given on the Cullens tells us little about the character itself and mostly is only there to help Bella and Edward on their unimpeded journey.

3. For a four-book series with a considerable number of supporting characters, you'd hope to get some kind of alternate action to the puke-inducing soppiness of Bella and Edward but Meyer doesn't offer any of that to us. Even when Jacob is the narrator, it's still all centred around the two others. Alice could be an intriguing character but she is reduced to a 'crystal ball' character whose only purpose is to keep the lead character alive. Alice and Bella's friendship is shallow and under-developed.

The first book is 400 pages of 'OMG, look at Edward – he's, like, so beautiful, *screams*, he really is, like, the hottest thing eva!' Strangely enough, I can't even seem to work out why Edward and Bella love each other – what could they possibly have in common? She's seventeen, he's one hundred and something (He he....necrophilia rears its ugly head!). She's a boring nobody. He's a vampire. She has no ambitions, hobbies or personality. He has no...oh, hang on, he has no personality either so they DO have something in common!

Bella likes him because he's some kind of Adonis (really?! I hear you say. I never heard his looks mentioned in the books! LOL). He likes her because she has an odour. Superficial? I think so! I swear, after a ream of paper's worth of dribble, if I had heard about the 'topazed topaziness of Edward's topaz-y eyes' one more time.....!!!!

4. Meyer sets women's lib back to the dark ages. In Meyer's world, it is perfectly acceptable to construct your female protagonist as a co-dependent angsty victim who has no goals or ambitions outside of staring into Edward's topaz eyes and needs to be 'saved' every time she steps outside the house. She had no ambition before she meets Edward but then it was made even worse by her abandonment of her schooling, her family and friends (who she treats badly, especially her father – again, another completely two-dimensional, undeveloped character), ambitions (or lack thereof). All for a teenage crush, most of which, we all know, fail. Those that do survive are built on respect for each other's hopes, dreams and ambitions and friendship, of which Edward and Bella are devoid. And yet, this 'role model' for young girls gets married and knocked up at 18. Great example you're setting for our teenage girls, Stephenie.

5. The characters are one-dimensional and grossly undeveloped and over the course of the books do some rather unsavoury things that we're supposed to accept and move on.

a) Edward is a possessive, intense stalker. Are we seriously supposed to think that slipping into a girl's bedroom to watch her sleep is romantic? Or sabotaging her car so she can't go see her friend?It's not romantic – it's creepy. And no self-respecting girl would think that was acceptable. He has little personality, humour or characterisation beyond being, like, so dreamy *giggles like a 14 year old*... He also uses sex as blackma... ahem... bargaining chip for marriage so that he can have total possession of her forever. Controlling enough?

b) Bella has no faults. She is what is termed a 'Mary Sue' character. Being clumsy is not a character flaw. And all the clumsiness does (I woud presume) is tell us that she is endearing. That's not a character flaw. Oh, unless you count treating Jacob like total shit as one. She is nothing more than a vacuous prick-tease and she has the emotional depth of a toenail.

c) Jacob imprints on a baby. Again, not romantic. I call that paedophilia. Imprinting = problems galore! It's like saying it's okay for you to cheat on/dump your current girlfriend if you've imprinted on someone else. And what if the girl doesn't want them? Are they stuck with some loser guy obsessing over them for ever? What a horrible thought! And Meyer has only put this whole imprinting thing in because it saves her the trouble of writing the hard emotional stuff about Jacob's pain about the 'love of his life' dissing him. Making the baby age at a rapid rate doesn't disguise the fact that it is still a NEWBORN BABY. And, while we're on the topic of babies, Renesmee is possibly the stupidest (and most horribly trashy) name I've ever heard!

6. Meyer has taken two of the coolest mythical creatures ever created and taken all the negatives out of being one, making them just perfect.

a) Vampires do not freaking sparkle. Fairies sparkle, dammit! The one common thread you will find in all vampiric literature from Nosferatu to Stephen King to Anne Rice is that vampires don't like sunlight. Not because they become glittering diamante jewellery from Diva in the blazing sun but because they fry up like a porkchop on a barbecue. But imagine trying to write a teenage romance between a school girl and a nocturnal vampire when the girl is only allowed out until 9pm on a school night – that would be just too hard.

b) Vegetarian vampires? WHY? Why would vampires care about humans? They're monsters. Making them eat animals instead of humans doesn't make them any less soul-less, blood-sucking fiends. And for Edward to not kill Bella is silly. She would be so tasty!

c) How could Bella get pregnant when her husband is, well, dead? How could sex even be possible with a vampire? You need blood to get the action happening down below, don't you boys? Not to mention other essential forms of bodily fluid? What's wrong with this picture? But then who would want to hear about bladder functions, heartburn and farting and all the less dignified parts about pregnancy? Solution: just have your heroine miss all that pregnancy nonsense.

d) Meyer didn't want to have to write the hard stuff about her Mary Sue heroine going through the nasty, evil, killing-machine newborn phase so she just had her skip that bit. What makes Bella so special anyway?? She seemed pretty ordinary and bland to me.

e) In Twilight, doesn't Esme make Bella dinner to welcome her? Italian food? I'm guessing she left the garlic out of the recipe.

f) I suppose in Forks, the school students are so stupid, they don't notice that their classmates are pasty white and have creepy yellow eyes. For that matter, if you're trying so hard to blend in, why wouldn't you get a fake tan? Surely that would hide your glittery goodness.

g) Meyer's werewolves are just big regular wolves who can change when they want. Once again, she's taken all the ugliness of transformation and involuntary changing at full moonlight out of it because it would just be all screwy with her timeline and the overall hotness of her other male fantasy object, Jacob.

h) How do the vampires get the blood out with no fangs? Gnawing like a beaver on someone's neck with ya li'l incisors for a couple of hours could be a little time-consuming. What do they use, a straw?

6. So it's not okay to show any form of sex in your books (I, with amusement, refer to the noticeable lack of description about his beautiful, um, manly areas...) but apparently it is okay to have, in great detail, your male protagonist EAT a baby out of his pregnant teenage wife's stomach? Have I missed something?

7. The movies made a bad series even worse. The dialogue made me laugh out
loud Bella says “I don't really like the rain. Any cold, wet thing... ” and Edward
laughs. (???) Was that supposed to be funny? Then again I laughed because the
first thing I thought was - well, you'd better not get TOO close to him then cos
that's all you're gonna get! Such mundane dialogue, it actually IS funny.

And Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson have no chemistry! She does, ironically,
have chemistry with that Taylor guy though. Well, as much chemistry as you
could get out of the walking mannequin that she is. Kristen Stewart is a bad
actress, looking pained most of the time, even when she's smiling, and for
someone who is supposed to be plain, she looks awfully 'made up'... The two
hours of long looks into each other's topaz-y eyes to the moody music and
deliberately hazy photography (although there are some pretty scenery shots)
sums up what can only be described as teenage angsty drivel.

One thing good that comes out of Twilight is that it has given every budding writer in the world some hope. If Stephenie Meyer could pass these books through a publishing house and not get rejected (or at least be forced into a drastic re-write), maybe, just maybe, there is hope for the rest of us. Time to get that thesaurus out....

Its All About The Orchestra, Okay?!

2009-07-01T16:52:00.006+09:30

I have decided that in order to truly remember the show experiences that I have had over the past however many years, I have to write it down so here are some of my most memorable amateur theatre experiences!

Finian's Rainbow

I think this was the the first South Oz amateur theatre production that I did. Only asked as a last resort because every other clarinet/saxophone/accordion player in SA had been asked to play before me.

Playing clarinet next to some bloke I had never met who played very loudly.

I had the wonderful experience of running for the train at 10.55pm every evening after that show in ELIZABETH! Talk about taking my life into my own hands!

I actually sang along to one of the songs because I couldn't play it well enough!

I was listed as Tom Bastians in the programme. The worst spelling of my name ever! :)

Oliver!

My bass clarinet playing was a disaster of unharmonious proportions! Consisted of 'note, squeak, note, squeak, note, squeak....'

The review of this show said "Who Will Buy should have been entitled 'Who Will Sing in Tune?" Funniest comment ever, John Wells!

The cast and crew had gone to pains to try and create the atmosphere of an orphanage by having the kids scrubbing the walls of the theatre before the show started and people running around screaming at kids to work harder etc. Pity we, the orchestra, decided we were going to have a jam session right then to a 12 bar blues to accompany their hard work!

Oh and please, I think I want to do that 'Consider Yourself reprise' just one more time!!!!!

CHANGED TITLES: I Think I'd Better Drink It All Again, Go Diddle Yourself, Pick a Nostril or Two, Poo Glorious Poo....

The Witches of Eastwick

One word 'Sooooooome-thing....' - oh I have never laughed so hard! That was so bad. Losing all four reed players at once! Steve, you'll be the death of me!

The thunder, MD, the thunder! MD accidently leaned on the sound effects button while reaching for something else during a poignant scene!

MD sitting down thinking he had heaps of time, only to hear the cue line for the next song while he's off daydreaming!

The recording was done on the evening that a saxophone broke halfway through the show, we had 4 ring-ins (including a flute player who was actually an actor who had to leave halfway through to do his scene on stage!), we all got the giggles and I squeaked five times on clarinet!

CHANGED TITLES: Loose Bowels, I Wish I'm Gay, Eastwick Blows,
Waiting For The Mucus To Begin, Worms Worms Worms....

Scrooge

I think by far the most hilarious show I have ever done (and completely unintentionally funny)

One night when we had a replacement Keyboard 2 player, the keyboard just randomly transposed itself a fourth out but poor subsitute had no idea how to fix it. So bad.

2nd keyboard player didn't show up to a show so the MD had to play keyboard and miss the wedding he was supposed to go to! Funnily enough, this matinee was the best show of the season! Ironic.

The Minister's Cat - the key changed every four bars - pity the orchestra didn't notice that it did.

Show went so badly sometimes that I got drunk in between the matinee and evening show - 3 pints in 40 minutes! The evening show was fucking hilarious!

Di and the harpsichord! Unfortunately the first keyboard player forgot to change the sound on her keyboard from the previous song and during a poignant ballad about a dying child, had the chirpy rasp of a harpsichord sound!

Every evening the set people snuck an item into the lead actor's bedside drawer on stage so that he would see something different every night. This included two barbie dolls having sex and a picture of the director's head superimposed on one of those 'fat lady' calender pictures - he became so worried about what was going to be next that he was too scared to open the drawer.

The lead actor forgot the words to one song and then when he came back in later, he was singing the wrong verse which was in a different key. Panic moment!

The best part of the reviews was the bit that went something like 'The singers struggled to sing in tune but it didn't matter because the competent orchestra drowned them out anyway'. He he.

I dropped a bass clarinet down the stairs at the Shedley just before the final show! It consisted of me screaming for someone to catch it at the bottom of the stairs and a fellow orchestra member thumping the keys back in to shape with a hammer! I cried! It wasn't even mine - and snuck back secretly! Only the start of the disaster that is my bass clarinet playing career! At least I could blame the squeaks on the 'damaged instrument'.

Child actors. Need I say more.

Nix's Summer 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' Column!

2008-12-09T22:47:00.004+10:30

WHAT'S HOT

1. Teenage boys running for buses.

There is something so amusing about gangly, gawky early teenage boys running to catch buses. They always seem to have their backpacks on their back bouncing up and down and it always makes me giggle. I really feel tempted to yell out 'Run Forrest Run!'..... equally are girls who run with windmill arms! There was this girl running down Walkerville Terrace the other day like this. I wish I'd had a video camera. He he he.... I saw a guy running like a girl the other day and had a bit of a chuckle. Edgy wasn't as amused as I was. No sense of humour. :)

2. Books about band geeks.

I have been reading lots of books about American concert and marching bands lately - some are unspeakably awful, I hate to admit. Some people know what has sparked this interest for me but it is particularly cool for me to read about people who are just like me - a little too geeky and band-obsessed. But it reminds me that I'm not alone out there.

3. Puppies with funny barks.

There was this dog outside a Stirling cafe the other morning tied to a post. Another dog came past and this little pug started barking. It was the most hilarious sound I have ever heard! It was a snuffly, squash-nose-combined-with-phlegm bark! It was very similar to this dog's bark..... so funny!

4. Finding a good reed.

I know this sounds quite sad and geeky but getting a good reed is very exciting. They cost so much and yet most of them are useless even straight out of the box. Don't even START me on the problems I've had since I changed mouthpieces. I have been battling with reeds that sound like a goose for a number of months and finally yesterday I found one that was alright. And thanks to reading the band nerd books, I found this cartoon that confirms my views:

But a bad reed can be the bane of a wind player's existence. One of the rare amusing memories I have of the con is when a certain bassoon player pinned up a bassoon reed on the woodwind noticeboard in 3 separate pieces. Underneath, she had put a note: 'Let this be a warning to all reeds: Behave OR ELSE!'. So true, so true..... Better to break the reed against the wall than throw the clarinet like one clarinet player I know, no names mentioned!

5. Coffee places that make REAL lattes.

And I don't mean cappuccinos without the chocolate!!!

What part of 'lattes do not have foam!' do coffee franchises not understand? A latte should be mostly milk but not foam! To the people at Hudsons - cappuccinos, lattes and flat whites should be different, not exactly the same!!!

The lovely ladies at Unruly Tabouli in Golden Grove seem to understand this so why can't Hudsons or Gloria Jeans or all the other coffee places (that generally do half-ass coffees anyway that are cold or burnt or too hot or curdled anyway). There is nothing quite like a good coffee, when the barista takes their time so that the coffee doesn't burn, warm the milk without curdling it, lets the coffee brew properly. I will pay more for it if its better and also if they give better service like the above G.G Village establishment where the girls remember my order every week and give service with a smile. Quality is better than quantity!

What's NOT

1. People who do not rsvp to invitations.

This is so friggin rude! It is totally impolite when somebody invites you to a party or function (especially when it is a special function which requires booking) and they don't respond. All it takes is a five second text message or email apology if you can't make it. I don't think this is much to ask really. The problem is that online social websites like Facebook have made it easier for people to just rsvp to functions without giving a polite explanation of why they can't make it or even a simple one word 'sorry'. It appears that, ironically, with this social network that should aid in communication, people have become socially inconsiderate. And no matter how busy you are, you would expect at least SOMETHING from people you consider friends.

2. Smokers who throw cigarette butts out of car windows.

I saw the SES and CFS attending to the end of what looked like a small grass fire on the freeway just before the tunnels the other day which could have only been started by a cigarette. How completely irresponsible! What right do smokers think they have that they can litter when everything else is considered taboo? Smoking is a disgusting habit that they should subject themselves to and noone else but the rest of us seem to suffer with the smell, the passive smoking, the litter and all the other unpleasantries. Anyone caught throwing a butt on the ground should be fined, full stop. I don't care what excuse they have. If there's no bin, wrap it up and put it into your bag to dispose of it later. A police officer friend said that when she's on duty, she loves to pull over drivers who throw cigarette butts on the ground, pick up the cigarette butt and throw it back in the car saying 'I'm sorry, you dropped this!' You go, girl!

3. Andre Rieu

There are some truly wonderful violinists in Adelaide - Natsuko from the Grainger Quartet, anyone in the ASO and even some of the Elder Con students. Violinists that don't get the recognition they deserve. Some of the concerts done by Musica Viva, The ASO, The Australian String Quartet, The Grainger Quartet, the ACO don't get the audiences they deserve to get because of the supreme quality of music they provide.

And yet somebody as crass and kitsch as Andre Rieu infiltrates Adelaide with his vomit-inducing crap and pretends to be 'bringing class' to Adelaide. All the elderly ladies claim that they are getting a classy classical evening but there is nothing classy about a bloke who musically rapes some of the greatest compositions around. Even when the music is not Viennese or a waltz, he manages to turn it into both. He is a person of limited musical ability and if he really cared about the music, he wouldn't need the sets or the costumes but just the music. His tickets cost a ridiculous amount and he didn't sell out. Maybe this is because he underestimated the intelligence of Adelaideans. U2 sold out their concert at AAMI even though their tickets were the same price.

Just because he is a good businessman, doesn't make what he does right. And to those who begin to say 'when you sell out AAMI stadium, let me know', I would NEVER sell my soul, no matter how famous I'd ever become.

4. Songs on the radio that are lyrically COMPLETELY inappropriate for the age group they appeal to.

To give a few examples, in the last few months, there have been the following.....

Lady Ga Ga - Just Dance. To quote the lyrical content:

I've had a little bit too much, All of the people start to rush (start to rush by)
A dizzy twister dance, Can't find my drink or man , Where are my keys? I lost my phone
What's goin’ on, on the floor? I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore keep it cool What’s the name of this club? I can't remember but its alright, a-alright

At a time when the government have been trying to target teenage binge drinking, have they LISTENED TO THIS SONG? Geez, this chick was on Rove promoting this song and she's all of ,what, 12???

And how about 'Take Me On The Floor' by the Veronicas. Ok, so the title is self-explanatory. The Veronicas' core audience are tweenies (ie 8-15 years old). These little bitches as pop icons have a friggin social responsibility to these kids and this is the message they're sending them??? They should be ashamed of themselves.

And then there's Usher's "Love In This Club" where the chorus lyrics are "I wanna make love in this club...' and other lyrics like: "If you didn’t know, you’re the only thing that’s on my mind
Cuz the way I'm staring miss you got me wantin to give it to you all night"

That song makes me wanna puke. Again, as a guy who was only 16-ish when he hit the big time and who appeals to teenagers, he has a responsibility to them to act appropriately and with lyrics like that, he is completely violating that. It makes me so angry.

5. Turning 30.

Turning thirty is bringing some harsh realities to light for me. I haven't really achieved much - I have no assets, no real financially secured income, I haven't even reached my playing or career goals despite 21 years of scholastic focus. It's a little depressing! I wish I could just freeze time right here and hold off until something happens and then press 'go' again when something is achieved so I can approach my 30th birthday with no regrets. But I don't think that's gonna happen somehow...

Cover Up Properly or GO AWAY!

2008-11-18T19:19:00.004+10:30

As a general rule, I don't like music covers. I don't enjoy many of the performances that happen on Australian Idol due to this fact. Whilst I can appreciate the difficulty to perform many songs that are a lot more challenging than they appear, I don't understand why it is NECESSARY to cover somebody else's work. It's like gaining fame and money through somebody else's hard work....

I am a big fan of song writing. There are some fabulous songwriters - past and present, some extremely famous, some not-so-well-known. Those songwriters deserve to have their songs presented in a way that truly represents their vision and talent.

The majority of covers simply don't do that. Most covers either try to do one of two things:

1. To be a direct copy of the original ie. has anyone noticed how incredibly similar Le-Ann Rimes and Trisha Yearwood's versions of 'How Do I Live' sound? That can't be a coincidence...did Diane Warren stipulate that every version of her song had to sound EXACTLY the same???.

Many songs that appear on 'Coverville' are exactly that - copies.... I don't want to hear some 3rd rate American garage band covering an REM or a Radiohead or a U2 song. Why do I want to listen to somebody doing a half-assed, C grade version of a great song when I can just listen to the original? Most offer nothing new or original or creative - just copycats. They don't understand or utilise the lyrical content, make good use of the melodic or harmonic contours and don't understand the sentiments under which the song was written. It's no better than singing along to a karaoke dvd.

2. Even worse than the first, they try to present the song as is but with an annoying whiny vocalist and even more irritating techno beat or thrashy '90s Punk Rock riff that is neither imaginative nor pleasant to listen to. As an example, take a look at the horribly grating 'Heaven' dance cover of Bryan Adams that appeared a few years ago. Now not only did they thrust a talentless teenybopper as a vocalist on us who had the diction of someone with a tennis ball shoved down her throat ("I'm trying hard to BUHHHlieve we're in heavuuuuuuuhhhhn!") but that beat just pissed me off! It's bad enough having to listen to Bryan Adams sing it but bloody hell! And let's not forget Madonna and her unspeakably awful version of Don McLean's 'American Pie'. Let's just say, just because you CAN cover it, doesn't mean you should. Just because you like the song and enjoy singing it in the shower, doesn't mean you should record it for all to be subjected to what is usually complete insensitivity to the original. How stupid was the dance cover version of 'Boys Of Summer' - did they even listen to the lyrics? They just don't make sense when a girl sings them....

BUT....

In amongst the mounds of crap, you do occasionally find gems and here is a list of some of my favourite cover versions of some great songs.

Regina Spektor's version of the late great John Lennon's song "Real Love" is, to put it simply, just gorgeous. Spektor's voice is full of simultaneous fragility and raw energy and she really does this song justice. I believe she tried this live and it was met with such enthusiasm that she recorded it for charity. It's a mean feat to cover Lennon but she does such a beautiful job of it.

There are actually two cover versions of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that I think are worthy of this list: the first is the gorgeous Tori Amos. I love her version of this song - very Tori in its simplicity - and I think that she made this her own with great sensitivity to the chordal structure - it has all the same darkness despite its more ethereal mood. Apparently Kurt Cobain called this 'the great breakfast cereal version.' LOL. The other is the version that the jazz trio The Bad Plus brought out. What I love about this cover and all the others that The Bad Plus tackle is that they mess with the chords, making it essentially jazz-based without destroying the integrity of the song. It is clearly and noticeably the same song but when the 'outside' chords infiltrate the song, it always makes me laugh. I love it.

Michael Jackson is a hard one to cover because of the massive energy and showmanship that he brings to every song - its not just about the song - its the video, the dancing, the orchestration. So I was rather impressed with Alien Ant Farm's version of Smooth Criminal. Not one of the most airplayed MJ songs but anybody who likes music videos will remember the clip. The riff lends itself to thrashy guitars and I think it works very well. It's such a fun version that holds interest all the way through which is a feat in itself. I also am a big fan of Jean Paul Wabotai's version of Billie Jean. Like the great Bobby McFerrin, Wabotai creates the whole Michael Jackson classic vocally - from percussive effects (done on his body) to booming vocal bass - but he maintains his distinctive French-Zairean accent throughout. I am a big fan of this man (and Bobby McFerrin, I might add) and the kind of energy and love he brings to all his performance and this stood out for me as a great but unfortunately little-known cover. You should check this guy out if he ever performs near you!

There aren't many covers that I think can do the Beatles' songs justice but Cliff Bennett and The Rebel Rousers did a bloody good job with "Got To Get You Into My Life". In fact, I think I actually like this version better and clearly Paul McCartney thought it was worthy too as he produced it apparently. Cliff Bennett had a great voice and I love the fat horn sound in his version that the Beatles just lacked in their original, I think.

I love Metallica and have grown to love and appreciate their music so much as I've grown older. "Nothing Else Matters" is a fantastic song that you really couldn't imagine anybody else doing justice but Apocalyptica have taken this song to a completely new place. This Finnish cello quartet do an achingly beautiful job of this song - the most unlikely looking group of string players if ever I saw them but their arrangement is exquisite. I'm curious to know what the Metallica boys think of this version...and whether James Hetfield would consider singing it with them (if he hasn't already).

I am a huge fan of Simon and Garfunkel but not of their song 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'. As great songwriters, I am very impressed with their work but lyrically, this song sucked. It actually annoys me because I love the melody and chordal structure of the song. So then comes Aretha Franklin. She does an awesome gospel version of this song that is chock-full of soul and innovation. Listening to her version actually makes me forget about the lyrics and listen to the great songwriting that Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel brought to the world. She's amazing. What a goddess.

There are so many great songs that the beautiful late Eva Cassidy brought to the world of music. I am deeply saddened that her tragic death means we won't get to experience any more of her wonderful voice. One of my favourite songs is Sting's "Fields Of Gold". I love his version - so beautiful. But Eva's song equally gives me tingles down my spine. Actually, many of her versions do, but this particular song is so simple and pure that it will probably remain my favourite of all her performances. Check her out on the Live At Blues Alley album....just lovely!

The soundtrack to Moulin Rouge is, of course, the ultimate cover album but for the most part, the songs are not as interesting as the original. All but one - the version of The Police's Roxanne is AWESOME. "El Tango De Roxanne" is one of the cleverest versions of a popular song I have ever heard. Not only was it highly appropriate to the film content but WHAT a voice that came from Jose Feliciano...so Tom Waits-y and raw. The song works so well in a tango form because it has that lyrical content that is so indicative of the tango passion. And the violinist should be commended - excellent playing!

One of my favourite albums of all time is Zebra Crossing by the Soweto String Quartet. What I love about these four men is that they are classically trained performers who haven't forgotten where they come from. They are some of the most delightfully jubilant people who clearly live for their music. Africa, musically, has so much to offer and the Soweto String Quartet tap into that throughout this album. But they pay tribute to Paul Simon and his Graceland album for bringing African music to popular culture. Technically this is four snippets of covers, not one: "Homeless", "Graceland", "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes" and "You Can Call Me Al". The songs, already based in African rhythms (and of course, lyrically and vocally) work so well with these performers who manage to muster so much energy to play these songs. I can't help but dance around the living room to this. I'm sure Paul Simon would have been most flattered to have heard this version.

Jazz versions of popular songs can go in different directions: either badly (aka any version by Michael Buble who takes out the character, energy and in a lot of cases, sexiness, of a song and squashes it flat) or done very well in the case of Harry Connick Jr's versions of Broadway show tunes on Songs I Heard- (so clever...you should check it out) or John Coltrane's famous version of "My Favourite Things". I think the latter two work because they AREN'T pop music. There's a certain element of rhythm, melody and harmony in Broadway and film music that doesn't appear in your average chart-appearing pop song. And I think that is why Miles Davis's "Someday My Prince Will Come" is so amazing. The basic elements of the song are there but Miles stamps his mark on it pretty quickly, complete with mutes. I love this whole album but that track is a real stand out for me.

Now anybody who knows me knows I live for Stevie. I love him - he is one of my favourite artists of all time. What a great songwriter, performer, idol.... And "Higher Ground" is one of my favourite songs of his. So you wouldn't expect me to actually accept covers of his music. But Red Hot Chili Peppers have done it. Their version of this song is outstanding. The Stevie-trademark keyed bass translates very well into Flea's slap technique and that is one of the stand out features of this song. Anthony Kiedis' wailing voice (which usually annoys me, actually) suits this song down to the ground as vocally, it isn't one of Stevie's strongest melodies. The character is in the bass riff and lyrics and both of these are exaggerated well in RHCP's version. I actually really love this version and will listen to both equally. And for anybody who hasn't seen it, check out the movie Centre Stage for a great dance sequence to this song...

I am not a big fan of Leonard Cohen, all doom and gloom and plain depressing. But I'll give him credit. He did create one hell of a good song: "Hallelujah", expertly covered by the late wonderful Jeff Buckley. Jeff Buckley makes this song sound so pensive and beautiful, unlike Cohen's version which sounds like music for a commercial. Buckley's version is stripped right back to sparce guitar and vocals, unlike Cohen's which is backed by choir. Whilst the biblical references and liturgical sentiments of the song are lost on me, I love that the song builds through the verses and then comes to rest again after the 'chorus'. Such masterful songwriting done so beautifully by Buckley - a sad reminder of what a tragic loss Buckley's death was to world music.

Of course, there are other covers that should make the list but these are the ones that stand out the most for me at the moment. Please feel free to comment if you feel that other covers should be added to the list....

Quote of the day: "Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art"
Charlie Parker

A Eulogy

2008-09-12T22:53:00.004+09:30

We first met in 2005, in Edwardstown. I was a little apprehensive about taking you into my family - you seemed a little uncooperative and not 100% healthy. I didn't want to get attached to you but Dad convinced me that it would work out alright.

It took a while for me to get used to having you in my life. You were a rather grumpy bugger, stubborn and headstrong, refusing to do half the things I asked. One unfortunate day, you decided to go into total meltdown, leaving me totally helpless in Burnside, not knowing what to do. After much attempt at revival, we were forced to get help for you. You were picked up and taken to somebody who knew your condition well. After a complete bypass operation several days later, you recovered well for a short period. Then only a few months later, you once again succumbed to more issues: you lost the ability to suck. You lost all motor function and you had to be revived several times. After several other total malfunctions, including several occasions where I thought it was the end of you, I finally thought we had gotten over the worst of your condition. But your age was against you, despite me always having faith in you.

On Friday, you succumbed to your age and your basic functions gave in for the final time. You were 28. You were definitely not the most attractive member of your peers - you had many physical disabilities and aesthetically, you were rather scarred from many bad experiences. But you had undeniable character. You were a total BEAST. As much grief as you gave me emotionally, financially and the inconveniences placed on me as a result of your ailing health, I will miss you.

RUST IN PEACE, Helga the beer guzzling wench. :)

Courtesy of Sophie, the expert snapper!

2008-09-02T16:10:00.004+09:30

Okay, so I'm wetting my pants laughing right now! My mum rocks!

The Trouble Makers in The Back Row

2008-08-14T10:36:00.003+09:30

THE REQUIREMENTS OF TEAM THIRD MEMBERS

In order to be a true Team Third member is not simply the playing of the 3rd part of any section of the band but also in several other important requirements.

1. You must have sat in the second row, not the front, for an extended period of time so as to successful carry out your troublemaking without being seen.

2. You must have the suspicion of the musical director at all times that you and the people sitting next to you are 'up to no good'.

3. You must deface the music, changing directions, titles, composer names to inappropriate ones approximating the original. The dirtier the better. Good examples are: Sergeant Leper's Falling Off Parts Club Band; Music for a Testicle, Lawrence has Rabies, Champignon of The Peas, Amazing Grapes (by Ticheli Me Elmo). The movements of the Fifth Suite for Band entitled Down Hoe, Whore and my personal favourite: 'It's In Six, Fuckers! And you are not a true Team Third member unless you have been told off about it because you have defaced music belonging to Pembroke, Walford, the Police Band.... One very exciting Police Band Team Third nominee is the person who changed 'John Come Kisse Me Now' to 'John Kisse Me Come Now!'

4. You must discuss topics during lulls in the music (ie when the MD stops to discuss a section with another instrument group) that have no relation to the music being played. Preferably non music related topics. Even better is discussing these topics while the MD stops to pick on YOUR section. Be defiant when the MD points out your lack of concentration and attention. Ignore him whenever you can. Refuse to play a section when he/she asks because you haven't practiced it and can't be assed.

5. Spend at least 50% of post-performance evenings at the pub. You must be available to attend coffee club meetings as a bitch session about said MD.

6. Tune your concert Bb to perfection before the rehearsal so that you can comfortably play out of tune for the rest of the rehearsal/performance with a clear conscience.

7. Never have a pencil ready unless it is to deface music. Never mark music related scribbles on the score.

Any questions, visit the 'I'm a Proud Member of Team Third' facebook group. Spread the love!

WARNING: GRATUITOUS X-FILES POST!

2008-07-31T15:17:00.016+09:30

I decided that since my life has been saturated with The X Files through the purchase of box set of all nine seasons on DVD, that I would write a post about it. So I apologise in advance to those who don't like the show.....skip over this post.

Generally my favourite episodes are the non-mythology ones because I have the attention span of a goldfish and can only concentrate for45 minutes on one thing. Not to say I don't like the mythology episodes but my favourites tend to be the clever stand-alone episodes.

My favourite eps from the first three seasons:

Season 1

Squeeze - This is a memorable one. This is the episode with Eugene Tooms, the stretchy man who rips out and eats people's livers and then hibernates for 30 years. This episode scared the shit out of me when I was a teenager - I had nightmares about the yellow eyes. This epitomises the X Files for me - subtle, creepy, never showing too much, clever and creative. Quote of the episode: "How do I get [the bile] off my fingers without betraying my cool exterior"

Fire - I loved this episode. This is the one where a man can set fire by will and burns people to death. The double entendres all the way through with relation to Scully's apparent jealousy of Phoebe Green, Mulder's ex-girlfriend, are really funny :) I thought this episode was very clever....twisted and turned and I love fire-related tv and film. Anyone remember Backdraft? Very cool.. Line of the episode: "Is that what you were extending?"

Ice - This is the episode where Mulder and Scully go to the Arctic where a group of scientists have killed each other. The worm inserted into the dog's ear is disgusting but cool and this is the first time that Mulder and Scully have been forced to distrust each other. A very interesting episode. Quote of the episode "Before anyone passes judgement, remember we are in the Arctic"

Darkness Falls - This, I think, was my favourite of the season. The little green bugs in the forest episode. I really truly thought that they were going to cark it in this episode when the bugs got in their car. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. The sucking sound effects of the bugs drinking the human fluid is revolting! The foley artists should be commended for that. And I like the concept that human ignorance and selfishness toward the environment were the cause of the anomaly as it really is not that far from the truth.

Season 2

Die Hand Die Verletz - This was the episode in which a group of school teachers were involved in some kind of satanic cult. This episode had it all - the funny lines, the cool effects and I really like witchcraft stories! This was the last one that Morgan and Wong wrote, I believe and they wrote some of the best eps. The best bit however was the 'blooper' in which the giant python eats one of the characters from the foot up - what would it have done once it got to his crotch? LOL. And since when do pythons leave a skeleton? But a very interesting episode nonetheless. Quote of the day: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!!"

Aubrey - I think this is the one that creeped me out the most in the whole nine seasons. This episode was about genetic memory and the specific murderous tendencies of one man being passed down in his family. The creepy eyes of the woman that plays BJ freaked me out. And same with the old bloke who plays her dad - cold hard and iceblue. I get very scared of any movie where creatures/people appear suddenly in mirrors - I think it harks back to the days of 'Candyman'. This was a really cleverly written and well filmed episode. Quote of the episode: "I've always been intrigued by women named BJ"

Humbug - This is the side show episode where the deformed miniture conjoined twin 'unconjoins' itself and goes around killing people. How funny was this one?!!! I love Jim Rose! And the Enigma who had grafted coral to his skull so he had horns! The little dwarf from "Living In Oblivion" was in this one and I always remember his bit in that movie to be the ultimate highlight. The bit where Scully eats the bug cracks me up every time. I've decided that when I grow up, I wanna be a side show performer! Quote of the ep: "Can't wait for the wake!"

F Emasculata - An Outbreak-esque episode about a bizarre disease with pus balls and rotting animal carcases. I liked this one. It wasn't particularly X-File-y really because all the events could be explained, albeit the disease was pretty nasty. The make up and special effects people did very well with this one. The pus balls were suitable stomach-churring. This would have made a good movie.Season 3

Syzygy - This is the one with the two teenage bimbos controlling events because they were born at a particular time of a rare astrological alignment giving them psychokinetic powers. He he he he..... this episode is a cack. From the first 'Hate her, hate her, wouldn't wanna date her' quote to Mulder and Scully's nasty repartee right to the last moment, this episode is clever and amusing. I'm a sucker for the funny ones. I like the episode Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose as well and it was a toss up between the two but I think this one wins out. Best quote: "I know how much you like snapping on the latex"

Oubliette - This was about the girl who was kidnapped and for some reason, another woman who had been kidnapped by the same man in her youth being able to feel how she's feeling. Not a funny episode; its actually a very sad episode but I really liked this one. The story between the two girls is poignant and this is one of the first times we really get to see Mulder open up (outside of the mythology series and Scully' disappearance and return). The bit where Amy is drowning and her 'other half' begins to cough up the water is a highlight.

Pusher - This is the episode with the man who can control other people to do things by speaking to them, therefore making people kill themselves or see things differenty. UGH! This episode is creepy. The whole Russian Roulette thing was an 'edge of your seat' moment for me and the scene when the deputy set himself on fire was disturbing! I thought this was a very clever episode that was extremely well acted by both Gillian Anderson and the bloke who played Robert Modell. I was pleased that he came back in season 5 because I felt like I was left wanting more after this episode. And I can never look at the words 'cerulean blue' the same way again.

War of The Coprophrages - Okay, lets face it. Any episode that has 'poo jokes' in it is alright with me! This episode involved cockroaches that kill! We see Queequeg have a bath with dog wash called 'Die Fleas Die' which was a particular highlight! The bit where Scully can't get past the fact that the entomologist's name is Bambi is hilarious. This is a silly episode but thoroughly entertaining! The third season episodes were starting to become more 'hit and miss', I think but there were still a bigger proportion of great episodes than not-so great episodes. Quote of the episode "You smell bad".

Okay that's enough shameless XFiles worshipping for one day!

Stuff people say

2008-07-17T17:02:00.005+09:30

No 1.

I hate it when people say "Bob's Your Uncle". No he's not. Noel is my uncle, and Greg is my uncle and Leslie is my uncle and Chris is my uncle...and Steven is my uncle and Alan is my uncle and Gary is my uncle. NOT BOB!!! There's a moving company called 'Bob's Your Uncle Furniture Removals'. Will they not move my furniture if I don't have an uncle Bob?

Bothers me a lot!

No 2.

When people say 'basically' at the start of their sentences. I don't want it 'basic'. I want the FULL STORY. No short cuts so you can end the conversation. Although for some people, basic is all they can do.

No 3.

The End.

The funniest jokes ever....

2008-07-15T14:05:00.003+09:30

You know, there are really complicated jokes, really dirty jokes, really socially controversial jokes, and just plain insulting jokes. Some of them (only some...) are funny.

But even the good ones all suck in comparison to the oldies but goodies....

What do you call a woman up against a lamppost? Eileen
What do you call her mother up against a lamppost? Marlene
What do you call a Chinese woman up against a lamppost? Irene
What do you call a woman with no legs? Noelene
What do you call a man pinned to a wall? Art
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a man whose been in a pile of leaves for a long time? Pete
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas
What do you call a boy with a car on his shoulders? Jack
What do you call a woman with an oyster on her head? Pearl
What do you call a man with his head down a toilet? Lou
What do you call a woman with her head down two toilets? Lulu
What do you call a man lifting weights? Jim
What do you call a man with a speedo on his head? Miles
What do you call a man on his knees? Neil
What do you call a man in a hole? Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and legs being towed by a boat? Skip
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man lying at your front door? Matt
What do you call two guys hanging up on the inside of your window? Kurt and Rod
What do you call a man being used as a NZ cricket ball? Chuck
What do you call a man stuffed in your mailbox? Bill
What do you call a girl on a beach? Sandy
What do you call a girl buried under the sand on a beach? Shelley
What do you call a man wearing a coat? Mac
What do you call a man wearing two coats? Max
What do you call a girl hanging from a washing line? Peg
What do you call a girl between two goal posts? Annette
What do you call a man who talks too loud? Mike
What do you call a man with a skull made out of timber? Edward
What do you call a man with a doughnut on his head? Duncan
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head? Beatrix
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lily
What do you call a woman sitting on a bbq hotplate? Patty

But for my favourite........

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ass? Warren

Nix's Winter 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' column

2008-06-10T15:16:00.004+09:30

What's Hot

1. Asking police officers if they like donuts. He he he... I recently asked two that I know. One (a police prosecutor) laughed heartily. The other didn't. She had no sense of humour!!!

2. Snapping the elastic on someone's underwear. It's fun and it annoys the crap out of the recipient. Could there be a better pastime? I don't think so.....

3. Stickers. I love stickers. I bought some the other day for my students but now I can't stop putting them on stuff. My phone is covered, so is my diary. I'm one step away from buying a whole new set for myself. They are so cute and shiny. ....geez, what am I, five????!!!

4. Pig products. I love bacon and pork and ham. I think I was the only one watching Babe and actually thinking "mmmm, roast pork with potatoes"....

5. The fact that I don't have to endure the pathetic bitchiness of the con ever again!!!! Let me tell you, I got so sick of dealing with the staff favouritism (and we all know who the culprits are of that one). I was fed up with the two-faced nature of particular staff members, the students who don't support each other but just bitch and moan, don't take any constructive criticism, are nasty to each other for little or poor reason, backstab instead of helping each other, and waste their time in the bar instead of practicing, wasting tax payer dollars whittling away their time and (usually government) money at uni on beer. And most of all, the fact that noone mingles outside of their instrument group or in the community music scene. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot - it limits your contacts in the outside world and limits your prospects as a versatile employee in the music scene.

At least I can safely say that I did my upmost to pass my years at uni (all 9 of them) and I didn't waste my 6 years in Adelaide Uni Bar. I have no sympathy for those who get stressed over their uni exams or assignments because they haven't practiced or studied enough. Tough shit - you didn't put the work in. Maybe you should have tried harder. Or in some cases, you're just not suited to music. Deal with it. People like that are making Adelaide's music degrees look really bad on a national level!!!!! I went to nationals this year in Brisbane and met a 2nd year clarinet student called Brendan at the Queensland Con. He was adorable - very friendly and full of compliments. We swapped email addresses and I fully intend to keep in contact with this guy. It was so nice to meet a friendly future player of the clarinet. He had enormous potential as a professional player but was still humble enough to be friendly to someone who wasn't as good as him and offer support and guidance. This is a rarity at the con because everybody is so far up themselves, it's hard to see straight. Of course, there are a few exceptions (Turkey is a trooper, for example) but it's such a horrible pattern.

I'm so pleased I'm not there. It's a weight off my shoulders. Because there is a happier life outside of the con.

What's Not

1. People who name their kids STUPID REDNECK TRAILER-TRASH NAMES. At one school I teach at, there are several variations of one name, only they change the first letter. So ridiculous! The real name is Aiden - but at this school, there's two Haydens, three Braydens, five Jaydens, one Kayden (kayden?????? You have to be kidding me!) and even a Cailan. They are not names, people!!! They belong in Dr Seuss.

Even worse is when parents just give their kids place names as christian names. There is a whole family there with kids named after American states: Montana, Dakota, Georgia and the worst, a country - Jamaica. It makes me want to vomit. The worst bit about it is that the kids have Balkan parents so it doesn't even fit with their background.

And then there's my pet hate - when they give them a normal name but spell it phonetically. Here are a few at this school: Jazminn, Mikayla, Jaymes, Jorja, Kristle....

It's not creative, people. It just makes you look like an ill-educated idiot who can't spell! I remember an ex telling me that someone named their kid after them, only they had no idea how to spell it so the poor kid has a normal name spelled wrong on their birth certificate.

2. The fact that people think they already know my nationality and occupation based on my first name (in nickname). Why does Nicky automatically denote Mediterranean flight attendant. That's why I like Nicole. At least it's relatively generic and you don't have people casting aspersions on your IQ based on your 'dumb airhead' first name.

3. Putting bumper stickers on your car that are humourless and pointless. Whoever came up with the 'porn star' bumper sticker must be cacking their pants right now! Why would you want a sticker that says that on your car? a) It's not true. b) Even if it were, why would you advertise it. c) Why is it suddenly cool to be a 'porn star'? And then there's all the different 'bitch' bumper stickers. Talk about advertising yourself badly. What the hell is the point?

My brother has the right idea. He wants to come up with stupid t-shirts that say pointless words cos there is bound to be dumb ass losers with too much money to spend who would buy them.

4. Being a celebrity for doing absolutely nothing. Anna Nicole Smith was the perfect example of someone who was famous for being famous. These people had/have MILLIONS! People like Corey Worthington proved to us that society has gone friggin nuts when someone can gain success for being a disrespectful, juvenile little shit. The Big Brother contestants go one further because when they come out the house, they don't really have a huge amount to offer as celebrities. (albeit even C Grade celebrities). I'm not saying that they wouldn't be fantastic lawyers or tax accountants or McDonalds drive thru attendants. They are just not celebrity material - why? Because anyone with an ounce of confidence, talent or dignity to withstand the scrutiny of the public eye would not be putting themselves on a tv show like that. They wouldn't need to.

5. Sack dresses. What is with the dresses that are 'fashion' now. The whole, 'one tube' thing with a belt. I've made jokes about long strapless tops with belts before but now it's actually happened. It's one stop away from the granny dress! Horrible. It's not flattering, clings in all the wrong places for anyone who has even an ounce of a hip or a chest and is usually made out of the cheapest, ugliest material. Taste? Whatever happened to taste? A couple of years ago, fashion looked promising but I knew it was too good to be true.

4 cool photos - a little random, I know

2008-04-22T16:46:00.010+09:30

I was just filtering through the photos and I came across this one that I took in Tasmania - Wrest Point Casino in Hobart in 2005.

It's made completely of papier mache.

Pretty cool, huh! And I thought my mexican man mask was pretty good. :)

This next photo was taken at the Adelaide Zoo on my birthday 2006. The lioness was looking at a child. It was amusing. I remember saying out loud "Mmmm, she wants to eat the child". The kid heard me and ran quite alarmed back to her mother. He he he he he....

The next photo was one I took only a month ago on the Brisbane River Cat of the Story Bridge. I managed to get a sunset with the bridge in silhouette. Not bad for a camera phone, eh?

This is Simon's cat, Toots. She's so cute! Sorry for the gratuitous cute pet photo but awwww....

My dirty mind...

2008-04-14T14:55:00.003+09:30

10 WORDS THAT SOUND SUGGESTIVE BUT ARE ACTUALLY PERFECTLY INNOCENT....

1. Cunning

2. Masticate

3. Sexegenarian

4. Titillation

5. Seaman

6. Condominium

7. Engorge

8. Squirts (as in the Starburst ones)

9. Booby Trap

10. Root beer.

He he he....

Bunk Brisbane: Hell disguised as accommodation

2008-03-31T21:22:00.003+10:30

I chose Bunk Brisbane as the accommodation for our ensemble for Nationals for two reasons: the first being that a Brisbane born friend suggested it when I asked her about accommodation in Qld and the second being that it was supposedly an award winning backpackers and had been on Getaway etc. But, wow, do I regret picking this place though! I'm bringing this subject up here on my blog because no site has the facility to review this place anywhere else.

I booked the accommodation for 8 people (thinking we would have 8 on our busiest night) 6 weeks before we left Adelaide. I had to change it a few weeks later to a 6 bed mixed dorm when our numbers declined and received a confirmation of our booking which was correct and stated that we had a 6 bed mixed dorm for 8 nights on Level 3 from Tuesday 18th to Tuesday 25th March. I asked for verbal confirmation also and received the same thing. All in all, I confirmed the booking 4 times. You'd think that'd be enough, right?

We arrived in Brisbane on Tuesday and 20 minutes after we landed in the state, I received a phone call from 'Kelly at Bunk Brisbane' stating that we hadn't shown up for our booking. I said to her 'the booking is for Tuesday night to Tuesday night, not Monday. I've confirmed this several times'. I told her we would be there in 10minutes and I'd sort it out then. I have a sneaking suspicion that during that time, she had to make adjustments to our booking in order to fix the mistake (I reckon she double booked our room) because when we arrived there, we were put in a downstairs room, right next to the communal laundry and cleaner's cupboard – the ass end of the complex. I didn't query it but I should have demanded we get our original room.

Turns out this room was pretty bad. In addition to having no reading lights as advertised (check out their website at http://www.bunkbrisbane.com.au/ for confirmation of this) - which was a problem as it was extremely dim, the room looked nothing like the pictures on the website. The beds had leather covers (anti-piss covers) so were extremely uncomfortable and if the person on the top bunk moved, you thought you were gonna be crushed by a falling bed. Not to mention that you were woken up from the squeaky beds. The room was fitted with an split system airconditioner set permanently to a rather warm 24º. The room was stuffy and smelly with no windows to open, the toilet and shower reeked because of the lack of ventilation and the smell drifted into the sleeping areas, there were no curtains on the window so you were woken up at 5:30am to the morning sun. The room was noisy in the morning due to the cleaners and laundry. The so called 'squeaky clean' consisted of a two second mop with pine-o-cleen. I tested them out by leaving a small ball of hair in the shower. It was still there a week later. There was no real cleaning. The toilet was still gross and the toilet brush would just make it worse cos it was so old and grimy. The toilet door was broken and didn't lock. Bad luck if you were the first person to use the shower in the morning because the drain smelled so bad with the fan off all night. And bad luck if you were the last person too because the bathroom would be flooded due to the bad design of the shower so you'd come out wetter than you were when you were under the shower. The least they could have done is provide a rubber bathmat.

But the worst bit was being woken up three nights in the week in the wee hours of the morning (the first being 3:15am the night before my solo by a bunch of dickhead German backpackers having a foosball tournament in the reception area. I was so angry, I got up in my pjs to go to the reception to ask the front desk to tell them to shut up. The girl just looked at me blankly and said 'What, the TV'. I just said to her 'You are kidding me, right? You can't hear it?'. How bloody rude! And yet, they wouldn't let us put a movie on in the reception at 9pm to watch because of the noise, even though we would have been the only ones that would have been disturbed by it. Grrrr.... The reception staff were completely rude and useless. This happened three times. All it would have taken was a quick word to noisy people but they were just too damn lazy. I had particularly made an effort to tell them when I booked the accommodation that we were competing in a championships but they still put us in the noisiest room anyway. And probably all because someone was incompetent enough to stuff up our booking. The least they could have done is discount the room because of noise, like they had advertised that they did.

They closed the kitchen up at 10:30pm which is ridiculous considering that you could not have food in your rooms. The cleaning staff always seemed to do their cleaning of the kitchen at the busiest time so they just got in your way while you were trying to cook. We had a note left on our food saying 'label your food' to which I wrote back saying 'We already did. Open your eyes!'. It was quite clearly labeled. The kettle went missing on the Saturday morning but noone bothered to replace it the whole time we were there. A Tiffany kettle costs $17.00, the cheaparses. The tea towels were always soaking and the kitchen was so hot sometimes, it was almost unbearable. The microwave leaked (you could feel it cooking your insides if you stood next to it), the toaster burned your food even on the lowest setting and there were never enough cups or plates.

We asked for extra pillows as the ones on the bed were shocking and useless. They told us that they only had two extras but in their window around the corner, they had twenty new pillows on display. One of our party ended up using his quilt as a pillow. We asked for someone to fix our non-working airconditioner only to have the guy say 'I'll be there when I'm not so busy' and then stand around and flirt with some female backpackers for an hour.

We went to wash our clothes on Sunday, only to have the machine refuse to take our coins. One of our party went to get some more washing powder as ours was wasted in the non-working machine. It took him 20 minutes to explain to the clueless girl at reception what the problem was because she was too thick to get the point. And she was Australian. It wasn't like she was a temporary Swedish backpacker. Where do they find these people???

Finally, when we checked out, the girl took back our sheets and keys without even a smile or a thank you for the $1000 we had spent there that week, not to mention all the food and drink we had bought in the bar. The staff were unhelpful, rude and hopeless at their job. The place was overpriced for what it was. It was over-noisy, even for a backpackers and only because the front counter staff didn't do their jobs properly.

And yes, you'll probably say, well, it WAS a backpackers... you can't expect the Hilton. But no, I've stayed in backpackers for half the price that have been absolutely outstanding places to stay. The backpackers that we stayed in Melbourne was two dollars more a night but it was the Ritz in comparison and that was just the service alone. I stayed in a twin room in a backpackers in Launceston for $20 a night and it was better than a motel. We would have got a better sleep in a tent, I reckon, on the banks of the Brisbane river.

One of our party was quite keen to trash the room (you know, prawns in the curtains, if they had had any curtains; sour milk all over the carpet....that kind of thing) on our departure but we didn't for two reasons: One was that they had my credit card details and you know, I reckon they would be low enough to actually debit it without my permission. And the second would be that some poor bastard would have to stay in that room later because they would book it out anyway. The smell would NEVER go away and God forbid the Bunk staff would ever clean it properly. I wouldn't begrudge that on my worst enemy.

May I make a suggestion. Don't stay at Bunk Brisbane, even if you're broke and can't afford anywhere else. Stay in a caravan park if you're looking for accommodation because you'll get better quality there.

Anybody who reviews Bunk Brisbane as fantastic was obviously drunk the whole time they stayed there. And to the people at this hostel, let this be a lesson to you. A happy customer will tell one person. An unhappy one will tell 100.

Nix's Womad Wrap Up 2008

2008-03-31T19:49:00.002+10:30

It had been quite a number of years since I had been to WOMAD for the whole weekend so last year, a friend and I vowed that we would go for the full length in 2008. And so when it came to buying tickets, I was sweating a little.At $200 a ticket, it was not cheap. But after the WOMAD weekend, I am pleased that I sacrified eating for two weeks to afford to go, regardless of the fact that the temperature was in the high 30s for the whole weekend. But I was all ready and prepared to face the nasal onslaught of B.O., incense and wacky tabacki...

Friday night introduced us to the beginning of an array of different musical cultures. The moment we got in the gate, we upheld our tradition of heading straight for the cider tent. After all, it is not WOMAD without the first pint of cider. K said that she needed the first cider in order to relax and not worry about all the things she had possibly forgotten. I just wanted cider, because I'm a pisshead.

Friday night promised us much musical variation. We chose the Joji Hirota Trio first over at the smaller Zoo stage – a Japanese Taiko percussionist trio which was a welcome beginning to the weekend, although it amazes me how physical the performance was still, regardless of the scorching heat, even in the early hours of the evening. They were full of spirit and life, although I'm not sure how that kind of performance could translate itself into a recorded performance. And it always amazes me how those percussionists can keep a steady beat but our concert band drummers can't. Damn drummers....

Following this, we decided to pick up some dinner at the Global Food area and head off to see Beirut, the first of a number of acts pre-planned to see. Beirut presented a miriad of cultures in the one band, the Lebanese influence clear in certain numbers. We were amazed to see just how many instruments one of the performers in this ensemble was able to play – we saw him play clarinet, saxophone, ukelele, euphonium, trumpet and trombone (amongst other instruments that we couldn't see because of people's big fat heads in front of us.

During this performance, we began our long winded search for Edgy's friends who were supposed to be at the same performance, although we were buggered if we could see them. But then again, when you have the instruction “We're sitting about 250m left of the sound booth, near a large tree”, I'm not surprised that we couldn't find them. What?? Trees?? In Botanic Park?? Never!

We decided to get dessert before John Butler Trio began on stage 2 but this turned out to not be the best idea. By the time we had managed to battle the long lines at the global food area, JBT had started and the crowd was MASSIVE. So we decided that it would be smarter to go find a good posi at Clube de Balanco's performance for the next hour. It was there that K decided that she was going to be the biggest nerd in history by blogging from the event, using the WiFi Internet linkup in the park. I thought I was a nerd for blogging at work, let alone at a music festival. :)

After Clube de Balanco, we decided to move over to Stage 1 so we could find a good spot to sit for Mavis Staples, the US soul singer (who I didn't know until a couple of weeks earlier when she was on the TV documentary Soul Deep on the ABC) . I have to say, by this point, I was suffering majorly from hayfever due to the dry grass and massive cloud of dust at stage 1. I was also exhausted, having worked all day in 38 degrees. The funniest part of this performance was hearing her try and pronounce Adelaide. She finally settled on Lemonade when it became too difficult. The crowd, luckily, was a very jovial, light hearted and relaxed one so didn't take it personally. I was beginning to sleep sitting down so I stood up but still couldn't see anything. I am such a short ass. This was the biggest mistake because we decided to walk home after this performance which took a lot longer than anticipated. Unfortunately I had a Witches of Eastwick rehearsal at 9am the next morning so as you can imagine, I was most enthusiastic showing up to that. Probably explains my less than tight playing...

We began our Saturday Womad experience with a spiritual journey through Indian ragas with Manjiri Kelkar. I found it amazing that her sitar player (or some similar instrument) was able to follow her improvised singing directly after she had sung a note, imitating her almost perfectly without written music. It was beautiful. After her understated, personal performance at the Speakers Corner, we travelled around the Global Art and Craft tents where K and Edgy kindly bought a dress for me that I'm not yet able to fit, but I will someday, dammit.

We then sat down on the grass ages away from stage 2 to listen to the Titi Robin Quartet, of which, I'm ashamed to say, I can't remember much. It clearly was not my favourite act as it has not ingrained much in my brain. I was more insistent on mentioning all the fantastic seed pod hats that I kept seeing and trying to convince Edgy that it would be a good couture investment.

We then headed back to the zoo to watch theJoseph Tawadros Trio, an Egyptian oud player with a percussionist and a funk jazz bass player. Very interesting indeed. I felt quite sorry for poor Joseph (without reference to Andrew Lloyd Webber....), though, as his oud kept going out of tune in the extreme heat so he probably had to cut down his set by a couple of numbers just to tune properly.

By now, it was scorchingly hot, so we were making the most of the cool down tent (a marquee with jet streams of water). We were going to watch Kutcha Edwards, for lack of a better option, but we didn't quite get there. Instead we were distracted by the wackiness of the Zic Zazou brass band musicians in a makeshift carousel. They played the most awesome version of my favourite hymn 'Abide with Me' which was like some kind of theme and variations. Their set consisted of hitting the side of the carousel like percussion, dancing around and singing songs like 'Up the Workers' which used every Aussie product icon they could think of in the lyrics. The funniest bit however was when K went up to one of the performers at the end to congratulate them on a great performance and he said to her 'We much prefer orgies”. Ha ha ha....

May I add, we still had not run into Edgy's friends, nor Nads or Anna or Steve, like we had hoped. We had however run into Nat, Big Al's daughter who came to Nationals with us. And we had run into Flexi.
We planned at this point to meet up with Edgy's friends D & D early so that we could have dinner with them. So we headed over to stage 2, determined to get a good position for John Butler Trio. We did. Right in front of the sound booth where we were easily found. Finally Edgy's friends met up with us. As expected, JBT were fantastic, with an amazing solo from the drummer and a gorgeous instrumental of which the name eludes me. But as usual, I couldn't see a bloody thing unless I stood on my real tip toes. But Edgy's friend D could see even less so I had a one up on her.

We then made the added mistake of going back to the Global Food tent where it was crazily busy with everyone deciding to eat at the same time. But the strawberry pancakes were worth the wait.

Later in the evening came the highlight of my weekend, I think. We headed over to the Moreton Bay stage under the plane trees to watch a solo act by Victor Valdes of the Mariachi band. I never thought that Mexican mariachi bands would work with a harp but it did. It was a gorgeous experience full of exuberance and poignancy. I thoroughly enjoyed it, as did the crowd around us. And it was the most friendly experience as well, the people sitting next to us engaging us in conversation (and accidently squirting K in the face...hehehehe) and had cooled down enough to be completely comfortable and relaxing. The amazing part about it was that the majority of his band was missing so it made it all the more enjoyable a performance with the harp playing multiple parts at once. Just beautiful.

Finally, we headed to the Speakers Corner where Nikodemus, the New York DJ, mixed multicultural sounds in a fantastic way. If I wasn't so tired, I would have insisted on staying longer to experience more of it. Paired with the really tasty iced chai and the even tastier guarana chocolate ball, it was a great end to a great day. And I am amazed that K still had the energy to dance heavily after the full day that we had had. But she was as pumped up as the Energizer bunny. I was, on the other hand, stuffed, like a roast rabbit. I was so glad Edgy drove that day. My own private taxi. :)

Sunday, we were luckily a little more energetic, having slept in a little after the night's events. Although we had every intention of getting there for Susanna Baca, it just didn't happen however. Come on, it was Sunday! We got there just before 1pm and completely by chance, ran into Anna and Steve who had got the great posi under some trees for the day. We watched Idan Raichel Project from the comfort of their very large picnic area next to stage 1. We caught up with our friend B and her friend M. It was B's first experience of Womad so I hope this weekend was a positive experience for her, despite the dodgy events that happened later on that night.

Since the Mariachi band were playing in full this time, we opted to go and see them instead of Watussi who also sounded really good. However, I think that the whole band playing made the performance less magical and we were slightly disappointed with the full band, opting to go to Watussi for the rest of their set. Watussi were great, a full energetic combination of rock, funk, afro cuban soul and hip hop. They were similar to many bands that I like and admire so it'll definitely be one band I'll be chasing up further in the future. I might have to spend my $20 voucher on their cd. :) And I might be checking them out if they have a gig when we're in Sydney in 2009.

It was now so hot, it was positively evil. We spent a great deal of time squirting each other with the spray bottle and recovering under the cooling-down tent. It was amusing to see the bog of mud where the water fountain had been (and apparently teenagers had been belly sliding through the mud earlier). We watched Toumani Diabate's Symmetric Orchestra from the comfort of the shade at stage 1, while I recovered from what felt like heat stroke. When we thought we had recovered sufficiently, we headed over to the shade by stage 2 to be treated to a jazz funk experience presented by Billy Cobham and his septet (featuring a saxophone member of the Daly Wilson Big Band). Although slightly lacking in the 'world music' factor, it was nevertheless a treat for lovers of modern jazz. It was dinner time and once again, we battled the crowds to get food.

The fact that the Samba Parade (featuring the familiar faces of the Billy Hyde Raider drummers that I know) went through just as we headed over to the All Star Gala didn't help my excruciating headache. I was actually quite disappointed with the All Star Gala – the best part of it was the part I had already seen. The immense skill and energy of the Joji Hirota was the only really impressive part of the gala. It was suggested by Edgy that the All Star Gala should be at the beginning of the event so you get a glimpse of what is to come and what you might like to experience in full at the festival. I totally agree. All that the All Star Gala achieved was to give people a taste of what, in a lot of cases, they had missed.

I was pleased, however, that my Sunday experience dramatically improved with my other highlight of the festival: The Terem Quartet. Consisting of an accordion, two lutes and a contra bass balalaika, the quartet were full of humour, energy and extremely impressive musicianship. They took us on a journey of Russian folk music, interspersed with humorous renditions of Bach's Toccata and Fugue and Lalo Schifrin's Mission: Impossible. The contrabass balalaika was incredible to watch and the quartet performed with tongue-in-cheek verve. They deserved the standing ovation that they received both for their music, their wacky costumes and the accordion player's funny hair.

As we returned from the Terem Quartet, I was amazed to see the massive energised crowd screaming for David D'Or on stage 1, who was entertaining the crowd with a pure Eurovision-esque performance. In hindsight, it would have been interesting to watch him earlier on in the festival but oh well, you can't watch it all. In amongst drunk dancing revellers, we took photos of the incredible work of the French pyros who decorated the Eastern part of the park with fireballs, engraved pipes and what looked to me like burning crosses. :/ When I grow up, I wanna be an arsonist like them.

We sat down at stage 3 to watch Cesaria Evora's band who were a bunch of troopers playing without their leading lady (who was in hospital in Sydney suffering from a mild stroke – I hope she has recovered okay). Despite missing their singer, the band played with great skill and musicianship, replacing the vocal line with a soprano saxophone. I thoroughly enjoyed their performance and will probably investigate a recording of this ensemble also. We then headed back via a much needed coffee fix (which I might add, succumbed to the same opinion of coffee retailers as I mentioned in my last blog post about the presence of 'large and jumbo' cups.) to the 'home base' where Anna and Steve were to get a comfortable position for Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Very Tower of Power-esque, the band were kick arse, only highlighted by the diva's presence. The crowd were very demanding of an encore but they sadly didn't get one as the band refused to reappear.

We trekked all the way to Speakers Corner to get some more iced chai for the final performance of the evening and the one I had been looking forward to: The Tibetan Monks. In 2001, I remember falling asleep to the harmonic singing as it echoed through the park air. It was beautiful.

However, several things changed this year. The first was that the beginning piece that Tenzin Choegyal and his monks performed used this kind of weird alp-horn like instrument that, I'm sorry to say, sounded quite dubious. I made the error of saying to K that one of the monks had clearly had a bad curry and it was called vindaloo for a reason. Well, that set her off pissing herself laughing and then, of course, every time it sounded, we were both in hysterics. Then, in addition, we had this guy behind us who insisted on squirting his spray bottle continually throughout the calming performance. I felt like turning around and shooting a jet stream directly in his face. But it was nevertheless a spiritual moving performance, despite these things. And was I pleased to get the damn wristicket band off my wrist!

And B, I hope you have recovered sufficiently from your nasty bout of asthma after the festival of dust and it hasn't prevented you from wanting to experience the festival next year. It would be a shame for you to miss out for that...

All in all, what makes WOMADelaide so special is that the crowds of people are amazingly relaxed, jovial and everyone is kind to everybody else. This woman who complained rudely about the food at the Indian curry place on Friday night should have been punched in the face by me – she has missed what the festival is all about. It s about cooperation ,acceptance, tolerance and world culture. Not about how a butter chicken recipe from a portable food outlet wasn't to her specifications, the stupid bitch. But she was a rarity.

It was a scorching weekend all three days and noone cared. People were dancing, screaming, jumping around and it still sold out. The park was a ball of dust, dry grass and tobacco enough to set anyone off sneezing. But noone cared.

Everybody is there purely for the music, not to cause trouble or fight or push people around. Noone complains and everyone prepares ahead of time, being sensible with sunscreen and plenty of water. SA Police and St John had hardly any real problems and that is almost unheard of in festivals. There is a remarkable lack of police (probably due to the fact that there was only one donut retailer) but there is an acceptable reason for it. Noone causes any trouble. Everyone is happy and co-operative. And always have been in the history of the festival. It is a wonderful atmosphere filled with culture and experience, a great place for young and old alike. I encourage anyone who has not experienced the festival to do their absolute best to get a ticket for next year's festival.

Even if it's just to get a fantastic pointy seed pod hat I finally got.

Best hat ever!

Nix's Whinge-A-Thon 2008

2008-03-03T14:17:00.005+10:30

I've decided to get this all off my chest all in one go!

These are my pet peeves for 2008.

1. Teenage service attendants. Back in high school, I worked my ass off to try and get a part-time job, only to be turned down time and time again by the managers of McDonalds, Subway, Hungry Jacks, Crazy Horse..... I was a smart kid. I got good grades, had a good work ethic, I could articulate well enough and was well presented. But I never got past an interview.

But still, these days, it shits me to tears that I go into a supermarket and when I get to the counter, the 12 year old serving me says 'Hi, how are you?' WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP AT ME! GRRRR! I am so sick of the phony politeness that they are forced to do by their trainers, laced with insincerity. And I am fed up of having to repeat everything I say because they haven't listened the first time (even though it was them who asked the same written-out questions they ask everyone). There are so many people out there who are struggling to find work (adults particularly) who never get these jobs because the inarticulate morons they hire are cheaper to pay.

A fellow con student (who shall remain nameless) said to me a while back that at her franchised workplace, she is polite to the customers right up until about 4:45pm because it's the end of the day and then she just wants to go home because she's tired. I'm sorry but that pisses me off. The customer at 2 minutes to 5pm is just as important as the customer at 9am or at 1:30pm. Don't they teach that when they train their staff??????

The majority of teenage service attendants are rude, insincere and act like they don't want to be there. And yet, me, a willing polite and efficient kid, never got those jobs. It makes me angry. I stopped off at McDonalds a while back at Collinswood where this young girl served me at the drive through. She was gorgeous - she greeted me with a massive smile, got my order right without me having to repeat myself and was genuinely polite and helpful. What time was it, you might ask?

It was 3am. I felt like sending her a big bunch of flowers for being the first teenager to be polite to me ever in a fast food drive through.

2. Fast food restaurant lingo. Billy Connelly once said that it pisses him off when McDonalds won't understand that you want a chicken burger unless there's a Mc in front of it. He basically goes 'How about I stick a McFork in your McFucking McEyeball?'

Ay ay to that. The other morning, I stopped off at a BP On the Run to grab a coffee before work. I went up to the counter and ordered a large latte. Pretty simple order. And the girl looked at me blankly and said 'What size?'. So I said, "uh, the largest one". and she says "Do you mean the grande or the max"? I said to her, "the largest one". And it still took her 2 minutes to work it out. And even then, as she grabbed the wrong sized cup, I had to correct her.

Since when has 'small, medium, large and extra-large' become difficult to understand? Why the f**k do coffee franchises and fast food restaurants change the standard names on their products to make it difficult for their customers to order anything. They just DON'T understand if you don't order it in their stupid '"El Smallo, Regulatory and Gargantuan". I order a large latte just simply because it's even harder to order a medium one. I'm waiting for the day they name the size of the cups the same way they label tampons 'Mini, Regular and Super'.

3. People who mispronounce words (either deliberately or accidently). The use of the English language has become so lazy these days. If I hear one more person that says 'appree SEE ate' instead of appreeSHEEate', I will scream!!!!!! It gets my hackles up big time. That goes for 'vi-tamins' instead of VY-tamines. And HA-rassment instead of ha-RASS-ment.

South Australia is fast becoming New South Wales in their increasingly lazy pronunciation. We are fast becoming the state of 'Skew-uls' (instead of Skool) and 'Grafs' (instead of Grah-fs) and 'Ca-sel' (instead of Cah-sel). Oh and don't even get me started on people who say 'be-corrrs' instead of 'be-coz'.

4. People who diss Adelaide. The Adelaide vs Melbourne debate has been on everybody's lips lately. But have you noticed that there are no born-and-bred South Aussies dissing Adelaide? The only ones who are criticising Adelaide are people who have left our state now or have moved here from the eastern states. So all this stuff about how even South Aussies are criticising Adelaide is a load of bollocks. The majority of Adelaideans love Adelaide. They choose to live here because its a great city. It may not be the entertainment central of Australia or a great leader in innovation, architecture and business. But that's what makes it great. It's a sleepy little town that's friendly, warm and inviting.

It's the fact that we can walk from one side of the CBD to the other in 10 minutes. It's the fact that we don't have to pay $10 to get on public transport each day. It's the fact that visitors arrive through the Adelaide hills when driving in from Melbourne or Sydney- sure beats the shit heap that is Deer Park.

It's the fact that we don't have to buy interstate wine to get a nice drop to have with our dinner. It's the fact that the skyline hasn't been tainted yet by the ugliness of high rises. I don't live here because I want us to be a state that's moving forward in business, innovation and tourism. I live here because its my home and I never feel like I'm being overwhelmed by bustle and the architectural equivalent of a wet fart.

As far as I'm concerned, the people who don't like Adelaide can fuck off and stay away. Those who live here now (that were originally from other states) can go back where they came from and leave those of us who love our little city in peace.

5. Unqualified or illeducated instrumental music teachers. People who are attempting to make money out of teaching instruments, regardless of whether they are qualified to do so, really piss me off. I am so sick and tired of correcting terrible technique because the teachers my students have come from have not taught them the right way. There are generations of people who think that just because they can get a note out of the instrument, that gives them the skill to teach. WRONG! All it does is frustrate the students who, for the rest of their playing lives, struggle with certain things due to poor technique. Some just simply give up because it's all too hard for them to get over. Others unfortunately become teachers too and pass their bad habits on to their students.

I had a mature age student a while back who I charged $20 per half hour to teach. This is a standard rate - if not, a bit under the going rate these days. One day, suddenly, he said to me, I'm gonna learn from a lady next door who charges $10 a lesson. I asked him if she was a qualified teacher or a professional player. He said 'no, she was just a lady who had played clarinet for a while'. I later found out that the teacher he had gone to was a woman in a band that I had played in who had some of the worst technical habits I had ever seen. I just felt quite despondent that I was losing a good capable student to a woman who was, no doubt, going to destroy his potential. And all for the sake of $10. Besides the fact that people like that, giving substandard tuition, make it twice as hard for us qualified teachers to make a living because they are taking all our students by charging half our rate.

6. The Clipsal 500 and the dickhead drivers that it produces. This basically applies to anyone driving a Holden or Ford V6 and highter or turbo charged Nissan.

The Clipsal 500 is the bane of my existence. In addition to causing no end of traffic jams in the eastern suburbs (for which the residents should be compensated in their council rates), in turn causing a mass increase in greenhouse gases from idling cars, it produces a multitude of extra wankers on the road. The Clipsal 500 encourages every idiot with a V6 or higher to imitate the people they've just seen on the track for the next month. I am scared to be on the road in March for fear of being wiped out by some testosterone-charged bastard with a licence and a high powered (and might I add, ordinary) car.

The one major problem with working in the northern/north eastern suburbs are the dickhead drivers I face everyday. The other day I was driving in an 80 zone towards Mawson Lakes and this dangerous prick drove up behind me, got within 2 metres of me before changing lanes and sped past me at double my speed. When he went to cut in front of me, he lost control and spun out, narrowly missing me by a metre or so, before ending up on the side of the road next to me. I almost had a heart attack. If he had hit me, I would have been wiped out completely - my life would have been over. All because this fuckwit decided to exert his driving authority over me. I was so angry that I felt myself wishing that he'd rolled his car into a tree.

I am so sick of wankers in Commodores tailgating me all the time. The problem is, even if they don't change lanes to pass me, they sit behind so close that I find myself having to speed in order to get a safe distance away from them. Where the friggin' hell are the cops?????? I have yet to see a single police car monitoring this on the stretch between Montague Road and Mawson Lakes Boulevard. And yet, the radars are unfairly positioned 2 metres into the 60 zone as it drops from 80 at the tollgate on the South Eastern freeway, where drivers struggle to get their speed down enough without wearing out their brakes. Where's the equality?

Why the hell do we need cars that can go 200 kmph when the maximum speed is 110 anywhere in South Australia? Cars should be made to be speed limited by law. And no person under the age of 25 should be allowed the privilege of a high powered car of any sort (and not be allowed to travel with more than one passenger under the age of 25 also).

7. The fact that concert bands in Australia get no support. Basically, concert bands are treated like crap in Australia. We live in a very brass band orientated community and so those of us that play saxophone, clarinet, flute, oboe and bassoon, have very little opportunity for a musical outlet. The fact that there are 12 people in TOTAL in the concert solos this year in Brisbane is shameful (particularly since at least 2 of those are brass players). I am taking 3 days off work to compete against myself. How unfair is that? Where is the support and encouragement for concert bands? The possibilities that a concert band presents are much more versatile than a brass band (as much as I love the brass band sound). It is very different, rich in timbres and much easier to play a more versatile program.

If this was the US, it wouldn't be the case as there is a very large band community in the states but here, it's virtually non-existent. I'm worried that I will have to move interstate even to play for fun soon because the South Australian concert band community is struggling to maintain a decent standard.

Let's give some more support to our woodwind players who quite often present as high a standard of performance as brass players.

8. Rich people who assume that everyone is exactly like them. I have never had much money. Ever. We were always struggling as a family and now as I am independent, that is still the case. I work my ass off for much less than someone else doing the same hours (I can think of a few friends who are a good example of the latter). It's extremely frustrating. But what is more frustrating is the people who just assume that they are the most important thing to be paid and take no consideration to the fact that maybe they are not my highest priority. Take for example, the bank.

I hate the bank I'm with. I have been increasingly more disappointed with the substandard service they are offering their customers. And this last incident has taken the cake for me and has forced me to make the decision to move my money elsewhere after 29 years.

I have two accounts. One was overdrawn by $137. The other account - my business account - had over a thousand. On Monday last week, I transferred the thousand into another investment account with another financial institution. But of course, it doesn't happen for a day or so. So I was assuming the next morning that I would have $55 in the account still to pay for the petrol I put in my car. But no, my account bounced when I tried to pay for the petrol. How humiliating. So I left my mobile phone there as collateral and went to work. I called the bank and they told me that because one of my accounts was overdrawn, they had taken $137 out of my business account to pay the debt. So this had now overdrawn my business account by $80 (because of the $1000 that had come out at the same time).

Well I, to put it mildly, spat the dummy. How dare they take money out of an account that has nothing to do with the overdrawn one. Just because it's with the same bank doesn't give them the right to steal money out my account. Anyway, the collections guy I talked to at the bank recognised that what they had done was illegal and transferred $137 back into my business account.

Three days later I got home to find a letter stating that I had been charged a $38 fee for overdrawing that account. And it has now taken almost a week and I still have not been reimbursed for that money. How the HELL can they get away with this stuff? My account was NEVER overdrawn. There is no record of an overdrawn account on my transaction list and surely if they override their decision, the fees should be overriden too as it was not my fault. I'm so fed up. What makes them think that they are the most important people that I need to pay. They have received literally hundreds of dollars from me in the last couple of years in fees and charges. I have rent, electricity, food to buy. How dare they? So all because they decided to break the law, they've just lost a customer that has been with them since she was born. I've had enough.

Anyway, that's enough whinging for one day. Phew!

Nix's Top 15 Most Irritating Songs. Ever.

2008-01-24T10:56:00.000+10:30

This is in no particular order…since they’re equally awful in so many ways.

1. No-one – Alicia Keys. I hate songs that sound like the singer is pushing out a turd as they sing. That crack in her voice as she whines drives me insane. And in the now 3 weeks since I’ve been in this temp assignment, I’ve had to listen to it three times a day. And why the hell does she have to end every friggin’ phrase on the same note!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

2. Punk Rocker – Sandi Thom. Is it just me or is someone else annoyed that she speaks of punk rockers with “flowers in her hair”. Since when do punk rockers wear flowers in their hair?????? More like pins in their nose and Mohawks!!! She’s got the wrong era!!!!!!!! It annoys the crap out of me that she made millions out of a mediocre hit when she doesn’t even know anything about the music era. Dumbass.

3. Love Generation – Bob Sinclair. Mmmmm, don’t even get me started on the whistling song. This rates about as highly as the crazy frog song for me.

4. I Never Liked You – The Rogue Traders. When is someone gonna tell Natalie Bassingthwaite that she CAN’T SING FOR SHIT!!!!!! She sounds like Malibu Stacey in this song. And I don’t think it’s deliberate. I hate her so much. She’s an airhead bimbo masquerading as a ‘tough broad’. I have earwax with more talent.

5. Beautiful Girls – Sean Kingston. He’s taken a great bassline by Leiber and Stoller (Stand By Me) and put his RIDICULOUS lyrics on the top, with that horrible repeat of ‘in denial, in denial’. It makes me want to rip off my arm and whack myself over the head with it repeatedly.

6. Me Love – Sean Kingston. The lyrics go “Oh oh oh oh oh oh, why’d you have to go-oh away from home, me love”. Why???? Because you’re a dickhead, you’re embarrassing and untalented. Get over it!

7. The Rose – Bette Midler. One of the worst songs ever written. It has painfully bad lyrics, a juvenile melody and we all know what I think of the ‘less than divine Miss M’.

8. Big Big World – Emilia. Do you guys remember that song? It literally sounded like a nursery rhyme. She couldn’t sing. She sounded like a 4 year old. The song was shit. Name one thing that made this good! And yet she made money on it.

9. Straight Line – silverchair. I usually have a lot of respect for the Newcastle boys. But this song is like pulling teeth. It’s okay until he trys to ‘rock out’ by putting the chorus up an octave. UGHHHHH! The hairs on my arm stand up every time. And not in a good way. I hate it so much.

10. My Humps – Black Eyed Peas. That band has some fantastic hits and some even more spectacular misses. This is one of the misses. What the hell were they thinking? Why do they have to glorify people checking out girl’s tits and ass? Fergie sets back women’s lib 50 years!

11. Spank – Dirty South feat Boogie Fresh. This song is irritating and offensive. “Don’t matter if you can’t dance, just make that ass bounce, just shake what your daddy gave ya. Gonna make you spank.”
If we buy these singles, we’re basically telling them it’s okay to objectify women. And who let that untalented moron in the recording studio in the first place. The way he speaks the verses makes me want to stab him with a pencil.

12. Can’t Get You Outta My Head – Kylie. Most post 90s Kylie songs will make this list, actually, but this one is a particular ‘highlight’. What I hate the most about Kylie is the fact that noone has picked up that she’s a nostril singer! She sings through her nose, dammit. She’s so nasal and whiny. Why has noone noticed? At least pre-millenium, you could excuse her for being young. But what the hell is her excuse now?????!!!!

13. My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion. Or should I say ‘My Heart Will Go On and On and On and On...’. I lost all respect for James Horner after this song. Paired with the fact that this was the theme tune to one of the worst movies ever made, it’s a double whammy.

14. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. I loved Gwen Stefani. Once. I was very upset when she released this. No Doubt were a great ska band. Then she comes out with this piece of excrement. The worst bit about it is that the school I work out let underage students wearing hardly anything perform a cheerleading routine to this at a school concert. I was a hair’s breadth away from ripping my teeth out.

15. Get The Party Started – Pink. I’d admit it…. Pink was on the right track. I actually owned a Pink album once. She’s a smart girl. But what spectacular head injury/neurological collapse/drug induced coma caused her to do this song. It’s so unspeakably awful and horribly irritating, I want to stick pins in my eyes. And for more than one reason. I saw a 60 year old skank perform this at a karaoke bar. How dare Pink inflict that on me?

**Amendment to post - I would just like to add that if I hear one more song where the singer says "buh-lieve" instead of "be-lieve", I will go on a psychotic rampage, I swear! Delta will be first!

The day our balls got polished

2007-12-29T12:54:00.000+10:30

I am a true South Australian. I take pride in the quirks of our state. And I was pretty distraught to go into Rundle Mall a few months ago and discover that someone had taken our balls. To have them polished. I thought they were gone forever. The mall's balls are a true South Australian icon. And so I was relieved to see them back - polished in their wonderful glory.

To be a genuine Adelaidean, you have to take pride in the eccentricities of our humble little city. Do you know ANYONE who hasn't tried to 'ride' the bronze pigs? I have several inebriated photos of people (who shall remain nameless) mounting the pig that is scavenging in the fake bin.

And who hasn't organised to meet people at the mall's balls? Or Darryl Lea.? Or Pulteney Street Hungry Jacks as a pre-binge drinking hotspot (and visited the same Hungry Jacks at 4am when there is nothing else open)?

Adelaide is full of wonderful crazy nutters who, in other states, would be avoided like the plague. After all, what kind of a city would not only revere a guy who has a penchant for hula hoops, gumboots, lycra tights and speedosbut actually remember his name? He is FAMOUS in other states now because those non-Adelaidean celebrities are fascinated by the man we all call..... Johnny Haysman.And how about the little man who plays keyboard (and most recently, a kiddie xylophone) on Rundle Street (and sometimes outside the Myer Centre)? A few years back, a friend of a friend actually got him to pose for a photo but I never got a copy. You'd think after decades of practicing and playing, this little keyboard 'prodigy' would get better, wouldn't you? But he hasn't improved musically at all. There goes my hope of getting my students to practice.

And what about the man who used to sing light opera in a stripy red and white suit and boater. Or the man with the top hat and skinny jeans?

Only in Adelaide do people actually buy wedding cakes made out of Balfours Frog Cakes.

Only Adelaideans actually eat a meat pie drowned in pea soup. (Hands up who misses the Balfours Pie Cart outside the casino....).

Only Adelaideans like my drunken sister would actually approach the crazy man who collected cans in Rundle Mall and tell him that he changed her life (because he sang the wrong words in Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head when she was a tiddler). We called him 'The Man With The Cans'. Since then, he has disappeared off the face of the earth.

Only Adelaideans can claim the 1 degree of separation between other Adelaideans. I don't think I've ever gone anywhere and not met up with someone who knows someone I know through weird connections. Only in Adelaide can you claim that you had a brush with fame because you bumped into Helen from Designer Direct. And I don't think there is a South Australian around that doesn't want to go looking for the fucking annoying guy and girl from the Cafe Primo ads to tell them they're wankers.

Noone in Adelaide actually wanted to go to the Grand Prix but we're damned if we're gonna forgive Melbourne for taking it from us. In fact, any excuse to bag Victoria is a good one. And I'm sorry, but SA beer is so much better than Victoria beer. VB: What beer would taste like if your butt had a spout?

I'm feeling full of South Aussie pride just thinking about all this. Adelaide is a great city.

We have balls.

Jingle All The Fucking Way

2007-12-27T11:38:00.001+10:30

Nix's Christmas Rap....

Yo, all my homies....listen out! Put your hands up in the air.....

.....if you were disappointed with the Christmas crackers this year.

STOP! Hammertime!

Now you're probably thinking that I'm on crack right now but yes, I was gonna write a rap. But I couldn't find a rhyme for incompetent christmas cracker manufacturer pricks. So that was the end of that.

It is a tradition in the Molloy family household to wear the ridiculous paper hats and read the unspeakably awful jokes out of the Christmas crackers. (We've already lost all hope years ago for the little toy in the Christmas cracker, although we were concerned this year that it was rigged. My nan got a full Snakes and Ladders game whilst I got a plastic Stegasauras. That did nothing. It could have at least rattled).

Anyway, excitement was in the air. I was the first to pull my cracker (actually, let me rephrase that....that sounds slightly off.....)....I was the first to open the cracker. And you could have cut the anticipation with a knife. I pulled out the little piece of paper that usually holds the comedic gold and.......

WHOP! It hit me. There were no jokes. There were quotes. And not good ones too. NO JOKES!!!!! I have such fond memories of jokes like "What's big, grey and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant." I was so looking forward to: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

But nothing. My Christmas was ruined.

I'm writing a stern letter to the christmas cracker people. Cos it's just not on.

Please please please post your Christmas cracker jokes on here or on Facebook. Cos I'm feeling like cancelling future Christmases.

I wanna be like Mike (from Monsters Inc, that is)

2007-12-05T18:00:00.000+10:30

WHAT ANIMATED FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU LOOK LIKE?

Have you ever noticed how the woman out of the Profix ad looks EXACTLY like Falcor, the Luck Dragon, out of Neverending Story?

She has the same flared nostrils, I swear to God!!!

I tried to get a photo of her to show you but I guess she's just not famous enough to come up in Google images. Anyone got any suggestions cos I could put her next to Falcor the Luck Dragon and you can see!

And it got me thinking...I reckon everyone has their own animated/puppet double.

For example:

Kim Clijsters looks exactly like..........Princess Fiona in Shrek (the ogre Fiona, not the pretty one)

Kevin Rudd looks like Butters from South Park or Dr Bunsen Honeydew from The Muppet Show

John Howard looks like Mr Sheen or Penfold from Danger Mouse.

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like Herman Munster

Animated or otherwise, George W Bush looks like a chimp.

I wanna find my fictional character. Which character do I look like, people? And please don't say Shrek. :)

The World's Stupidest Lyrics are here!

2007-11-29T12:48:00.000+10:30

I was listening to 891 the other afternoon and they played Elinor by The Turtles. That song never ceases to crack me up. The lyrics are so appallingly bad, it's almost endearing. But that's not to say that all songs are that cute.

Elinor - The Turtles

Elinor, gee I think you're swell
And you really do me well
You're my pride and joy, etcetera...

Etcetera???!!! Are they serious????

McCarthur Park

Someone left the cake out in the rain...
I don't think I can take it, cos it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again....oh noooooooooooooo!

All I can say is I'm so pleased this song was actually a joke. Cos if he was serious, I'd be very concerned.

One of Us - Joan Osbourne

If God had a face, what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home
He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

Do you think Joan Osbourne might have owned a rhyming dictionary? This makes me cringe!

Des'ree - Life

I don't want to see a ghost,
It's the sight that I fear most,
I'd rather have a piece of toast,
And watch the evening news

I think this one takes the accolades for the worst ever!

Ode To Press Gang

2007-10-30T16:13:00.000+10:30

This is the best show ever! I've been reliving my childhood on a loop for the last 3 months. This is such a clever show for a little British kid's programme. Steven Moffatt has since then sold his soul by writing 'Couplings' which has never equalled Press Gang's wit and vibrancy. This show also launched the careers of quite a few cast members: Julia Sawalha (later seen as Saffy in Absolutely Fabulous, as well as in Jonathon Creek and as the lead voice in Chicken Run). Dexter Fletcher (who went on to Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels....using his OWN voice, not the slightly-off American one) and Gabrielle Anwar (who was the woman whose scent it was in Scent of A Woman as well as that really bad movie The Concierge with Michael J Fox).

This show reminds me of when I was a kid and how obsessed I was with this. I wasn't much younger than some of the kids in it and so it came at a pretty good time for me. It was nice to watch a kid's show with a little bit more intelligence. I'm surprised I didn't become a journalist after watching it. I loved Spike (I used to think he was so adorable - now he just appears to have been a cute kid with funny lips doing a rather half-assed American accent) and the dialogue he got to spew. Lynda reminded me of myself - rather bossy and short-tempered - which is probably why I liked the show. He he....

My favourite episodes are:

The one where Spike is trapped under the collapsed building

The one on "Crazy Stuff", the TV show where Spike 'surprises'

Lynda. I remember Holly being able to quote this in high school.

The one with the crazed hostage taker in the clown's mask

(that one was a two parter)

The one where Lynda gets locked in a vault.

And I've got Edgy addicted to it too. :) He doesn't want to admit it though. He he.

Nicky's List of Movie Scenes that are FULLY SIK! Part 2

2007-10-23T14:01:00.000+09:30

Continuing on from my last movie scene post....

1. There's this scene in The Truth about Cats and Dogs when Janeanne Garofalo and Uma Thurman are talking while walking down the street and Janeanne Garofalo goes "I don't expect you to understand this....You burp and guys think it's adorable; you puke and they line up to hold your hair back" and Uma Thurman says "I can tell you for a FACT that that's not true". And just as she says that, a guy rides past, gets distracted by Uma Thurman, tries to impress her by one-wheeling his bike and almost hits a car. It's a CACK. :)

2. The opening 20 minutes or so from Speed is one of the most tense movie moments I've ever experienced. I get rather claustrophobic so the mere thought of an elevator dropping is terrifying to me. The whole bit where it keeps dropping inch by inch as they are trying to get the people out had me on the edge of my seat....I know I know, it's pathetic. :)

3. The worst line ever spoken in a recent movie (I'm not saying it's the worst ever because I think Plan 9 From Outer Space takes that accolade) HAS to be the one spoken by Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It's one of his first lines in the movie (if not the first) and it is "This is English courage" in the twangiest American accent imaginable. Every time I hear it, I cringe. It's really funny....you should check it out.

4. The scene in Star Wars when the storm trooper hits his head. Need I say more?

5. The accolades for the best line in a movie for me has to go to Cher as Alexandra Medford in The Witches of Eastwick. It's spoken to Jack Nicholson and goes like this:

"I think....no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time that we've been together, you have displayed every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensive, vulgar, insensititive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humour and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick...."

OUCH!!!! :)

Oh dear! Someone needs to go back to school...

2007-09-19T15:12:00.000+09:30

****EDIT - Would you believe it? I went into the same place today and they had changed the little tag next to the cake. It now reads "Kitchena Bun". Unbelievable. He he. Unfortunately I couldn't get any photographic evidence this time. They were watching me like hawks. :D

Take a look at the little tag for this cake. Whoever does the food signs at Michel's Patisserie in Mawson Lakes is a dumbass! He he...you should have seen me try to take this photo discreetly :)

A Feast For The Senses

2007-09-05T15:11:00.001+09:30

It's just all about me, didn't you know! :)

FAVE SMELLS:

1. Popcorn
2. Brewing coffee
3. Freshly baked bread
4. The earth just before rain
5. Vanilla and cinnamon body wash

WORST SMELLS:

1. Mushrooms
2. Vomit
3. Year 8 boys and their stinky B.O. Hello????? Deodorant???!!!!
4. Kelly's feet (I have never smelled anything quite as pungent as her shoes at band camp)
5. My brother's bedroom (a mixture of dirty shoes, drool on his pillow and cat urine from the years he had the cat litter tray in the corner on the carpet)

FAVE SOUNDS (not counting music, of course):

1. A cat's purr (preferably Toots' tractor noises instead of Mo's snuffle)
2. A baby giggling or perhaps, a chipmunk giggling.
3. Magpie bird song
4. The gentle chugg chugg of Helga when she's actually running.
5. Two notes when played in tune by me and one of my year 8 students. :)

WORST SOUNDS:

1. The one my mother makes when she's eating cornflakes with very little milk
2. Stupid modified cars doing burnouts outside mum's house.
3. Beginner violin students
4. People who speak as if every sentence is a question.
5. My mother singing so softly that all you can hear is the whistling sound of her "s's"

FAVE TASTES:

1. Chocolate
2. Coffee
3. Cheese (of the non-blue variety)
4. Pig products (ie Ham, bacon, pork....drool)
5. Garlic

WORST TASTES:

1. Mushrooms
2. Tuna
3. Pineapple
4. Oysters
5. Bile

FAVE SIGHTS

1. A dog and a cat curled up asleep together
2. A bullfighter getting gored by the bull he's trying to kill
3. Police officers eating donuts
4. Jude Law
5. Gawky teenage boys running to catch buses
6. 'For-Sale' ads that say "Wedding Dress - never worn."

WORST SIGHTS

1. Big girls sporting plumbers' cracks.
2. Animal cruelty
3. The monstrosity that is Federation Square. Hello?? Taste?? Whatever happened to taste??
4. Bad teeth
5. People who wear beige and grey together.
6. Italian cement gardens with fruit trees

FAVE THINGS TO TOUCH

1. A cat's soft fur
2. Polar fleece
3. Bubble wrap
4. Dry leaves that disintegrate in your hand
5. Velvet

WORST THINGS TO TOUCH

1. Dog poo
2. Cacti
3. Giant hairy spiders
4. Jelly
5. Raw chicken

Update - IMS

2007-08-31T11:59:00.000+09:30

According to the latest news, the rally at the Capri theatre worked somewhat. The State Government have scrapped the stupid idea for 2008 at least. They're only looking for a couple of volunteer schools to trial a new system (and they probably won't get that either). At least a year bides some time to drill some sense into their heads! :)

Nix. Over and out.

A very serious issue

2007-08-15T09:53:00.000+09:30

SAVE THE I.M.S.

For once I am going to be serious.

For those who haven't yet heard the proposed "re-evaluation" (SA Govt code for 'destruction') of the Instrumental Music Service, here's the lowdown:

In short, the previous Instrumental Music service provided to the public school service allows 9000 children in 350 schools across the state to receive free small group or individual tuition on a musical instrument of their choices up until Year 12. This includes services to country areas and in areas where perhaps, parents are unable to afford private tuition. The children were able to choose whether or not they learned an instrument and they could choose WHICH instrument they would like to learn, with expert guidance as to which instrument was better suited to them.
However, after the government's review of music education recently, this is the ill-informed crap that Jane Lomax Smith and the unsympathetic beaurocrats at DECS have decided for 9000 children for 2008.

The New DECS Music Service

Early Years – R - 4 Creating Opportunities through building capacity
• DECS will support the delivery of holistic classroom music programs in the early years through a trial of good practice and Professional Development support in music education for teachers R-4.

Year 5 - Creating Opportunities through equal access to instrumental tuition
• DECS will provide the opportunity for every year 5 student to learn a musical instrument in class groups. This ‘whole-class’ model will be rolled out into primary schools over the next five years.
• Music Service teachers will work with class teachers in a team teaching model to deliver instrumental instruction to whole classes in the same instrument, like-instrument (e.g. brass) or mixed instrument classes.
• IMS staff will be invited to express interest in teaching the first stage of the Creating Opportunities roll out.

Years 6-7
• Following whole class tuition in year 5, DECS will provide the opportunity for years 6 - 7 students, interested in continuing to learn an instrument, to do so through instruction in groups/ensembles of approximately 15 students.

Years 8-12
• All schools with secondary enrolments will receive 1.5 hours of ensemble tuition.
• Seventy scholarships will be offered to particularly talented country secondary students to enable individual or small group instruction.
• The four metropolitan Special Interest Music Centres will continue to receive support from the DECS Music Service

DECS Music Service Teacher location
• All Instrumental teachers will be based in schools with primary enrolments (one teacher per school) from the start of 2008 and will travel to deliver services to a cluster of adjacent schools.
• Teachers who are currently appointed part-time to a school and part time to the IMS will remain based at their present school.
• School principals will be the day-to-day line managers for Music Service teachers.
• Music Service management will remain responsible for appointment, deployment, lesson allocations, student data, music professional development, instrumental music teaching methodology, curriculum development and matters involving non-school expenditure.
• Expressions of Interest will be sought from principals in hosting a music service teacher.
• Music Service staff will be matched to schools/clusters, requiring their expertise.
• The base school will be no more than 45km (metro) or 70km (country) from a teacher’s home.
• No decision has been taken re the future of the Klemzig and Dover Gardens offices. Appropriate discussions will need to occur.

Professional Development
• Professional development will be provided to assist staff through the transition to whole-class/large group tuition.

Current IMS Programs and Transition
• Small group tuition will be phased out from all schools.
• To accommodate the new initiatives, allocations to current primary and secondary IMS programs will be reduced by approximately 20% per annum each year for five years, commencing in 2008.
• Current students will continue to receive small group tuition through to year 12, if required.
• The only intake of beginner students will be in year 5.
• HUBS and PODS will have no new students in 2008. Continuing students will continue to receive tuition in ensembles.

Why this is a stupid idea and will NOT WORK!

I am a woodwind musician and an instrumental music teacher (in the private sector) who benefited from the IMS in public school system in the early 1990s. My parents could NOT AFFORD private tuition and my primary school did not offer music as a specialised subject. I had to wait until I was twelve until I could get free lessons at high school. If it wasn't for this, I would be probably a factory worker now. I have since then undertaken an honours degree in music performance and have performed in many ensembles of both a professional and community nature.

Music is an amazing tool of expression, and instrumental music is a perfect way for children to gain confidence, learn about perseverance, make friends and above all, experience the joy of music. This idea is, to put it simply, LUDICROUS.

Everyone who knows even the most minute detail about music knows that individual or specialised attention is required for any child or adult to learn a musical instrument. As one guest speaker said at the rally yesterday, "you wouldn't expect someone to learn to drive a car in groups of 30." Imagine this......30 kids forced to learn an instrument that they don't like, or even worse, doesn't suit them physically, in one class.

Imagine the lack of discipline, the noise, the horrible tuning of 30 beginner Year 5 violin students playing at once (or worst still, 30 trumpet players). It's hard enough to keep 2 chatty kids concentrating, let alone 30. Music is a specialised subject. This government wouldn't expect children to be forced to play basketball for a year if it didn't suit them physically or if they hated it. Why is this ANY DIFFERENT? .

And those children to whom the instrument is suited will receive less than adequate tuition and will probably lose interest in the music programme. Those children with talent or dedication will not be able to advance as they should because they will be lumbered with children who aren't as gifted, interested or dedicated to the instrument. Children learn at vastly different rates. You can't expect children to read music, to produce equal tones on the instrument, to be able to play the same piece of music together at the same level. I currently have five Year 8 students that began the same day. One child is barely able to produce a sound still and still struggles to put the instrument together whilst another is progressing very steadily towards a grade 2 AMEB level.

And what about kids that want to do music at a senior level. It's either 'ensemble tuition' or 'private lessons paid for by the parent'. So, as usual, it's the kids with rich parents who will be the ones with access to the jobs in music performance, not the ones in poorer families who are naturally more talented and hardworking at the instrument.

They call this a 'trial' period. What trial???? This proposal will in short, destroy the current IMS service, redistribute the teachers and stop any children from learning instruments individually in EVERY year except year 5. This is not a trial. Once it starts, there's no turning back. Too much damage will be already done and it'll be too costly to re-establish the IMS once it is disbanded which is what will happen in 2008 if this will go ahead. Not to mention that we would have lost most of the qualified music teachers to private systems and other non-arts related occupations because their current jobs are under threat.

The future implication for arts of all kinds in this state will be DISASTROUS. The future of our qualified music teachers' jobs aside, the problems this will cause in other organisations in the arts are undeniable. Most of these organisations are likely to collapse due to lack of interest and also lack of local talent.

Parents in poorer families now forced to pay for their children's continued music tuition will be forced to cut tuition in other areas such as dance, sport, community drama and other extra-curricular activities. Therefore, enrolments in extracurricular subjects such as ballet, gymnastics, singing and drama amongst other areas will suffer as a result. Sports teams will have their numbers cut because parents will only be able to afford one activity.
The Elder Conservatorium will be forced to make cuts to the education programmes offered in music due to the lack of talent auditioning for university programmes from graduates of high schools that have poor music programmes. Eventually, it will close all together because the institution will become a laughing stock and no one will wish to attend music degrees in such a low-arts-focused state.
Schools such as the four Specialist Music Centres (Marryatville, Woodville, Brighton and Fremont) will be forced to lower their standards of entry as feeder schools will not be providing potential musicians. Their credibility will be destroyed. Competition for private tuition and private schools will be tough, less scholarships awarded and private teachers (particularly in popular instruments such as piano, guitar or drums) will be worked to their limits until they will have to turn potential new students away disappointed.
Due to the lack of excellence in music tuition, art professions will suffer such as the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra, State Opera, music festivals, the Fringe (no local acts will be good enough to play) as there will no longer be people playing at the excellent standard currently available. These organisations will be forced to limit their repertoire due to depleting musicians and therefore this will hurt box offices takings. No doubt, the government will 'reevaluate' the viability of having these organisations in South Australia at all if it is no longer a financial success.
Visiting international artists will no longer want to visit our state as there will be no musicians to play with at the standard they would expect from their associate artists. Local bands such as Goose and Marmalade Circus (and other bands made up of many DECS educated musicians and teachers etc) will be hard pressed to find musicians with enough skill to play with them. South Australia will quickly become the state of artistic mediocrity and eventually, the 'festival state' will be damaged forever. As one speaker said our slogan is 'SA Great', not 'SA Average'. Would you hire someone to play in your band who had been tutored with 30 other kids on an instrument he/she didn't choose?
Community ensembles such as brass bands, orchestras, concert bands and choirs will be forced to rely on the older members of the ensembles to carry through as there will be no younger players coming in. Eventually these people become too old and retire, therefore causing the ensembles to collapse through lack of membership.
Amateur musical theatre will no longer be operable as no properly qualified or trained singers will be around to play the parts. And even if they were, there would be no orchestra to accompany them as there will be no-one in the state good enough to play the music. And those who are will either be too old or too busy covering the entire arts community of the state to do it.
Those few musicians in the state who have been forced into privately paid tuition will take jobs in other states as there will be no performance opportunities left in the state. And they'll stay interstate. Womad, the Festival of the Arts, the Fringe will be moved to Victoria or NSW.

There are many other terrible and drastic implications from this ridiculous proposal. But the most scarily problematic one is that most children educated in the public school system SIMPLY will not get the chance to learn an instrument at all. As far as this 'new and improved' service is concerned, if you're not in Year 5, tough shit. How is this an improved service? Thousands of children across the state will simply be denied the chance to learn at all or to even get a glimpse at what could be. Not everybody can afford $1000 a year in instrumental tuition and by the time the child earns enough money to pay for lessons themselves, it'll be too late for them to have a career in music. You wouldn't expect parents to fork out $1000 a year to learn maths, or science, or P.E. And rightfully so.

But of course, in a country that doesn't take the arts seriously, what do you expect? The day they cut the sport budget in this state will be the end of civilisation as we know it. But they're quite happy to destroy 9000 children's potential for a happy satisfying musical life.

And all this from a Rann government that claims to be 'for the common people' and pro arts! What a joke!

My suggestion if this goes ahead is to organise a public performance in the foyer outside Jane Lomax Smith's office of all the students in the state learning a musical instrument in a group of 15 or more. I think it'll take about 2 minutes of listening to it for them to re-evaluate their plan entirely.

Ode to Spanner

2007-08-05T21:38:00.000+09:30

SPANNER THE BAD ASSED MOTHER.....

Here's a series of poems I wrote a few years ago for Spanner. I meant them in the most affectionate way possible. (as all my teasing of him is.....)

The Candy Man

Many times at Woodville Band
Dear old Steve did bring
A bulging bag filled up with sweets
For impressionable young things.

Parents, beware of this old man
For he has an obvious knack
Of offering their young daughters
Too many sugared snacks

We all think he brings them
In a desperate cling to youth.
But we all know Spanner far too well
And he cannot hide the truth.

No amount of lollies will turn him
Into a young and youthful guy
For Spanner is over double their age
And the pension is drawing nigh…

We think he has a problem
An addiction, if you must.
He may need to join a support group
To conquer this glucose lust.

Weeds, Glorious Weeds!!

Backyard Blitz, Backyard Blitz!
Come and save this man!
Steve’s garden is disgraceful
And he really needs a hand!

The weeds are taking over
And the ground is completely dry
Come make his garden beautiful
Before the trees curl up and die!

The best idea was a soothing spa
For him and eleven chicks
But power problems halted that
So it was given the flick!

It’s a shame Steve’s garden is awful
As he has a lovely place
But Spanner has a blackened thumb
And its such a tragic place!

The dirt mound needs to disappear
Its replacement? A calming pond.
But at the moment, it’s only hope
Is a fairy’s magic wand.

Jamie Durie, please come now
And fix this lump of dirt!!
Spanner could really use your help
What you’d do could NEVER hurt!!

SAILING THE SEVEN SEAS

I want to go on Steve’s non-boat
And sail the seven seas.
I love that giant invisible sail
That catches the wind with ease.

The transparent rudder cuts through waves
And directs it on its way.
It’s a pity the boat just doesn’t exist
Oh well, another day….

The berth he’s bought is wide and deep
To store the galant boat.
Steve’s paying for a bit of sea
So his dream can proudly float.

It’s very nice and cool and all
To have your own boat dock
But what’s the point if the boat is pretend
And the emptiness is mocked!

THE THRILL OF THE RIDE

Spanner sits at home at 3am
With his uniform on, all ready to go
If he could, he’d work and pay them.
He just doesn’t know how to say no!

He loves the sound of the engine’s roar
And the sound of the wheels against rails.
If work calls, he’s straight out the door!
In comparison, all other work pales.

He loves scraping dead cows off the front of the train
For him, it’s the thrill of the day.
He’s always got the love of work on the brain
Although, to us, he’ll never say.

For Spanner, the railway’s in his mind
Night and day, week by year.
He wants to work badly, I’m sure you’ll find
So ARG, call! He’s already in his gear!

BEWARE: THE ONE ARMED BANDIT!

So many coins lost, so little money won…
The pokies have bled Spanner dry.
He’s put so much cash in and come out with none
He’s such an impressionable guy!

The one-armed bandit strikes again
Taking his cash and crushing his pride
Turning 1000 dollars in 10
With no mercy on his side!

That alluring tinkling pokies tune
Is tempting to the end
It reels him in and very soon
He can no longer spend.

For all his money is quickly sent
Down the flashing money pit
And every single hard-earned cent
Is gone before he can spit!

The one-armed bandit is ruthless and hard
Like flushing your cash down the loo
So Spanner, be strong and on your guard
Cause the machines are out to get YOU!

Oh, how I miss those days of taking the piss out of the old bugger. But I still love him dearly!

PS. I have a second blog I Shall Call Him Stan And He Shall Be My Stan about all things clarinet-y and saxophone-y. For all you music nerds!

More Elmo torture

2007-06-19T19:31:00.000+09:30

For Elmo on fire

This is really funny. The scary thing is that it keeps going for ages! It's like Chucky. I swear it is the devil incarnate!

Nix

Over and out.

Random music quiz cos I was bored, so there!

2007-06-19T19:07:00.000+09:30

The Technical Basics

1.Do you play any musical instruments?

I play the clarinet, attempt to play the saxophone and play cornet extremely badly

2.Do you own any musical instruments?

I own a clarinet named Benny, a very shiny pretty tenor saxophone named Stan and a recorder that has mould inside of it

3.What instrument do you most want to learn?

I wanna play piano but noone will teach me, dammit. And I probably should get out that cornet again and actually practice before someone I know tells me off! :)

4.Sexiest instrument?

Tenor Saxophone

5. Can you read proper shape notes rather than tabs?

Yes. Tab is for losers.

6.Do you know your scales?

Um, major ones. Minor ones are overrated…damn minor third. Pfft!

7.Do you have perfect pitch or know anyone that does?

No, I don’t, but I’m hoping this will change once I get better at pitching on brass instruments. Yes, there’s this freak of nature cellist at uni that has perfect pitch. I hate her – or more to the point, I’m jealous of her.

My Top 5….

1. Guitarists?

Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix, The Edge, BB King, John Frusciante (also Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton)

2. Bass guitarists?

Tony Kanal (No Doubt), Flea, Jaco Pastorius, Bootsy Collins, Larry Graham (Sly and The Family Stone) - also Victor Wooten, Adam Clayton, Charles Mingus and Rocco Prestia

3. Drummers?

John Bonham (Zeppelin), Jeff Porcaro (Toto), Buddy Rich, Clyde Stublefield (James Brown), Keith Moon (The Who)

4. Male singers?

Thom Yorke, Matt Bellamy (Muse), Robert Plant, Jeff Buckley, Stevie Wonder

5. Female singers?

Imogen Heap, Eva Cassidy, Ella Fitzgerald, Pat Benatar, Katie Noonan (george)

FAVOURITE CDS

Royal Crown Revue – Mugsy’s Move
Radiohead – The Bends
U2 – Achtung Baby
Muse – Origin of Symmetry
The Atomic Fireballs – Torch This Place
Miles Davis – Someday My Prince Will Come
Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin 4
Stevie Wonder – Songs In The Key Of Life
Curtis Mayfield – Curtis
REM – Automatic For The People
The Beatles – Revolver and Sgt Peppers
Afro Celt Sound System – Release

FAVOURITE BANDS & ARTISTS

U2
Radiohead
Muse
Augie March
REM
Toto
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Eva Cassidy
Stan Getz
Miles Davis
Ella Fitzgerald
Stevie Wonder
James Brown
Earth Wind and Fire
Afro Celt Sound System
The Cat Empire
Gotan Project
Goose
Marmalade Circus
Bjork
Tori Amos
Frou Frou and Imogen Heap
Smashing Pumpkins
Soweto String Quartet
Joss Stone
Paul Simon
Madness
The Stranglers
Cherry Poppin Daddies
Curtis Mayfield
Otis Redding
Wilson Pickett
The Killers
Ozomatli
Mika

FAVOURITE CONCERTS

U2
The ASO with James Morrison performing Graeme Koehne’s High Art Trumpet Concerto
Bjork
Goose
Womadelaide (the year of Afro Celt)

SONGS……………

Best love song

It had to be you – Harry Connick Jr
Have I Told You Lately – Van Morrison

Best driving song

On the Road Again – Willie Nelson
Driving In My Car – Madness
The Car Song – Cat Empire

Best sex song

Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye

Best break up song

Special Ones – george
Love Stinks – J Geils Band

Best rock song

Kashmir and The Immigrant Song – Led Zeppelin

Best pop song

Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder
(of the moment) Grace Kelly – Mika

Best song to sing in the shower

See above…

All time favourite song

Africa - Toto

Song you wish you knew all the lyrics to

U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

Most played songs on your iPod

Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder
Let Go – Frou Frou
Diferente – Gotan Project
The Ground Beneath Her Feet – u2
Africa – Toto
Barflies At The Beach – Royal Crown Revue
Soy – The Gipsy Kings

Song you hate the most

That f**king whistling dance song, Love Generation. Geez it irritates me. Closely followed by anything that uses hamster voices.

The song that always gets you on the dance floor

Be Faithful – Crooklyn Clan and Fat Man Scoop
Hot Hot Hot - Arrow

Best song to dance around the house in your undies too

Do Your Thing – Basement Jaxx

Best rock out with your cock out song

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen (preferably with lots of alcohol induced singing)

Most overplayed song on the radio at the moment

That really annoying silverchair song in which Daniel Johns whines and whing

Funny funny stuff

2007-06-11T15:26:00.000+09:30

I was just browsing YouTube and I came across these movie trailers.

Whoever this guy is, I wanna meet him. He's bloody clever! And hilarious!

For When Harry Met Sally as an erotic thriller, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gMWpxTK7q2s&mode=related&search=

For Top Gun as a,well, different love story, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ekXxi9IKZSA&mode=related&search=

For the scary Mary Poppins, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic&mode=related&search=

For the remake of Garden State as a thriller about insanity and murder, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iZ1318KFSZk

For Forrest Gump as a psychopathic stalker, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4P-PrftFmsI&mode=related&search=

I wish I'd thought of this!

Nix

It's all about me....pt.2

2007-05-04T12:21:00.000+09:30

THINGS I WHINGE ABOUT

Dangerous driving. I can handle people driving too slowly, or stealing your park in a shopping centre carpark, or blocking you in when you're parallel parking. Yeah, its rude, but I can deal with it. What REALLY shits me is the following....

a) When you are ahead of someone and the lanes merge and they accelerate to pull in front of you. It is incredibly dangerous and just plain ignorant. It makes me wanna run them off the road.
b) Tailgaters. How hard is it to leave 2 seconds between you and the car in front?!! It really isn't difficult. And yet, 95% of large car drivers tailgate. And even worse, get RIGHT UP YOUR ASS before changing lanes, which is dangerous and (at night when they have headlights as bright as the AAMI Stadium lights) rude as well. It's invariably Commodore and Falcon drivers and anyone driving a turbo charged heap of crap because they think that because they have a V6 and more power than they should be allowed to have, they have to make the most of it by speeding all the time.

c) People that change lanes RIGHT before a red traffic light. Most of us sensible drivers judge correct braking distance. When idiots do that, you're forced to rely on having new tyres and new brakes instead - it's unnecessary and puts people at risk. Prepare AHEAD OF TIME, people!!!

I get serious road rage from idiots like that. And anyone who has travelled with me driving probably knows this already.

Kids at school who don't wear deodorant. The year 8 boys smell really bad. I walked into school band practice the other day an hour after the last class had left and the lingering B.O. smell from the previous class hit me like a ton of bricks. My boss said she's so used to it, she doesn't even notice it anymore. How could she not notice it? I swear the smell has legs!

Incorrect grammar and punctuation. Some people get paid to make signs for a living. So you'd think that signwriting companies would employ people with SOME SEMBLANCE of grammatical and punctuation competency. If I see another pizza sign where they've written "2 Pizza's for $10", I'll force feed them the bloody thing. How hard is it to proof read, or if you're not sure, to ask someone? I don't think primary schools are working hard enough to make sure that children learn this. My primary school did. We didn't spend much time on it. But it was enough. But now, there are kids that don't know the difference between 'there, their and they're" and it's infuriating. It's really not that hard.

People whose vocal inflections sound as if every sentence is a question. Munnalita on The Biggest Loser spoke this way. It drove me BATTY! There must be a school for this somewhere - too many people do this.

Children. All children should be born at age 12. Although that would really hurt.....The End.

It's all about me...pt.1

2007-05-04T11:38:00.000+09:30

THINGS I LIKE:

Coffee. Yes, yes, yes, I had to put this first. And only because all of you would be expecting me to anyway (ie. those of you who said I talked about nothing but coffee all the time we were in Melbourne. he he...). For those of you that know me well, I am a grumpy heinous bitch in the morning before my coffee. I have a sign on my fridge: I wrote a poem about coffee in my third year writing class at Flinders University. Everybody laughed at me.

Men's shoulder blades. I know, it's a bit random but there's nothing more sexy than the toned muscles on a guy's back right next to the shoulder blade (I don't know what it's called).

Most girls will check out an ass or perhaps a six pack but no, not me. I guess I'm a freak of nature.

All things clarinet-y. It's tough being a clarinet nerd. Whenever I meet someone new at the con and they ask me what I play, I watch as the interest fades from their eyes and their attention drift away to ANYTHING BUT TALKING TO ME when I say "clarinet". Now if I said "saxophone", suddenly their ears prick up. But clarinet, poor clarinet, is such a geeky instrument.

But with all its inconsistencies of intonation and evil reeds and the damn altissimo register, it's one of the most versatile, agile instruments around and it kicks ass.

Being a band nerd. I don't see what's wrong with it. Movies like American Pie pay the SHIT out of band kids but I find most of it to be a load of bollocks. Yes, playing in bands means you have to be somewhat obsessive and a lot of players don't do much else. But it's fun, challenging, and most of all, I have made some of the best friends I could ever have in bands. There's something about playing music together in that kind of environment that brings people really close together. (Although band camp or tour does help in that capacity....he he he). And if you play in a band 3 or 4 times a week, you're never that lonely which, I can tell you, beats watching Eddie Maguire on 1 vs 100 or whatever other crappy semi-entertainment. If its a choice between playing marches and watching Big Brother, bring on Standard of St George any day!

The smell of the earth just before it rains, thunderstorms and sunshowers. I love that earthy smell of the ground preparing itself for rain. Once it starts to rain, well then it's just friggin annoying. But that smell is awesome. As for lightning, I love sitting outside watching thunderstorms - we don't get them nearly enough in Adelaide. Although we don't get tornados either but this picture is COOL!

Reminds me of just how incredibly powerful our little blue planet is. I could be a meteorologist....if it wasn't so science-y and I wasn't completely useless at that stuff.

The sound of my cat's purr. I have two cats (although theoretically, neither of them are mine) and they are the completely the opposite. One meows really loudly (almost irritatingly noisily) but can't purr....she just snuffles. The other only squeaks - can't meow - but purrs like a lawnmower. She should have been named 'Victa'. I love the sound of a contented cat, even though five seconds later, the cow scratches me or bites me when she finally lulls you into a false sense of security.

Nix, The Nomadic Band Geek's Big Adventure!

2007-04-10T19:59:00.001+09:30

****NEWSFLASH: UCB emerge victorious (almost!)****

UCB comes second in the Open B Grade Concert Band division. One step higher than 2005 and on our way to the top!!! Is it just me, or do we kick ass?! :)

******

I have just had a great weekend at the National Band Championships in Ivanhoe, Victoria, and this was mostly due to the people I met in the last week. At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, I'd just like to say that I have never in my life met such a warm, friendly group of people that I've instantly bonded with than the people I met last Wed morning whilst boarding the Overland. I formed an instant friendship with most of the people there (very rare for me) and I am truly grateful for their instant acceptance of me (a relative new-y to the band).

*****

I have been very fortunate to spend time with some wonderful people over the last week...particularly, but not limited to, Nads, Edgy, Unkey Brent, Big Al, Nat, Storrie, Grandpa Tinks and Anna Banana. For some of you, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen to stay with you in the hostel had I not come up on the train earlier but I am SO GLAD that I did. I would not have made the decision to stay with UCB had it not been for you. Thank you for making it so easy. I was quite nervous coming into this trip not knowing anyone aside from Nic and a couple of people I'd met before. I was quite apprehensive about everything but you welcomed me with open arms. Thanks so much. Miss you guys already!

******

Lotsa love, Nix (sniff....sniff....tears welling up.... MUST..... STOP..... CHEESINESS ....)

MOVING ON!

******

"What happens in Melbourne stays in Melbourne"

For those of you in the know, the above statement still applies so don't worry. No unexpected revelations here. However, I'd like to share some....um...how should I put this....um...innocent, completely harmless memories?? with everyone.

******

We didn't seem to have a lot of luck making it to the events we wanted to see this year. The first was the quartet division (congratulations to UCB's quartet for their 4th place) which I bloody missed because their performance was pushed ahead and I was too late buying a friggin' boys school shirt! I can't believe UCB had an Adelaide cheer squad and Nat and I missed the target of our support. So I figure, they can't be blamed for not coming first - I think it was their lack of me, their lucky charm. He he he... :)

******

Then of course, we missed Kew Band which was the only Brass Band I had been ordered to see by my family. We caught the march but that was about it. Dammit. Then poor Donsy had no support for Marion Brass as the Adelaide contingent missed their performance and watched it through a door - damn organisers pushed the event ahead of schedule!

******

And to finish off our run of bad luck, we chose to go for beer, right about the time that Geelong Concert Band (the band that beat us in B Grade Concert Band) was on stage. Not well timed.

But all in all, we had a fantastic weekend, bonding (some more than others...he he...) and most of the time, cacking ourselves! No matter where you were, there was always a smiling face, or an arm around a shoulder, or an imprompu rank and file marching group (complete with mediocre drum major....I think Edgy'll have to take a pay cut...he he).

******

"We visited Melbourne...but it was closed"

This weekend I have come to the conclusion that Adelaide is a great place to live. Melbourne appeared to be closed this weekend. In Adelaide, there's a pub open on every corner, usually at any time. In Melbourne, I think the hospitals close if business is slow...

We walked for miles looking for places to eat, even on Saturday night (although that was sometimes due to Unkey Brent's less than superb navigational skills - although Nads' eternal optimism of "it's just around the next corner" helped!). Sunday night's 'Wokka noodles/semi-edible playdough' experience as a last resort are likely to remain in Anna's nightmares forever! :)

******

Our encounter with a less-than-tourist-orientated tram driver within 20 minutes of arriving in Melbourne was a particular highlight of Melbourne's national warm embrace. Fortunately we carry our own debate team of one with us!

"I'll just flop everywhere"

Ah, I'd just like to say "Nic, you're a f**king legend!" What memories! You had the toughest gig imaginable, you gave it your all and you will go down in history! Thankyou to Wendy and Arlene for being such good sports. Maurice, I'll find a way to get you back!!!

And Nic, just keep practicing the art! There's plenty of people who will donate themselves as mannequins, clearly!

Well, that concludes my run down of the trip to the 2007 Australian National Band Championships for now. Feel free to note any memories you'd like to share. In fact, COMMENT, BITCHES!!!! Pictures to come!!!!

And remember, victory in the 2009 Australian National Band Championships is.......

just around the corner!

******

EDIT: ROAD TRIP INTO HELL

My trip home was a total comedy of errors, I swear. I think I have to be the unluckiest person on earth. I didn't have to catch a bus until 8:30 in the morning but I decided I'd go with Big Al, Unkey Brent and Nat at 6:20 so I knew how to get there. After seeing them off before 7am, I went to check in at Firefly but the woman at the counter told me check in wasn't until 8am for Adelaide. So I went and got a coffee (which was like watered down dirt with milk) and sat on the ground for an hour. Unfortunately, what I hadn't been told is that the other check in desk WAS checking in Adelaide so by the time I realised, I was one of the last there. So I got a friggin aisle seat. First of many problems.

******

I was put at the back of the bus next to a girl who smelled like curry powder and garam masala gone bad. It was the kind of smell that makes me dry retch - I swear this smell had legs! From the first 5 minutes I was already bus sick from sitting over the engine and the smell made it worse and I wasn't even gonna be able to sleep it off. Luckily, for about 45 minutes the seats behind me were free so I could lie down until Ballarat but the smell must have been in this girl's hair hanging over the seat as it was more pungent than ever.

******

By the time I moved back to the allocated seat, my back was killing me, I had major cramp, I was exhausted and missing our little group. And above all, I was SHIT BORED! I couldn't read cos of motion sickness, couldn't sleep cos I had nowhere to put my head and couldn't even think straight because curry lady was talking in Hindi at 100 decibels an hour for about half the trip. At least she could have talked in English so I could have eavesdropped. How inconsiderate.

******

Then, finally, the driver decided to put on a video. Hilary Duff would have been an improvement over my day. And it was almost as bad: Dakota Fanning.....ugh...child actors! It was some terrible 'straight to dvd' release called Dreamer about horses (not my type of movie). But at least it was something to do. Or was it?

******

Oh no! Of course, my bad luck prevailed and 30 minutes in, the tvs decided they didn't want to work anymore and the driver couldn't fix them so we had to endure the rest of the trip without a video. I bet if we had had one though, it would have been Lizzie Maguire. ;)

******

So I tried to nap, shifting in my seat constantly. Then my WORST NIGHTMARE occurred. Curry lady fell asleep next to me and her head fell on my shoulder! I only thought that happened in movies. Kill me now! So I pushed her off but 5 seconds later, it was back again. In the end, I sorta nudged her to lean the opposite way and finally she did. But she was one of those annoying people who kept ALL her stuff down by her feet and so had no room to put her feet and started encroaching on my space. So I had the space of a 5 cent coin to put my feet.

******

Could this trip get any worse? Oh yes it can!

We headed for Tintinara to our second meal stop. There was about 5 minutes to go but the guy in front of me decided to put his seat back without warning me and I had my legs crossed. He jammed my knees in until I finally said 'ouch' and he stopped. I have a perfect bruise in the shape of my coke bottle now. We started to slow down in Tintinara but the driver stopped suddenly and suddenly I got whacked in the head with some guy's bag that he hadn't secured properly in the overhead luggage. So now I had a headache too. Then we stopped at the roadhouse and I got up to get out of this hellhole. But one of the guys was rude and pushed in front of me, stepping on my foot on the way out. Sneaker-tread shaped bruise there too.

******

I couldn't wait to get out for some fresh air. But no, as luck prevailed, as I got out, the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. 8 road trains filled with cows had decided to stop at the same time as us. The smell was putrid. I went into the toilets to escape it!

******

The rest of the trip was excrutiating - my phone had run out of charge so I couldn't even text anybody, the curry lady's pungent stench seemed to be multiplying with time. And just when I thought we were on the home stretch, we were stuck in an hr long traffic jam because of the roadworks between Hahndorf and Stirling and so arrived in Adelaide 30 minutes later than expected.

******

I've never been so glad to see my mum in my life. Next time, I'm bringing my bike!

Over and out.

Nicky's List of Movie Scenes that are FULLY SIK!

2007-03-19T10:53:00.000+10:30

I'd like to share with you some of my favourite movie scenes of all time.

1. Now Duets is an awful movie on so many levels (the main reason being Gwyneth Paltrow). However, there is one scene that makes it worth watching, even if you press the mute button for the other hour and 26 minutes. It is the scene where Paul Giamatti and Andre Brauer do their awesome karaoke rendition of Try A Little Tenderness (although Andre Brauer's vocals were done by Arnold McCuller apparently). It is the best karaoke scene ever and the song version ALMOST rivals The Commitments. Who would have thought that Paul Giamatti could sing that well? Actually, he was the best thing about that movie, although he kinda lowered himself to it when we've seen what he can do in movies like Sideways.

2. One of the funniest movies and underrated comedies (which kicks ASS over Zoolander) is Mystery Men. It has an awesome cast with people like William H Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Hank Azaria and Greg Kinnear (aside from Ben Stiller who just plain irritates me sometimes) and a quirky plot straight out of sketch drama. My favourite scene is when the Mystery Men attack the Casanova Frankenstein, the nemesis' car and the Blue Raja scratches the paintwork with forks. When I first saw this, myself and Andrew McHappy laughed hysterically whilst everyone else stared at us in disbelief. I'm glad someone else saw the humour in that movie. :) And the best line is when the Invisible Boy finally reveals his powers and is standing naked, Janeane Garofalo says 'Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if we're gonna continue to fight evil today....'. He he.... DOWN WITH PANTS!

3. There are so many great scenes in This is Spinal Tap but three stand out: The first is the scene where the boys are talking about their past band members choking on vomit (or in one case, on someone ELSE'S vomit) and one who died in a bizarre gardening accident...! The second is the amplifier that goes to 11 (everyone remembers that one!) but the one that does it for me is the scene where they are performing Stonehenge on the stage but the styrofoam Stonehenge set is only half sized so they have to use dwarves to dance around them. It's hilarious!!

4. Best fight scene ever!!!! Bridget Jones's Diary: the scene where Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fight in the street. There is nothing funnier than two prim and proper English men girly slap each other and try and kick each other in suits. That's my kind of fight!!! They tried to rehash it in the sequel for tried and true laughs but the original just cracked me up.

5. The accolades for the best ending, I think, has to go to The Life Of Brian. There was something so wacky about a bunch of blokes singing whilst nailed to crosses that it goes down in history as one of the most memorable scenes ("I'm Brian, and so is my wife!"). And making it even more funny is the fact that the song is sung by Eric Idle who has one of the funniest voices ever to grace the screen. The song reminds me of Don Harvie (RIP) so it has a particular poignancy about it.

Part 2 of this movie scene extravaganza to come.....

Pull on those spangly tights....

2007-03-14T16:49:00.000+10:30

I am all musical-ed out. I am sick of Singin' In The Rain already and we haven't even opened yet. I think it's because I've heard it all so many times before...WAY before I pretended to play the saxomaphone. I've found myself greeting people in song....."Good morning, good morning....." and dancing with umbrellas (or brooms...vacuum cleaners....very sharp long knives.....). I have started talking like Lina Lamont ("And I Caaaaaan't STAND HIM.....) and quoting random lines from the show ad nauseum.

I think I need to do some premieres of new shows. That way, I'm not already bored of it already. So, I was thinking...I could write some shows. Or at least, do a modern take on an old show. We all know about my Euro, "Wogs outta Work"-slant on the popular Grease......

GREECE: The Musical

With such popular songs as "Hopelessly Devoted To Yous" and starring Effie as Sandy....

Check out the Monaros, the excess hair gel......it'll be fully sik....

And then I thought, hmmmm, anything could be made into a musical. How about....................

or perhaps....

or the one I'm looking forward to....

This particular one could be great cos we could write the story kinda like Sweeney Todd or Slaughter on 10th Avenue where there's gruesome murders....

Then we could kill off ELMO!!!!!

How to talk 'Straiyun... (instructional dvd and workbook out soon)

2007-02-21T16:20:00.000+10:30

I was watching a re-run of the Simpsons episode where Bart calls that Australian kid and reverse charges the phone call, and I was baffled at just how bad Americans are at imitating the Australian voice, considering that there are really quite simple ways of handling our lingo. So I have decided that Americans need an instructional video on how to talk Aussie. Cos clearly the subtleties of Kath and Kim and The Castle have gone right over most people's heads. But money being a little scarce, I thought I'd start with a blog entry. So here goes......

1. 80-90% of vowel sounds must be dropped from your words. Even the cliched Australian greeting has vowels dropped (G'day). In ordah to tork Straiyun, laziness is tha key. ie to greet someone, you should say 'how's it gahn?' Furthermore, any vowels that are still used must be spoken through the nose in a bagpipe-like nasal drone, particularly the 'ay' or 'eye' sounds. Names such as Kylie and Wayne should be whined and each vowel sound should be slid up to, Kath and Kim style.

2. Any male name has to be lengthened or shortened by adding a vowel to the end ie. Robbo, Simmo, Macca, Johnno. Even our nationality has been altered (Aussie or Oz). Any name containing an 'r' has to be converted to a 'z'. ie. Baz, Dazza, Loz (sorry Godzilla), Shaz. Names must be spelt in the most ridiculous way possible, especially if you live in the outer Northern or outer Southern suburbs (ie Ambuh, Ky-leigh, Ahmanduh, Britta-knee)

3. Sentences shouldn't be completed, wherever possible. For example, "The lecture was boring as". When in doubt, construct sentences using words not even found in the dictionary (ie Strewth, Grouse, Drongo).

4. Be as vulgar with words and toilet humour as you can. For example, to describe a rather stocky woman, you should say 'she was built like a brick shithouse'. Or to denote going to do a 'number 2', you should say 'I'm going to give birth to a big brown baby boy'. Describe anything you don't like as being 'shitty' or 'crappy' or any other word that describes faeces. In agreeing with someone, the correct terms should be 'f**k, yeah!' or 'yeah, no shit!'. Always refer to your friends in the most degrading way possible, calling them revolting names wherever possible. D**khead, W**ker and other insulting names should be their regular nicknames.

Experiment with the lingo. Part 2 of this lecture is coming soon....

My brain is slowly rotting....

2007-02-06T19:44:00.000+10:30

I am a self-confessed reality TV freak. And it's really not a good thing. In fact, I think I watch too much tv in general. I was watching the game show 'The Rich List' the other day and I realised that I know too much about TV when I could name more than 10 Muppets. And I knew at least 15 Tom Cruise movies (and I don't even LIKE Tom Cruise - now if it was Kevin Bacon.......) and I shudder to think whatever other silver screen related category I'm gonna clean up in. I should go on this show....I could use $250,000. Bugger the partner you're supposed to have, I could do it solo. I digress....

Reality tv is my weakest area. I realised that aside from game shows, the shows I watch the most are reality ones. (Although this could do with the fact that there is a conspiracy created by Channel 10 to stop me from being able to watch House by putting it on band night...they must know that I have an unprogrammable VCR).

I have recently become addicted to 'So You Think You Can Dance'. And through watching it, I've started to think that maybe I just like these shows because I can live vicariously through the people I'm watching on the box. Cos they all follow a pattern - singing (Australian Idol - although Lee Harding doesn't count in that category), dancing (So You Think You Can Dance), dating people (The Bachelor), communicating and co-operating with family in a stressful environment (The Amazing Race) being able to do more than one pushup (The Biggest Loser). All things that I can't do.

Of course, Big Brother doesn't factor into this list. Why? Because even I can walk around the house wearing nothing but a belt and talk incessantly about graphic sex with total strangers. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a Big Brother contestant. In fact, if you WERE a rocket scientist, you wouldn't even get ON the show. There's an IQ limitation.

I just think it's laziness on my part. I figure I don't have to actually learn how to dance or sing or exercise or socialise with others when I can just watch other people doing it on TV. And that can't be healthy. Because sitting on my ass watching The Bachelor and seeing some chick say 'she's in love' with a slimy guy she's known for a mere few weeks and me actually getting weepy is just a little bit pathetic.

In fact, I think I should stop watching TV altogether. Because I'm entirely too involved in the evil that is Quizmania (does anyone else want to punch Hotdogs as much as me?). I know people that are becoming increasingly more violent the longer that piece of rubbish is on.

And I'm starting to harbour unhealthy thoughts about what I would like to do to shut up the chick with the freaky veins on her neck on the Caffe Primo ad. By the way, did anyone know that she is actually a 36ers cheerleader? ANNOUNCEMENT: Does anyone want to go to the basketball with me so I can egg her? I hate how she says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Well, I don't know....if she's thinking that she would like to fall head first into a pile of orangutang faeces, then yeah! And as for the "throw a few more prawns on that" comment, don't even get me started. There were TWO F-ing prawns on the plate before she said that, the stingy bastards!

Yep, I think I should take leave from TV for a while. Although what would I do without Dr Karl Kennedy or the coppers at Sun Hill or the awe-inspiring smoulder of Michael Vartan in Alias....or Bert's bad jokes on Family Feud (BRING BACK ROB!) or that hilarious Carlton Cold ad where the chubby bloke does the Flashdance imitation...he he he... or the crazy capers of that yellow, four-fingered family..........

Oh shit, I really am pathetic.....

Drive how you want - they've got brakes!

2007-01-30T15:51:00.000+10:30

How to drive South Australian

1. Leave it as late as possible to brake when approaching a stop sign or red light. If you have ABS, relish in the foot massage you get. If you don't have ABS, you get to stretch your legs whilst simultaneous revelling in the joy of watching the fear on the face of the person in the car in front as you miss them by just a couple of centimetres. It works even better if your tyres are bald and you need new brake pads or a top up on the brake fluid.

2. Go around the corner as quickly as possible. If your tyres don't squeal, you're just not putting enough effort in. Always try to sneak in BEFORE the pedestrians get to you if turning left across a pedestrian crossing. Pedestrians can stop easier than you. Beep them if they try and beat you or edge forward as if you will run them over. Keep those 'think-they're-better-than-you-are' greenies on their toes!

3. Change lanes as often as you can, making sure that you're RIGHT UP THE ASS of the car in front before pulling out into the other lane. Always try and sneak in to a gap that's too small for your car so the person in that lane has to hit their brakes. Give them the bird if they honk you. Always overtake on the left and remember that the speed limit doesn't apply to overtaking.

4. When travelling on a highway or freeway, sit in other cars' blindspots so they will get a shock when they go to change lanes. Speed up when someone tries to change lanes so they have to hit their brakes and move in behind you. Never let anybody into your lane in heavy traffic. Why should you? You were there first.

5. When someone is trying to overtake you on a one-lane highway, wait until they've pulled into the line of oncoming traffic, then speed up so they can't get in front of you. Tailgate them when they are in front of you. You can't afford to waste 0.1 of a second. Also, at night, sit in a position behind another car that makes your headlights shine DIRECTLY into their rear view vision mirror. Don't EVER dip your headlights for oncoming traffic until they've already got the white spots in front of their eyes.

6. Where possible, allow your passenger to take control of the wheel so you can do more important things like talking on your mobile phone, smoking, playing with your car stereo, eating a burger or applying makeup. As long as they hold the wheel steady, you can even turn and talk to your backseat passengers. Too much time is spent travelling to waste time.

7. The speed limit is just a suggestion. If there is no sign, assume you can go as fast as you want.

8. Work your absolute hardest to block off the only lanes available when you hear an emergency vehicle. It's quite entertaining to watch a big-ass fire engine drive on the nature strip. Although, it is quite okay to have your car stereo's sub woofers pumping so hard, you couldn't possibly hear the sirens in the first place...so how were you to know they were there? Huh, HUH????!!!

9. Only indicate to change lanes or turn with a single flash. If the other driver blinked and missed it, they weren't paying enough attention. Teach them a lesson by suddenly stopping. Take as LONG AS YOU WANT to turn into a side street and never get close to the gutter when you turn left. Leave as little room as possible for the car travelling behind you to go around you. In fact, make a last minute decision NOT to turn so that you teach those people a lesson....impatient bastards!

10. When anybody uses their horn as a warning signal, I would recommend getting your passenger to hold the wheel while you give them the 'one finger salute'. In fact, the 'one finger salute' can be applied anywhere on South Australian roads. It is, after all, tradition.

Happy driving!

Planning ahead...

2007-01-08T17:49:00.000+10:30

I've decided that since I don't really have a will (cos I figure, you should actually own something valuable to have a will), I'll just tell everyone what I want at my funeral on this blog.

Music: 1. Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead - the Wizard of Oz munchkins (absolutely essential!)
2. If There's A Hell Below (We're All Going To It) - Curtis Mayfield
3. The Pretty Things Are Going To Hell - David Bowie
4. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
5. Sex Machine - James Brown
6. You Make Me Sick - Pink
7. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
8. Anything off Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson

**Note: Numbers two, three, seven and eight are particularly important... just in case my family lose their minds and put my funeral in a church***

During the service, I want a slide show that isn't a puke-inducing sentimental montage of me but instead, I want a screening of Degrassi, preferably the episode where Caitlin thinks she's a lesbian. **Again, this is particularly important if the service is in a church**

I want goodie bags given out at the door at the end of the service with all of my meagre possessions (ie. balls of hair out of my hairbrush, old cotton buds, used floss...that kind of thing....). Also, I think a jumping castle at the front would be a nice touch. However, that doesn't mean I want children at the funeral. There would be nothing more annoying than a child screaming and kicking the back of someone's seat and not be able to get out of the coffin to punch them in the head....

Instead of the obligatory coffee & biscuits wake, I want a pub crawl. They could just put my coffin on wheels and bring me with them. Then, of course, they'd have a portable table as well on which to sit their drinks. But don't forget to use a coaster. I might want that someone special to re-sell the coffin on ebay and don't want damn beer stains.

After the pubcrawl, I want to be taken to a taxidermist and stuffed. Then I want someone to put me on the doorstep of my current worst enemy, ring the doorbell and run away.

Don't forget to bring your cameras.

Devils in baby blue jumpsuits

2006-12-26T18:41:00.000+10:30

You know, I'm starting to think I'm evil.

I was in the park having a picnic today for Mum's birthday and there was this group of people playing cricket about 50m from us. And because Mum's friends are shit boring and I was the only one there younger than 55, I was watching the other people who seemed to be having much more fun than me (damn them all to hell! lol).

There was this little kid there that must have been about two with a plastic kiddie cricket bat and a twenty-something guy (who was a bit alright, I might add, not that I was noticing or anything) who was bowling down to this kid. And the older guy threw it a little too hard and the kid missed it and the ball hit the stumps. And you know what I thought? I was thinking, "DAMN IT, it missed that kid's head".

I am so evil. I really don't like children, do I?! I thought it was something I would grow out of. But it clearly isn't. Cos at my age, usually girls are hearing that incessant 'tick tock tick tock' and trying to snag any poor bloke with workable tackle to help them fulfil their parental dream. But not me. A friend said to me the other day 'Children is what you do when you've done absolutely everything you've ever wanted to do and your life is over.' A piece of wisdom if ever I heard it.

And yet, I love those damn kids at the school. I have absolutely no problem teaching very newly pubescent teenage kids how to play the clarinet - in fact, I kinda look forward to it lately - but I can't stand children clinging on to my legs at the dinner table at Xmas or asking me to read them the same bloody picture book a thousand times. I got subjected to my 6 year old cousin asking me to do the word find in the newspaper with her for 3 HOURS! She sat on my lap, the little heavyweight, and would not move until we'd found every bleeding word in the damn thing. For anyone else, this would be a touching moment of bonding with family. For me, it was Nightmare on Elm Street VIII.

My mum's family in Tassie think my lack of maternal instinct is selfishness. They think it's that I refuse to dedicate myself to another human being. And I object to that. Cos if I'm thinking, "I wish a cricket ball had hit a kid in the noggin", can you IMAGINE what I would be like if I had a kid drawing on my newly painted walls with crayon or eating my bleach under the sink or using my shiny baby tenor saxophone Stan (yes, he has a name!) as a baseball bat?!

I think I'm doing the world a favour.

Finish these sentences.....

2006-12-19T17:25:00.000+10:30

1. Last time someone hurt me... I told them that one day they were going to really miss their balls.

2. My last disappointment was... finding out that Degrassi High was not available in full DVD box set yet.

3. Internet ads... piss me off, esp when they pop up and you have to click on the little cross to make it go away but it's fake and it links you to their stupid site where they put a friggin cookie on my computer or a virus......I'm running out of breath in this rant!

4. I think MySpace... is a word that should be TWO words.

5. My most prized possession is.... my FHM word fridge magnets (hours of endless fun), my collection of old toenail clippings and the Degrassi Junior High 3 season box set. :)

6. If I could stab someone in the throat, it would be... ELMO!

7. One thing I wish I could do is... hug some random person at the airport as they come through the arrivals gate and pretend that I know them. You know, pinch their cheeks and stuff. And have someone film it and make it a hit TV show that rivals Punk'd.

8. But I equally wish I could... get out of not having to call the tennis people to tell them that I can't work for them anymore cos I'm friggin dreading it!

9. My favorite kinds of surveys are... the ones where I don't have to reveal anything. I have to maintain some sense of mystery and distance....

10. The first pet I ever had was... Matt. Does he count?

11. Gosh, I am SO... sick of turning on the TV and seeing some stupid braindead chick hosting a no-brainer midnight game show where they TELL the audience the answer but still don't get anyone answering it correctly. How dumb are people in other states??????

12. Yesterday was... the day before today.

13. I want to kiss... my arm in practice in front of the mirror for the real thing!

14. I want to hug... someone sexy who doesn't smell.

15. This is because... I need to give a reason??? Where have you been living? Under a rock???

16. This survey is SOOO... numerical.

17. Where is.... my mother? I'm hungry. FEED ME!!!!!!! I don't have any food in my fridge.

18. I don't want to... sit next to big smelly people who push me up against the glass on the bus.

19. Right now would be a good time to... crochet doilies. Why not?

20. I can't go anywhere now cos.... a crocodile ate both my legs and now they're just bloody stumps. And that's just too embarrassing. Blood clashes with my fuchsia skirt!

21. My lucky number is... any combination of numbers that wins me 1 million buckaroonies.

22. I don't like.... that stupid chick from the Cafe Primo ad. "Throw a few more prawns on that...." - well of course they should. There were only two on there. Her grin just makes me wanna dye her teeth yellow!

23. If I could hang out with anyone in the whole world right now, I would hang out with... my washing. If someone hangs on my ankles, I might get a little taller.

24. Because... I'm sick of being called a 'walking head'.

25. I miss.... the bus everytime I walk out the house to go anywhere. I don't run for it cos I dread the day someone will yell out 'Run Forrest Run!' like I used to do to pubescent teenage boys when I was an evil high schooler.

26. I want... John Howard to be filmed having a deep and meaningful conversation with a garden gnome - picking on someone his own size.

27. I deserve... to be locked up in padded cell no 3. I've been out too long.

28. I enjoy... torturing small children.

29. Something that really annoys me is... how someone doesn't put a White Pointer Shark in the pool at the Big Brother house.

30. I can't STAND... cos I have no legs...I told you. Geez, you have a short memory!

31. My favorite aisle at the store is... the one where there's the lady on the corner giving away free tastings! It's my only chance for a meal!

32. Someone who has really made a difference in my life is... Yoda. He was full of wisdom and you have to love someone who says "Judge me by my size, do you not?". Respect!

33. Other people have too... much time on their hands to create useless bollocks postings on blogs like this! :)

34. I want to... run through the halls in my high school...I wanna scream at the top of my lungs....oh hang on, that's a song isn't it?

35. When I say goodbye, I usually... frisk em.

Stupid survey

2006-12-19T16:54:00.000+10:30

10 Years Ago...December 1996

How old were you?
18

Where did you go to school?
Adelaide

Where did you work?
I didn't. If I'd had a job, I would have failed Year 12 - for the second year running.

Where did you live?
At Mum's in Ye Olde Boganville Findon

Where did you hang out?
In Southern Cross arcade where the owner of the health food store used to give us free coffee (ironic huh?), I also hung out at gigs that Reckoning did and all that jazz....

What was your hairstyle?
Long. Pretty much the same as now, only natural colour

Did you wear glasses?
No. Have perfect eyesight.

Who was your regular-person crush?
Then, I wasn't really interested in anyone. Was still reeling over the mistake that was Ben Davis. Lol.

How many tattoos did you have?
None. I am too chicken.

How many piercings did you have?
One in each ear. Again, I'm a wuss.

What car did you drive?
Bah, didn't drive. I was too lazy to get off my Ls. I didn't get my Ps till I was 21.

What was your favorite band/group?
I don't even remember. I know I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins...a lot.
What was your worst fear?
Spiders. And being made to hang out with Ben Davis.

Had you driven yet?
Yes. Didn't have a licence but had driven Dad's mini moke & he'd tried to teach me how to drive his van. He never tried again. He he...

Had you been to a real party yet?
Oh yeah, baby! Our high school formal after-party kicked ass!

Had your heart broken?
Yeah. I guess. It's all water under the bridge....

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
I was single at that point....

5 Years Ago...December 2001

How old were you?
23

Where did you go to school?
I wasn't at school. I finished my degree in 2000 and I was working at that awful bloody transport company, selling my soul for a few bucks.

Where did you work?
See above....

Where did you live?
Mum's still.

Where did you hang out?
I floated around a lot. I think that was in the stage where I was going out to bars EVERYWHERE and hanging out at Spanner's after band until 4am (then going to work at 7am!)

How was your hair style?
A little shorter and a funny maroon-y red colour.

Did you wear glasses?
No.

Who was your regular-person crush?
Matt. We'd been together for a while at that point...

How many tattoos did you have?
None. Still a chicken.

How many piercings did you have?
Just the one in each ear still. I was still a wuss.

What car did you drive?
Oh, how I miss you, little red Holden Apollo.....

What was your favorite band/group?
This was at the point where I was listening to bloody everything but I was starting to get heavily into neo-swing, funk and jazz (even moreso than before).

What was your worst fear?
That I would lose the ones I loved.

Had you been to a real party yet?
I was friends with Matt, Marie-Ann (the tequila pisshead!) and Jonathon. What do you THINK is the answer to that question?!

Had your heart broken?
Um, yeah, but it wasn't relevant at that point. Again, water under the bridge.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Taken.

Now...December 2006

How old are you?
28

Where do you work?
At a school. Won't divulge the name for security reasons but I love it there. Love the kids, the staff... :)

Where do you hang out?
At jazz gigs, at the Uni bar on rare occasions but often at pubs like The Austral etc and at dinner...

How is your hair style?
Very long at the moment, needs a cut and is about twenty five different colours all melted into one. I'm going for the sexy shaggy look. lol..

Do you wear glasses?
No. My eyesight's still great.

Do you talk to your old friends?
A few. Um, still friends with a few from school (in fact, some are my closest friends) and I love all the people I met in the first degree (even though I didn't actually study with them) so yeah, that's a yes.

How many piercings do you have?
Still one in each ear. Don't really want anymore.

How many tattoos?
None, but I think I want a music symbol or something. I've become brave in my old age.

What kind of car do you have?
A non-running 1980 3 litre diesel Mercedes Benz of the baby poo yellow persuasion.

What is your favorite band/group?
I don't have a favourite band (although U2 always rates really highly, naturally) but I'm still listening to majorly eclectic range of music incl but not limited to neo-swing (RCR, Cherry Poppin Daddies, Atomic Fireballs), funk and soul (Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Goose, Al Green, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett, Curtis Mayfield, Chuck Brown), jazz (Stan Getz, Buddy Rich, Maynard Ferguson, Errol Garner, Dexter Gordon, Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Benny Goodman, Ella...too many to mention), classic bands (Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Bon Jovi, early RHCP, REM, Toto...hehehe)...... geez this list is going too long. I'll leave it there....

What is your biggest fear?
Losing my loved ones....being rejected and hurt again.

Have you been arrested, if so how many times total?
No.

Has your heart been broken?
I'm healing.... my heart was broken badly several times but I'm okay. Things are looking up.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Why isn't 'hopeful' or 'potential' on the list?

The World Is One Giant Armpit

2006-12-13T13:15:00.000+10:30

Okay, so that title has no relevance. But I got your attention, right? right?! Ha ha! Although, if that were true, it would be one smelly, sweaty place... kinda like Queensland! hehehehe

I'd just like to say that after a very interesting, informative discussion on Australia Day with a certain couple of inebriated souls, I think that the standard of game shows in South Australia are appalling. Whatever happened to the Rob Broughs of this world!

ALL HAIL ROB, THE GAME SHOW GOD!

I'm sorry but there are just no good Aussie game shows left. I mean, Bert just doesn't cut it on Family Feud. And as for Larry Emdur's shortlived hosting of Wheel Of Fortune - don't even get me started.... I think I've had enough of his mouthful of teeth to last me a lifetime. What they should have done is got Dicko to host The Price Is Right. Can you imagine that? When someone puts a vacuum cleaner lower than the holiday in the Showcase, he'd be goin' "You dickhead! You have no talent. Why don't you just move to the Nullarbor?". Now that'd be good telly.

Actually this could be a good move.....just give Dicko some Bee Gees teeth and he'll be set.I remember the days of "I Do, I Do", the game show where couples competed to get married on the show in some kitsch set that looked straight out of a Kings Cross brothel. They thought they were actually winning! How can you beat that for pure entertainment? FOOLS!!!! Mwah ha ha ha! Whoever thought up that game show must have had an IQ about the same number as the amount of weeks the show was on air - about 8 weeks.

And don't even start me on the irony that was Catch Phrase. I don't think I ever actually saw a actual catch phrase on that show. Since when is 'Richard Gere' a catch phrase? Hang on, since when is Richard Gere an actor either...

I'm starting a campaign here on Down With Pants to bring back Rob Brough, one that all the curly haired blonde people could relate to... Because Australia needs a good game show and who else could provide it than Rob, the Aussie David Hasselhoff, one big hunk o' Aussie spunk. Ladies beware!

Chants: Bring back Rob! Bring back Rob!

Canadian Melodrama - Is there a better pastime?

2006-12-13T12:55:00.000+10:30

BEST PURCHASE EVER!!!!!!!!

A few months ago, I made the best buy ever. What better way than to wile away my sorrows than a piece of 80s Canadian kids soap opera gold?

Seriously, how can you go past Joey Jeremiah and The Zit Remedy "Everybody wants something...they'll never give up...." and how about Wheels? Positively the most unattractive kid on earth - he had it all. Giant square glasses, bad skin, he wore skinny jeans and let's not forget the fabulous mullet! And how can you forget 'All The Way with Stephanie Kaye!'?

Pure and utter genius of children's television! Cos how can you criticise a show that had a 13 year old punk teenage mum, or a kid who tells a girl he likes that her eyes are like 'pimming swools', or girls that wear dresses with the belt or hot pink leggings or shave the top of their head but not the back (ie Liz the animal rights activist)? And a show in which the 'hero' is a cocky little hobbit (he he he...cocky!) chasing after a girl who looked exactly like my brother in the first few seasons? You just can't. It's addictive.

If anybody would like to partake in some filmic genius at some point, be sure to give me a call and me and the Degrassi Gang will be waiting! But for now, some lyrical poetry....

Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely
Gee, I've gotta go to school
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take it
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But then I look around and see that someone is smiling right at me
Wait! Someone's talking to me,
Hey, I've got a new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you need is to believe
Let's be honest with yourself.
Forget your fears and doubts (.....note: pronounced dotes! he he)
Come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High!

Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon

2006-12-12T15:15:00.000+10:30

I am the self-confessed "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" queen. What is this, some of you may ask? Here's the url of the Wikipedia definition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Degrees_of_Kevin_Bacon

The idea is that some guys got this idea that you could link anyone in Hollywood, past or present to Kevin Bacon in 6 moves or less. ie. To link Michelle Pfeiffer to Kevin Bacon, you can go as follows:

Michelle Pfeiffer was in Wolf with Jack Nicolson
Jack Nicolson was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon

Only 2 moves. That constitutes a "Bacon Number" of 2. That's a pretty easy one.

I am the queen. I have been challenged by everyone and have yet to be stumped. Some of the hardest ones have been Clark Gable, Chris Rock and Gerard Depardieu but I have not been challenged successfully yet. And I have never yet used any external source to find my answers. Just my sadly pathetic mind that retains useless knowledge about celebrities.

So bring it on! Challenge me! I could use a real brainer.

Pop on those headphones!

2006-12-06T11:38:00.000+10:30

I'd like to share with you a selection of some of my favourite tunes. This is in no way complete, it's a really eclectic mix and is in no particular order. However, everybody who knows me well enough can be assured that Africa is still and always will be my own personal anthem. So with that said, how about I start with that?

The first thing I love about Africa by Toto is the total irony of the whole song. It's a song about Africa in its most magnificent state sung by a bunch of white American boys in the 80s who confessed that they'd never been to Africa and it was a country that held no particular significance for them. They used instruments to create authentic African percussive sounds but none of the instruments came from Africa. But it works. The song has great rhythm, mainly due to the legendary drumming of the late Jeff Porcaro. The lead singer in this song wasn't the normal lead singer, instead the keyboardist stood in on vocals but he also works. The harmonies are catchy & actually quite difficult to sing. I love the cheesiness of the moment they try to squeeze the word Serengeti into a space where the syllables simply DO NOT fit. I get a big cheesy grin on my face when this song comes on and it even got used on a photo dvd for the Fotias that Jane made as my own personal theme music!

Running a close second to this is my beloved U2 but it's not a song commonly played on the radio. It's the ethereal The Ground Beneath Her Feet which is on the tail end of All That You Can't Leave Behind and on the soundtrack to a flopped movie Million Dollar Hotel. I think it's a great feat for a song to beat out such amazing tracks like With Or Without You or Where The Streets Have No Name or of course, my other beloved u2 track, All I Want Is You. I get tingles from this song every time I hear it - I could listen to it on a loop and still get that leap of the heart every time. I don't know whether it's Salman Rushdie's poetic lyricism or the fact that Bono's vocals are right on the mark, the perfect balance of gentle calm and soaring power. Or that The Edge and Daniel Lanois's entrances are perfection. I just love the combined simplicity and power of this song.

Stevie Wonder is one of those artists that always rises that urge to dance in me....and some of you have seen me dance...it's not pretty. lol. There are plenty of tracks that I could list here that could easily make the Number 1 Stevie spot (Another Star, I Wish, Superstition, Master Blaster) but I think that Higher Ground edges them all out. It's so damn funky and really brings out the great songwriting skills that the Wonderman had. I love the guitar & keys riff which is a bit of a Stevie trademark. And the mark of a good song is when a band like Red Hot Chili Peppers can do a cover that isn't shamed. I actually like their cover almost as much. Check out this song live at Musikladen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZEGx2dcpMY (even funnier is the comments left on this video regarding RHCP vs Stevie. Some people have way too much spare time.

I couldn't get away with a list like this without mentioning a Led Zeppelin track and through careful personal deliberation (arguments between voices in my head...he he he), I think Kashmir has just edged out The Immigrant Song and Black Dog (the latter lost simply because of the one damn spot where they try to squeeze too many notes into a bar) . Why does Zeppelin get a mention? Five words: Jimmy Page is a God! Robert Plant's vocals are quite subdued for a change but I think it suits that slow bubbling riff that pulsates through the song. This song is 8 and a half minutes long but I'm never bored for a second in this song. There's no attempt to overdo anything which is what I think makes the song. However, Kashmir has one failing point - that Jimmy Page could endorse or even worse, participate in Puff Daddy's ripoff for the Godzilla soundtrack. Why change an already killer song? One of Lori's friends apparently said they thought that Come With Me was the better version. What???? Sacrilege!

Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. Well, what can I say? What a sexy song! You can be the most cynical person on earth (ie me) and still get a little hot under the collar over this song. Although nowadays, when I hear this song, I think of Jack Black's gyrating rendition in High Fidelity which can be a bit turnoff, albeit hilarious! lol. Marvin Gaye's vocals are ON THE MARK in this song - what a voice! And although it's not a musically complex song (unlike Can I Get A Witness which was, I'm sure, used later in the Sesame street theme...sing it with me.....Sunny day...sweeping the clouds away.....), I think it's one of those timeless songs you save for that special moment (see, I can be a romantic at times. Just don't expect it all the time!)

In a similar vein, the reverend himself Al Green, one of the true saviours of soul, has many songs I could say could make my list. After all, how can you not want to smile at Let's Stay Together. And Take Me To The River is a classic. But my fave is not a big hit. It's Give It Everything. I heard this song many years ago on the soundtrack to The Truth About Cats And Dogs and fell in love with it like I did with most Al Green tracks. It's a really cute little groove with some great horn interludes and backing vocals. Again, a sweet little romantic song about someone deserving their heart's desire and not being halfhearted about love. It's just adorable, in grand Al Green style.

And now for a real cringe-worthy sentimental addition. Does anyone remember Health Hustle?! Anyone over the age of 25 would have done it and some primary schools still do it, I'm sure. It was this primary school program that had its heyday in the 80s that was like an aerobics work out for school kids. Well, my primary school did it and one of the songs I always remember from that was Run To Paradise by The Choirboys. Yeah, I know, its cheesy and embarrassing to admit and I'm sure that the Choirboys had at least one mullet amongst them but there's just that moment when I hear this happy little song that reminds me of one of the only good memories of school for me. And it makes me wanna sing at the top of my lungs. And you know what....these guys are still going!

One song, although probably not even close to the greatest James Brown son, stands out for me as my novelty favourite and that's Get Up Offa That Thing (although War - What Is It Good For is a crack up!). It's funny that this was a song used in Sister Act II by Whoopi to generate enthusiasm cos that's exactly what it does to me. Again, a really funky tune with some great horn interjections and one hell of a bass line! It really does make you wanna get up offa that thing and release that pressure. And you know what? A band like this is one of the few that I would have a remote chance of being involved in. (bless soul bands!). Although I doubt it would involve the Godfather of Soul. lol.

I couldn't get through a list like this without mentioning Madness as they are an all-time sentimental favourite from childhood. And the very song I've chosen is one I remember because of the Young Ones that we watched as kids. The episode was 'Sick' (the disgusting one where Neil sneezes buckets of snot into a garbage bag that is nailed to his head - ugh!). Madness made an appearance in a street riot, performing this song - Our House. (Sorry to disappoint all of you who thought it was gonna be Baggy Trousers). I love Baggy Trousers, House of Fun and Wings Of A Dove but Our House had such a big sound (complete with car noises) because of the huge horn section, strings and that pulsating piano. It's typical Madness hysteria, has amusing, almost childlike lyrics and the speed at which Suggs sings the lyrics in the bridge is fantastic. This song reminds me of the movie The Castle - has the same sentiment behind it. It's true kookiness that, although I love them, beats out The Stranglers.

Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones is an indication of the competition between the Stones and The Beatles at the time. Just when John Lennon was introducing sitars to the Beatles' instrumentation, Jagger jumped on the bandwagon and produced this. And is it great or what? One of the more atmospheric songs of the 60s, it was a rarity when a pop song used a tonality like this (almost sounds like it follows an Indian Raga scale) but because of the pulsing rhythmic drive and great doubling of voice and guitars/sitar, it was a hit and remains that way. For those who prefer lighter pop, Vanessa Carlton does a pretty ordinary version of it with little of the atmosphere that makes the original great.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE IN A LATER POST.....

Additions to the list from Van Morrison, Antonio Carlos Jobim, The Beatles, Otis Redding, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Michael Jackson and Sting.

The Myth Of Fingerprints

2006-12-06T10:43:00.000+10:30

Before work on Monday, I was looking for an emergency summer shirt (stupid me thought that it was a smart idea to wear a jumper with nothing underneath on a 35 degree day) and I discovered this interesting phenomena. I was browsing the clothes racks in some random store in the mall and I turned around to see these three girls doing the same. One was in her early teens, the others in their late teens or early twenties. They weren't together but curiously, they were dressed almost identically - I mean, aside from the colour of their similarly stripy t-shirts, identically cut jeans and 'girlie thongs', their clothes were like duplicate copies. Their hair was all tied back in the same fashion with the same dyed streaks through it and they all had dangly earrings, presumably bought from a cheap jewellery store like diva. I actually smiled at the doppelganger effect I was seeing here but then, I got a shock. I looked down at myself.

Aside from a small work-related alterations, I was essentially dressed the same too and the rack I was browsing through was stripy-shirt-central. I was horrified at my inadvertent attempt to conform. I quickly got out of there and headed for the nearest plain black top I could find to 'cleanse' myself from this evil.

I realised that from all areas of basic living, we're all following the leader...and we don't even know who that leader is - Dewey Finn in School of Rock would probably call it 'the man'. I see this a lot at school - kids dressing the same, speaking the same, even their hand writing is the same. I have students wanting to learn the not-so-great tunes of the most popular music act of the day (and I use the term 'music' lightly). I can tell you now, "Wolfmother for Clarinet" is not exactly what I would call quality musical literature. The new Year 8s for next year were asked what their fave music was - their answers were indescribably predictable: Rihanna, Beyonce, Pussycat Dolls for the girls; Wolfmother, Blink 182, Panic! At the Disco for the boys.

Even watching Australian Idol from year to year, we see that cliched 'golden boy' or pretty young diva excel throughout the competition, only to be ousted by the underdog. The kooky looking Guy won over the 'ever popular with girls' Shannon Noll; the overweight 16 yr old Casey Donovan beat out the popular (although Hobbit related) Anthony Callea. And lets not forget the balding Irish crooner with bad teeth Damien Leith beating the power singing pretty girl Jess for this year's title. Now, some will say this is an indication that people won't always vote for the coolest or better looking contestant but the results are becoming predictable. I think it's become conformist to make sure the underdog wins. I'm just as guilty as the rest of the population on this one.

Over the mountain, down in the valley,
Lives a former talk show host
Everybody knows his name.
He says there's no doubt about it...
It was the myth of fingerprints
I've seen them all and man,
They're all the same.

Paul Simon

We see people, like sheep, follow patterns of others in trends towards occupations (I read somewhere that enrolments in university Forensic Chemistry courses have increased because of CSI and Bones), trends towards pastimes (dancing classes have had surges in memberships in the US because of 'So You Think You Can Dance'). Sushi, freshly made juice and 'made as you order' noodle boxes have taken on the high fashion stakes of the food world. And of course, lets not forget the just plain scary trend of playing 'follow the leader' in politics. Could this explain the inability for our country to embrace and accept a change in government.

What I have found the most amusing about fashions and fads is that some assertive joker thought it would be funny to tell the Aussie public that mullets were a GOOD idea to bring back and managed to get these SHEEP to embrace possibly the worst fashion trend ever! All it takes is for one person to tell someone something is worth doing and its a hit.

NICKY'S PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!

So here's my plan. I'm persuasive. I can talk a coffee table's legs off. I think I'm going to experiment with this.

First I'll hit the clothing stores (maybe small time in Rundle Mall to begin with) and convince the Australian public that stone wash jeans with elastic waistbands are the fashion trend of the future - coupling this with Blundstones and off the shoulder tank tops. Or maybe poodle skirts could replace the Boho look. I could tell hairdressers that the skunk look is coming back - I'm sure they could get at least ONE 14yr old to give themselves black and white stripes over a permed fringe. I'm sure I could also attempt to convince fashion magazines that vomit colour is the new black.

Next I'll hit the radio stations and convince them that Leo Sayer is the comeback of the century and that they should play 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing' ad nauseum on Nova 91.9. Or failing that, Julio Eglesias or Kamahl will do as an alternative.

Then I'll go to all the major TV networks to pitch my television pilot "Dumpers", a show about a group of twenty something public toilet cleaners. After its first hit season, let's just see how many people decide that their dream career isn't medicine or law but they wish to pursue an occupation in the 'sanitary arts'.

I could convince Hollywood viewing audiences waiting noisily on the side of the Oscars red carpet parade that the new 'it' girl is some decrepit old fogey not fit enough to star in 'Upstairs Downstairs 2: The Final Revenge'. Bugger all the Scarlet Johannsens, and Keira Knightleys of this world. Let's bring back Kathy Bates and Sissy Spacek and Kirsty Alley to the front page of FHM.

And finally, my last stop will be the bars and clubs of Adelaide where I'll launch my new mixed drink - Colitis: a combination of baileys, Stout and tomato juice. We could market it as the new Manhattan. All we'd need to do is get Sarah Jessica Parker to endorse it and it's a binge drinking hit!

I'm starting to a little 'megalomaniacal' under the collar....

VOTE 1: Nicky.....to take over our Pied Piper world.

Individuality begone...I'm a musician....

2006-12-03T14:36:00.000+10:30

You know, I'm not a fan of stereotypes (who is) but there are just some things about musicians that seem a given, simply because of a particular instrument they play. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule but in most cases, you can guess a musician's primary instrument by their look or behaviour.

Clarinet players can be quite versatile as far as their look goes but are quite often the ones seen getting drunk at The Austral after an orchestra gig (or in the case of The WCB cabaret, DURING the gig). And that's not just me! It seems a consistency. The clarinet players at the Der School of Sic Mate always seem to be in the caf.

Question: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: 10. 1 to hold the bulb and 9 to drink tequila til the room spins.

Flute players and the colour pink always go together. In general, flute players blend in with each other in a section by the various forms of pink that they wear. This is usually coupled with pretty hair, makeup and delicate clothing. I know a flute player who pulls her hair back so tight, you can see the whites of her eyes permanently!(In some cases, male flute players fit this category too). I've found most flute players to be pretty anal & uptight about small things. Then again, they do play the flute so I guess they can't help their handicap. :)

Trumpet players also seem to be uptight. Is that through trying to hit high notes? Note: the higher the note, the squeezier the butt cheeks. He he....A good trumpet player will ALWAYS show off. 'I can play higher than you!' In fact, in the case of one K.E., they'll show off even if they're NOT good.

Drummers......do I need to say more? Question: How do you know when the stage is level? Answer: When the drummer is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth. In a recent survey of the musical aptitude of some incoming Yr 8s to the school, I discovered that the people with the worst rhythm were the drummers/ drummer wannabes. Drummers are the musicians (and I use that term lightly) that no matter the occasion, they'll turn up in shorts and thongs. Usually the ones driving the dodgiest car too - could this be that sporadic paycheck? And are always the last ones to arrive at a rehearsal or gig, regardless of having the most equipment to set up.....not mentioning anyone in particular, am I? Mal?

As for guitarists...well, you hardly ever see these elusive people.Usually relating more to their guitar than to the human race, they only emerge from their little guitar world periodically. Are the ones found at the con practicing in a park, cafe, toilet....Will usually grow facial hair in an attempt to appear intellectual or grungy (or to look like a certain guitarist hero) but invariably, look better without it. Also likely to show up to a gig in shorts. Will suffer for their art - often living in dumps to afford to be a 'professional' musician. This seems to require living without a washing machine, soap, running water....

Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.

Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless

Can tell a guitarist by their hands a lot - long nails on one hand, chewed down to the quick on the other. I'm told this is to do with the instrument.......a bizarre fetish if you ask me. He he he....

Vocalists. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler? Answer: Jewellery.

Singers should be avoided at all costs, esp. classical ones. :) For people that have NO equipment to cart around, they're the ones that demand the most attention and the most service from other people. Since my time at the Der School of Sic Mate, I have yet to meet a singer who wanted to work with instrumentalists. They hang in groups - they seem to be drawn together like flies to manure. Those of them that do communicate with instrumentalists tend to be jazz singers.

Joy to the f**king world

2006-12-03T14:19:00.000+10:30

It's the 3rd December and it's begun. The Christmas carols are ringing through every store doorway. Since early October, Xmas decorations have been hung in shop windows and all the way down Rundle Mall. And those vomit-inducing children's choirs are playing wherever you turn. YARGH! It's bad enough that the average shopper is subjected to the 800th version of Away in a Bloody Manager, sung in English, French, Cantonese and Swahili and arranged in all forms from country to calypso.

But this Xmas, when you sit snuggling up to your partner on a picnic rug listening to a half-assed church choir sing their versions of Carols By Candlelight, please spare a thought for us poor souls. The ones who have to play them! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Ten verses....all the same....shudder!

Those Xmas Carol gigs. The first one begins today. And as if it isn't bad enough that it's a Christmas carol gig but it's a SCHOOL BAND doing it. My poor bleeding ears! The next one is NEXT Sunday ...then the Wednesday after that...and the week after that....Here we go!!!! I'm not looking forward to having to play 5 verses of one Xmas Carol in upteen flats on a piece of paper the size of a square of toilet paper in the freezing cold on the back of a tautliner. Every year I freeze my ass off, get bitten alive by mosquitoes and swallow about 10 moths that are attracted to the spotlights which never appear to be anywhere near our music. Not to mention nearly falling off the truck to my certain death. Or the ringing ears from the painfully bad voices of the selected church choir, led by one crap singer Rosie, all of whom THINK they can sing but only sound like cats in the process of being spayed! I'm praying for rain. One year it was cancelled. Oh what a day, what a perfect day...

I can cope with the Christmas songs - White Christmas, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman, I Saw Mommy Porking Santa Claus.....but if I hear the First F**king Noel one more time....

I have no time to prepare myself for this - to build up my immune system to old ladies with warbling throats and children that use the candles to set alight their carols programme.

What is with this time of year making me feel slightly less clarinet-y.

So word of warning: If that bloody choir leader sings one more song in falsetto, I'll shove my clarinet right up her....

Zoom zoom zoom!

2006-12-03T14:03:00.000+10:30

Public transport. I hate it. Now, I'm a greenie. I want to be a good environmentally friendly person and catch public transport. But, woah, are there some people that test my patience???!!!

Like the people who don't take their bags off their backs when they are standing on a crowded bus - so they hit all the seated passengers in the head as they pass. There's this Adelaide High girl that does it all the time. I feel like spilling something dark and brown and sticky on her 'attractive' white school uniform. Although I'd probably want to do that anyway cos I'm just a bitch and revel in the misfortune of others. ;)

Or then there's the ones that block you in if you're sitting on a window seat. I'm only little but it doesn't mean I want to be forced into the space with only room for a postage stamp. Picture me with my face pressed up against the glass to avoid going 'cheek to cheek' with some stranger. What is WITH people virtually sit on your lap?! Now, I'm not a morning person - I don't like having some fat guy's ass rubbing up against me before I've had my first coffee.....not that I'd want that afterwards either.... hmmm....

I digress...

There's this woman who used to get on the bus everyday when I lived in ye olde boganville Findon who has this poor little kid who isn't even allowed to scratch or look out the window without being yelled at and smacked. She talks to him like he's a teenager - he's all but three. I just feel like punching her in the head and saying 'He's gonna turn out to be a complete drug addict and head case because of the way you treat him'. Stupid cow. I'm gonna campaign for her to be neutered. And I'm not even really an 'I love children' kind of girl.

And then, oh dear, the ones with B.O. Kill me!!! I was on the bus the other morning and this guy (I think he was Somalian or something - not that that's relevant) sat next to me (blocking me in, I should mention, against the window) and he had the worst B.O. The bus driver put the air con on but it was one of those buses without open windows and all it did was circulate the stench. I swear, this smell was like a living entity - it was one step away from growing legs! I held my breath for most of the trip - no wonder I had a headache in wind ensemble all morning.

Oh, public transport, you stink. I hate you. I think you should have to sign a clause before you enter a bus to say that you will in no way impose your stench, lack of anger management or inconsideration on others. And if you break the rules, other passengers should be able to hit you with a very large stick. Yeah, it's a plan....

He he he

2006-11-28T19:44:00.000+10:30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI0nB0eR8yA

ARRRGGGHHH!

2006-11-28T19:34:00.000+10:30

This is scary! And yet strangely intriguing! I think they're on to something

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=40573976&blogID=174905454

Welcome!

2006-11-28T19:26:00.000+10:30

Welcome to The Next Generation of Down With Pants! Those of you pantless legends that have been loyal fans of the original Down With Pants will recognise some of the posts you see here. That's because I do not want to waste the posts that I sweated and slaved over since Dec 2005. So watch out because more will come, interspersed with the oldies but goodies.

Oh and one more thing....

KILL ELMO!